A Poly/Mono Relationship

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 18, 2022

I haven't read the last few replies (catching up now). I've sat here thinking should I even post. if the other partner (Dom/caregiver)is to provide comfort for panic attacks..is the sub in Therapy for these? or even tried self management for them? Learnt any coping skills. Try calling a support network like life line when the moment rather than the arms of another? This should be (her) there primary point of call, not having someone at there beck and call. Their (Her) mental health should be dealt with and not covered over with a band aide repair such as adding another (yep, I generalised there and I know physicial contact does help but it isnt needed all the time). What's next, the new guys schedule doesn't mesh with theirs (hers) or he doesn't have enough time and another is added. The trouble might not be the "extra man" but the reason behind needing another.

I have a poly heart, I get wanting more than one but wanting another and using "mental heath" as the "reason" isn't fair to the original Dominant. My heart goes out to him. If they (she) genuinely wants another and feel more complete being poly, that is the way it is, they(she) needs to own that...using mental health as cop out and labelling the current Dominant as "not enough" is just plain wrong.

I really hope this all works out for the OP. It does sound like you are really trying to do the best by your submissive.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2022

Hello Bunnie. It is at present a long-distance relationship where travel is made to see one another but we spend the mass majority of the time via calls, video, and the sort to make up for the lack of in person. Eventually the plan is to make moving arrangements so we are both together in person.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2022

No, they haven't sought out means to do so as there is a strong fear of being put on medications that create a mental state that makes them extremely uncomfortable. That buzzed/brain fogged over sensation would probably be the best way to describe it. Yes I do want to do right by my sub. I do know that I have my flaws, communication being one of them. I mis-phrase things in voice, or my tone I've been told by them comes off sounding like I'm upset/angry even though I feel no such emotion and I didn't feel my tone expressed such emotion as far as I heard while speaking. Or I type things and my text is taken in a negative manner when I was trying to be positive in my text.

So in this I am working on bettering myself not only for their sake but for my own because communication is the foundation of all relationships. Just wish they'd be a bit more patient with me instead of getting angry at me every time I say something they don't like... Makes me feel like I'm a colossal screw up, not good enough, and just not enough in general.

Bunnie • Apr 19, 2022

@ Master Deacon,

“It is at present a long-distance relationship where travel is made to see one another but we spend the mass majority of the time via calls, video, and the sort to make up for the lack of in person.”

I understand. The reason I asked was so I could adapt my response to the circumstances. From my own experience in this situation, it is really, really difficult. I have had two long-term, long distance relationships. And in both, as much as I was totally devoted to my Masters, and being monogamous, still asked to take part in my local community whilst under service to them. Not because of a grass-is-greener mindset. I never look elsewhere when I am committed to someone. But because as a tactile person, who very much needs the physical aspects of this lifestyle to feel “normal,” it is impossible for me to feel nourished solely from online/long distance interactions.
Having said that, we had rules and structure around our agreements and there was 100% transparency. The difference here however, is that I wasn’t seeking another Dominant. I went to munches and play parties, solely to interact with other likeminded people. I had a Rigger that I did rope with on a regular basis, and everything within our “relationship” was negotiated. I have had three Riggers under those circumstances.

The undoing of the success of this style of arrangement was when I asked to have a regular play partner. It created cracks. Three years of suppression, suddenly created a frenzy of the possibilities suddenly opening before me finally, and I wanted to let loose… which when called to slow it down, began creating resentment in me. Leading to disruptive, disrespectful behaviour on my part, and finally, heartbreakingly leading to our demise.

So my experiences with this type of scenario have not been positive.

The observation I have made over the years is that those who can cope with on-line/long-distance relationships for extended periods of time, generally have a significant other (regardless of whether they’re intimate or not) that they share their life with. It seems to be enough to simply have the comfort of having that other person there that gives them the opportunity to have some type of need met, which those who are truly living a single/solo life do not have met. Of course there is no definitive evidence in regards to this beyond my own observations and personal experiences.

