Narcissistic Dominants

Narcissistic Dominants

SultrySubmissive • May 3, 2022

Has anyone encountered a narcissistic Dominant? I had a relationship with a man who presented himself as a Sadist / Dominant. I did not realize at the beginning he also fit the definition of Narcissist. Being a submissive and having mutual attraction and things in common, we fell in love and a relationship ensued. He has seen himself as Dominant / Sadist since his teen years, and had a traumatic past (growing up issues and other relationships where the woman abandoned him). While the relationship started out loving (he said he wanted to marry me), his openness slowly vanished. Sexually, he focused on inflicting pain and the aftercare which was once there also mostly disappeared. He stopped sending me texts throughout the day and constantly criticized me for…everything. He stopped saying “I love you” and told me to not say it to him or to do anything nice for him. He did have some job changes and financial issues however he went from a loving man who clearly had affection and interest in me, to a monster. Most of our conversations consisted of him yelling and swearing at me, or completely withdrawing. When on the phone he would simply hang up when done. His interest in sex vanished. He admitted to being depressed but refused counseling. In the meantime every interaction with me could be considered emotional abuse. Being a submissive, I am aware that my place is to obey. I continued to try to be loving and supportive and I continued to subject myself to this treatment. I loved him. And it’s a submissive’s role to obey. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved him, even as a submissive, I did not deserve this treatment.
Have any of you been caught in a situation such as this? How did you reconcile your love, plans for the future, and desire to submit with the deplorable treatment you received?
While I know there are wonderful caring and loving Dominants and Sadists in this world, I can’t imagine I am the only one to have gone through this. What are your stories? How did you cope? What is the advice from some of the Dominants out there? I hope that all of us sharing will help anyone else who may currently be suffering.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 3, 2022

Yup. I've been there. On two occasions, while he was drunk, he tried to rape me. It was horrific but what helped me was remember rule number one as a submissive:

Protect the Dominant's property. Since HE was the danger at the time, I had to protect his property from even him.

Just because you are a submissive does NOT mean you are a doormat. You are a person FIRST. You just happen to ALSO be a submissive.

Miss Magdalena​(sub female){FreeSpirit} • May 3, 2022

The "fun" thing about personality disorders, is that they do not discriminate. I think because so many identify as being "different" when exploring this lifestyle, the things that we would typically see as red flags in our vanilla relationships, become rationalized because we go against our natural instincts or intuition. I think SirsBabyDoll put it succinctly when she said, "You are a person first". There's a difference between a task or request that makes you momentarily uncomfortable but is done with the intent to bring you closer and achieve the goals you and your Dominant previously discussed and those that just straight up hurt you, or cause distrust/communication barriers between you and your Dom. Kink or not, it takes two people to make any relationship work and both parties have to want it.

A Cloud​(sub female){Owned} • May 3, 2022

From my experience I have learnt those 'dark triad' labels (Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath) can be dangerous in themselves. Using that language put me in more of a victim mentality. Once I saw others (yes, even the ones I was hurt by) as broken humans carrying a lot of pain - like me, I actually felt more understanding, compassion and control (of myself). It helped my sense of self worth and lifted the infection of fear that I had spreading through my body. I broke a cycle by loving myself and understanding what I needed to do to attract healthy relationships. I acknowledged my responsibility in looking after myself.

All the best. I hope you find that loving relationship with yourself and with others worthy of your love. Xx

Steellover​(sub male) • May 3, 2022

I have, and I found in my case that the outward narcissism of my would-be domme masked a really deep seated insecurity. I cared about her, but it was nonetheless hard being in a relationship with her. I still wish it had worked out in spite of that, however. The relationship didn't work out but it was not because of her narcissism. Rather, because of different relationship goals; she wanted a full 24/7 total power exchange service oriented relationship right away, which scared me off; I would have preferred to ease into that dynamic more slowly.

PrincessLove​(sub female) • May 4, 2022

Hugs 🤗. I appreciate you sharing your experience. You deserve so much better, and I am glad you realized it.

I know how challenging it can be to find a partner who will equally invest in creating a healthy relationship that will meet both partners needs, wants, and desires.

It sounds like you are on the right path through self-reflection and finding support from others.

I hope you find much happiness and joy on your journey.

Noire{Owned (NH)} • May 4, 2022

Hopefully this doesn’t sound weird.. But I just want to hug you!!! The nurturer in me is going bonkers lmfao.

Ive been in two long term relationships in my life. The first was five years.. Of dealing with my spouse projecting all of their negative emotions onto me. Anything I accomplished in that relationship. Quickly turned into me comforting them for their lack of. Their insecurities where projected onto me and they caring person I loved. Turned into someone I didn’t recognize. I won’t get into the dirty details.. Let’s just say it was a long time of emotional manipulation before I saw the signs.

My second long term relationship lasted for three-ish years. This person was the complete opposite from my last relationship. So I thought.. Instead I over looked many things because I was presented with a carbon copy of what I thought I loving person was.. But as the years went on being with that person.

I was subjected to a lot of emotional and physical manipulation/abuse. I was shamed for the things I wanted sexually. I was even critiqued everyday about my appearance/body image, my wants/needs, even little things that made me happy… Something negative was said. It felt like this person wanted to change/mold me into someone I wasn’t.

After my first long term relationship, it was easier for me to see the signs within the second. Experience helps in many scenarios. It took a long time for me to heal how I saw my self image. I went to therapy, I searched within myself to fix the broken spirit I had. The saying “Time heals all wounds.” Is a literal fact. It took me so much time to restore my spirit,self confidence and self love.

Of course there are still things I’m currently working on. I am always evolving my energy. People are in a constant cycle of metamorphosis. So my advice is always to be by yourself, heal yourself, however healing looks to you. Sure it’s nice to feel like someone else can heal us.. But I’m a firm believer that’s just another form of a bandaid.

Take your time!! Self love and self care is the way to go. So that when your ready to open yourself up again. You are the best current version of yourself for someone who is deserving.

Much love!
Noire.

I'mME • May 7, 2022

I do not know if i use an at symbol, and the person is alerted and if if The Cage has a page somewhere about forum posting , I would love to have a look at it. I don't understand nor do I want to have someone's entire post repeated . Any clarification or pointing in the right direction would be appreciated.

Now
@Noire

I relate to some of what you wrote, especially the part on how you didn't recognize yourself one day.

I'm fighting and kicking every day to get that woman back. Today I lost the battle.

Be back later. Need dry eyes for awhile.

I'mME • May 7, 2022

I do not know if i use an at symbol, and the person is alerted and if if The Cage has a page somewhere about forum posting , I would love to have a look at it. I don't understand nor do I want to have someone's entire post repeated . Any clarification or pointing in the right direction would be appreciated.

Now
@Noire

I relate to some of what you wrote, especially the part on how you didn't recognize yourself one day.

I'm fighting and kicking every day to get that woman back. Today I lost the battle.

Be back later. Need dry eyes for awhile.