Sex and Playing

Sex and Playing

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 11, 2021

... Where playing is being face to face and engaging in any D/s and S/m behavour with the purpose of sexual arousal and/ confirmation of our respective roles.

... Where sex is seen as an act of penis-in-vagina, penis-in-mouth, penis-in-anus.

... Where each person is different and each dynamic is different.

My Sir and I have been together for going on to 3 years. Long distance but under—an—hour—apart type of long distance.
We see each other semi-regularly but Covid restrictions and scares have been brutal.

Some things have changed over this time. Health issues have escalated to the point where sex is off the table. No problem, right?
Because D/s for me isn't just about sex. In fact, sex is but the cream topping to all the other yummy stuff.

And, foolishly, I operated under the assumption that it would be that way for Him too.
A week ago, during a phone call I was saying how I can't wait to be alone again and how I'm trying to manage my programme to include 'us' time to play and He told me that He feels differently. He prefers not to even have playing time as with sex off the table He doesn't see the point.
I was shocked to say the least.
I feel blindsided.
And I've got questions, so many questions!
And we have a call scheduled today to discuss it, so I'll understand better soon, but it got me thinking:

To what extend is sex integral to your D/s dynamic?

Can you do sex without BDSM?
Can you do BDSM without sex.
Do you want to?
Have you?
Did it satisfy your emotional needs?
What about your physical needs?

(I'm neuro-divergent and often people and what they do or say make little to no sense to me. I need time to process things and then add it to my 'this is how other people feel about stuff' box. This then allows me to better understand people and situations and act appropriately towards them. That's why I love forums. 😁)

A Cloud​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 11, 2021

I love sex, but it is nothing without titillation, desire and connection. Sometimes I purposely play without penetration, intently exploring body and mind. I find there is acute focus on detail and sensation; enjoying the space of desire that is far more delicious for me. There are many different ways I achieve euphoric and intense pleasure - through body and mind. For me, too much focus on physical fulfillment limits the possibility of new exploration. Feeling the experience of all levels of play is my end game.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 11, 2021

With my primary it is integral. Some where in my mind with him sex, BDSM and love are a mushy wonderful mess that **I** cant separate with HIM. To use the corny phrase, it completes me/us. I need that emotional connection with him. "SEX" is just for him and no one else.

With my poly partners its a take it or leave mater on "orgasm/touch" (we are fluid bonded) but there is as a rule no PIV however PIM etc is on the table or not, I don't overly care. If I get to hot and horny I have my primary at home. Edited to add. My partner is 100% OK if I did. I choose not too.

Can you do sex without BDSM? (not sure if you meant to ask this)
I can but I prefer my "sex" mixed with BDSM to feel complete and feel like me. Straight sex has ALWAYS had kink combined in my world or I think it has LOL what is straight sex? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I don't know any other way. I do have fetish (in the truest meaning of the word)

Can I do BDSM without sex?
Yes, if going to into play I know that its off the table. Playing at public events for e.g....You do so knowing its not going to happen.
I find it enjoyable to do so but I don't find it meets **ALL** my emotional and physical needs. I couldn't live on this alone, it wouldn't sate me long term. If it was with a person I was beginning to fall romantically for ....well then it would time to have that talk! Do I "romantically love" my poly partners? Thats a grey area I'm exploring so far it hasn't happened. I love them, just not romantically .
confused now LOL your welcome LOL circles inside circles.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 11, 2021

In the past couple of years the rules have changed a bit with respect to how much we are even able to do anything in person. For many of us the majority of sex/play/BDSM has not been an option so online interactions are more frequent than face-to-face, and PIV, PIM, and PIA are just not possible that way.
So I will answer your questions from the perspective of a time and place when they were possible.

Can you do sex without BDSM? -
Of course. Most of us begin our sexual careers in vanilla relationships. And not everyone you meet will be into anything kinky so sometimes you almost have to do sex without BDSM. I would certainly prefer sex with BDSM, and I always look for someone who feels the same, however if I loved someone who was not kinky then yes, I CAN do it. But I would absolutely try to introduce her to the lifestyle.