My whole point here is that I don’t see (them) as being a monster in this. The circumstances are demanding a lot from both of you to make this work. Being incompatible in Poly/Mono certainly doesn’t help things.

Having too, experienced coming into an in-person dynamic where the Dom was trying to be Poly for the sake of his girl (who was Poly), it was a disaster. I was the first other female he brought in and it caused their relationship to turn into more of a battle on who could hurt each other more, trying to use others as pawns. I stepped away wanting no part in it and leaving them to sort out whatever was going on. It was enough for me to decide that never again would I step into a newly opened “poly” dynamic.

Learn from what I’ve shared, what you will. There are so many pitfalls with these situations, however, in all honesty, you’re never going to know if it will work until you try. But to be able to find your best place together, you’ve got to both be brave enough to potentially come to an end if that’s where the road should happen to lead.

So after all that rambling… my suggestion is to just keep talking. Keep being open and honest with each other, and keep discussing whatever speed bumps come up. You never know where it might take you
Good luck to you both.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2022

This post has been around long enough that I am not going to read all the responses, but I will offer my perspective operating under the likelihood that several responses have already come forth.

I'm sure that, by this point, someone has claimed outright that poly doesn't work. It didn't work for them, they've never seen it work, whatever.
Poly does work; it just works a lot easier if you are poly.

Which brings up the second point: if you are going to enter into a poly relationship, you should probably be poly. While this is not a requirement, it is recommended.
I see that you entered into this dynamic with your partner agreeing to be monogomous for you, which is just the other side of that same coin. This is not to say that someone cannot choose to be forego poly in lieu of mono for their partner, which is certainly possible and I am fairly certain there are folx in this thread who have made that choice and have perfectly functional and gratifying relationships. However, for just as many, it is not about making a choice.
It sounds like your partner took on a commitment that they may not be able to live up to, which is not your fault and likely not theirs. There is a lot of learning in any relationship and learning anything typically requires failing in some way.

That brings us to your current situation. You are correct in your understanding that poly relationships usually operate under the idea that adding new partners is an undertaking in which the feelings of all involved parties are considered, but poly relationships start as poly relationships. What you have here are two people needing different kinds of relationships. The kitchen table discussion of adding new partners is more of a question of what kind of people are being added, more so than simply that new people are being added (ignoring, for brevity, the idea of polysaturation).
Healthy poly is not about filling gaps at the expense of those involved. If your partner brings up that they need more than you can provide, then you can try to have a discussion about what you can do to better provide, but you must also consider that the two of you may simply not be right for one another, as painful as that is to admit and move forward on.

In the end, there is acceptable comprise, and there is unacceptable compromise for your partner. One of these is sustainable, the other is not. Only you can make that determination.

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2022

This doesn't sound like a healthy D/s relationship. If she is only reaching out for monetary means I think you are getting used. I am sure they did love you at one point, but when you feel something has changed it normally means something has changed.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 20, 2022

I just wanted to jump in here and thank Bunnie for asking more questions before she posted. I wish I had off. I too assumed this was in person. Reading Master Deacons reply that its to "make up for the lack of in person" I would of worded my reply a lot softer. I assumed the submissive had a set of arms to retract into when things got to tough or they needed comforting.

Adinesidhe • Apr 20, 2022

I'm not at all experienced in Poly relationships I am strictly Monogamous. But is sounds like this person is using you to get what they want regardless of how you feel.
It doesn't really seem like they care about your feelings at all in this. I mean, sure they say they love you but look at how they are acting. I can't see How someone can say they love you then walk over your feelings like this?
I personally would walk away as I do not think this is a honest or healthy relationship. But that is just my opinion.

Celestial Moon​(switch female) • Apr 20, 2022

As someone in a monogamous relationship and being Poly... i feel this deeply.

I believe that as much trust and respect that is given to a dom is essentially the mirror of how trust and respect is earned/given in a polyamorous relationship.

If the #1 person that we love allows us to open up to have emotional connections with others....

I am monogamous with my body but poly at heart and mind. I need more people to fulfill me

Zelia • Apr 20, 2022

Thank you, this was useful to me.