Can you do BDSM without sex? -
It is not my preference, but yes. For example, lots of petplay and DDlg does not include sex. I prefer the dynamics that do.

Do you want to? -
If you are asking if I want to have BDSM without sex the answer is no. If your question is do I want to have sex without a BDSM component my answer is that, ideally, no I don't. But even vanilla sex beats no sex at all so in that case the answer is yes.

Have you? -
In both cases the answer is yes.

Did it satisfy your emotional needs? -
On occasion it has, on occasion not.

What about your physical needs?
On occasion it has, but not as much as including the BDSM component would have.

To sum it up, sex without BDSM, or vice versa, is doable, however it is never preferable.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 11, 2021

How did you guys get together? Was there a lot of sex involved or was it more of an emotional bonding thing? The answer to that will determine how smoothly or not-smoothly he accepts this new reality and either sticks around or hits the bricks. It is, after all, a big change. The younger you both are, the tougher the transition for him.

It's a lot to ask, to remain a couple with no sexuality. But if there's a strong emotional bond, it can happen, but it won't be a cake walk or a quick flip of the switch.



Give it time. Give him time.

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

You can fuck or you can frolic or you can do both. Your possible inability to separate the two might be due to an extreme arousal during play with a total playfulness during sex. It's not a bad thing, but could just be 'your thing'.

badgirlatyourservic • Oct 12, 2021

Yes plz I am a happily married wife but want my hubby and me to have a mentor to teach us how to be a sub and dom. Man or girl idc

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

And, foolishly, I operated under the assumption that it would be that way for Him too. ( did you even bother to ask him if it was the same ? )

A week ago, during a phone call I was saying how I can't wait to be alone again and how I'm trying to manage my programme to include 'us' time to play ( what kind of play? was it sexual, was it board games, video games ? for me play without sex and sex being off the table I wouldnt want to get together either for me play without the sexual component and the intimate time is one in the same but with the kink aspect.

and He told me that He feels differently. He prefers not to even have playing time as with sex off the table He doesn't see the point. me to I would feel the same

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 14, 2021

Thanks for everyone's responses.

Some assumptions diverted things to interesting places. All good and helping me understand things from different view points.

Firstly, the medical issues aren't mine.
I knew about them as they occurred, but was not told the emotional fall out of those issues.
(@Redfoxmask No, I didn't ask. I didn't know to ask. I didn't understand the thinking going on and so had no inkling I aught to ask. Now I want to ask: if I was to ask, isn't it His responsibility to tell? If those were His thinking, and He didn't tell me any of it at all, that's now suddenly my failing?! Aaah see the can of worms here!?!)

The first I was given an inkling of this was when I was told that sex and intimacy were off the table until further notice.

I've got a lot of questions right now, but I'll wait until my own emotions are settled down more.

I am skating the blurred line between feminist and submissive here, wanting to know why the assumption of it being me, a submissive woman, witholding sex for medical reasons is met with quite a lot of vehemence and accusatory phrasing. And I'm waiting with bated breath to hear if the flip side is as hotly accused.

Okay.

Yes, I need intimacy, the sex is an optional extra for me. It's intimacy and connection I'm seeking.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Oct 16, 2021

now that he has shared this additional new detail, have you shared why the other forms of intimacy are important to you? if so, does he now find value in this, because he values your happiness and bond at the very least?

if not, that may be something to consider, reviewing all the facts and the strength of your commitment to one another’s happiness and fulfillment.

this is a lot to change suddenly, to express without regard for your thoughts or discussion about the reframing / framework of the dynamic. i don’t want to assume, but is this how this transpired, did this get dropped on you like a bomb without explanation or involving you in evaluating the impact along with potential solutions?

is a discussion in the works? obviously, some things can come up that are a priority but a relationship is, you are a priority as well, so i do hope you can both find time to speak with one another openly about what your relationship looks like to one another today.