Breakdown in communications

Breakdown in communications

Dressing​(dom male) • May 22, 2022

I just lost a "friend".

It honestly came as a bit surprise for me. I met them with the intention to play games (video games) with them, and the first time we played everything was fine and super fun. But then I got too excited and was hoping to play more. I asked when they had more time to play, and they said later that day, but the person ended up playing with other people. So I said "no worries" and tried to calm my excitement.

What followed was several days of me asking (not all the time) if the person wanted to play. And slowly the person just stopped responding, or acknowledging that I had asked if they wanted to play. Mind you this was over a couple of days where I asked once or twice a day, and I was mindfully trying really hard not to be annoying or pushy because I knew how excited to play I was. The person never said no, they just said later or didn't respond when I asked. Finally they said that they would definitely be able to play during the weekend, and I was excited to play together.

The weekend comes and the person doesn't invite me even once, and ends up playing other games. Fair enough I think. I then leave them alone for a few days.

After hearing nothing from them, I decide to come clean about my feelings in the hope that we would be able to play again. I figured it was better to try and explain, rather than just keep going like we were. So I tell the person that I would much rather they just plainly said they weren't in the mood to play, and didn't promise to play with me when they didn't really want to. I told them it was a bit hurtful to my feelings when they ignored my messages where I had asked if they wanted to play, and I thought that maybe I could get through to them.

What follows is the person saying that they have other stuff that they are doing, and other games they want to play. And then that they were taking a break from the cage.

Confused I respond that, I know they had other stuff that they wanted to do, which is why I wanted them to just tell me so I didn't walk around thinking we would play when the person didn't want to. I also don't know why they brought up the cage, and commented that I didn't see what playing games and being on the cage had to do with each other.

Bear in mind that I tried my HARDEST to still make it clear that I wanted the person to relax and have fun if they had been busy or stressed, and that I would be down to try some of the games they had been playing, or just play in general, at any time.

I then get a reply where I am told I am not adult enough to handle my own interactions, and that I should rethink my "position" on the cage. That I didn't know the person at all, and that I shouldn't try to get on their ass for ignoring me. They then say I didn't even try to get to know them, that they were busy, and that they were taking a break from the cage because "people like you expect too much from a girl just trying to find an actual relationship". I am then called an "ass that says he wants straight communication when it's clear you haven't tried to get to know me or even try to communicate with me". The person also said I had been welcome to join in on the games that they were playing with their friends.

Not only was I extremely confused by this reply, but I just couldn't believe it. Because everything the person said could be said about them.

At no point had I tried to, or intended, to make it "BDSM" related, or have anything to do with the cage. I just wanted to play games. Worse yet, when I look at our chat log, it was them who straight up had refused to communicate. They said the bare minimum, didn't reply to messages and questions about themselves, and they definitely never tried to get to know me at all. And regarding the "you could've just joined" argument, I didn't own the games / had no interest in them, and even if I did both own them and have an interest, it feels weird if you aren't invited by the ones playing. Or was I supposed to invite myself into a game they were playing with friends?

To me it seems like I tried my goddamn hardest to be as reasonable as possible, but it was actually hurting me to be friends with this person, and I tried to tell them in a calm and reasonable manner. Either this person is so blind that they can't see how they were acting themselves, or they were so stressed out from the cage that they took it out on me. It would obviously be easier to just show the chat log, but that is against the rules, even if you hide the name.

So, with all that said, how far is too far? Is it worth it to stay "friends" with a person who ignores what you said, don't reply and don't speak to you unless you speak first? And when you try to speak up and explain why it's hurtful, they turn it around on you and accuse you of things you never did? I don't know. To me, that doesn't seem like a friend worth keeping. What do you all think?

Beautiful eyes​(sub female){Taken} • May 22, 2022

I know it hurts and can be confusing when someone stops communicating.
There maybe things going on in real life outside the cage that could be effecting them.
However if they do not tell you these things you are not a mind reader.
Hugs sweetie don't give up......communication break downs happen.
Be honest and frank with people and also it's not a bad thing to point out what you want and tell someone you needs, if that is a chat once a day or down time to play.
If its getting to know a person first, or play games .
I do think either this is not the right time or they have other things on their mind but communicating is key, I wish you well and hugs
I do think they should have told you if they where having difficulty. No of us are mind readers so truth is best. Xx

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 22, 2022

I'm sorry you went throught that. From what you conveyed, it almost sounds like they gaslit you, not taking accountability AND trying to twist the reality of the situation.

It's great that you saved the conversations because it can 1) act as a reality check for you and 2) provide proof of what really occured between you.

Walk away and learn from the experience. Learn how to recognize the red flags and don't allow questions to go unanswered. When they don't answer the questions, even simple ones, or if they just use one word answers, it's a problem.

The question to ask yourself is, "How much am I willing to tolerate?" "What is my communication boundaries?"

CSI • May 22, 2022

You seem to have been incredibly invested in this person who (it seems) you knew for a very short period of time. Did they behave poorly? Yes. It does sound as if they were overwhelmed and wanted things to unfold naturally rather than feeling forced. Not saying you were forcing anything, as I wasn't there, but even you yourself said you were very excited, and I know for myself, I feel that energy and it comes across as anxious and draining. Like they are just waiting for me to pay attention to them and give them what they want. It feels like an obligation rather than a light-hearted "getting to know one another" experience.

In addition to the fabulous answers given above I would say: no, you shouldn't have to make all of the contacts, you shouldn't have to ask all of the questions, and you shouldn't even attempt to remain friends.

TranquilStorm • May 22, 2022

Totally understandable that you wanna recreate a fun moment with a kindred spirit. However, my 2 cents are:

- Ask less and then stop. Asking multiple times a day over multiple days gives desperate/needy vibes. Especially with new acquaintances three times within three days is a good number, so make those times count. Afterwards only check after a couple of months/years if at all.

- You connected on a kink site. So even if your intentions were only game related it is fair to assume from her side that you have a longer game planned and try to bond through a common interest. That's not bad per se but can also explain reservations to mix both worlds.

Just from your description I feel things could have been communicated better and less energy consuming for both of you. Live and learn. In the end the stakes were low so initial disappointment aside, treat it as such.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • May 22, 2022

Sometimes people aren't aware how easily others are able to pick up on what they're laying down. In my eyes there's a world of difference between appropriately enthusiastic and overly eager. Eager vibes can frequently cause new acquaintances to step back and reassess what might otherwise have developed into a fledgling relationship.

It doesn't matter whether it was an online/video game versus a BDSM relationship really-for some of us calm, cool and collected is the only way to get past the initial toe in the water gambit. Situations like you've described are very hard to offer advice on because we're hearing just one side of this story - but based on how consumed you became with the outcome and how persistent it seems you were, I'd be willing to guess the person just felt overwhelmed but lacked the verbal skills (or the inclination) to express themselves.

When someone doesn't give an immediate answer it's not always a matter of being rude or shifty but sometimes an inability to cope with what they perceive as an onslaught of unexpected expectations. Some people react with anxiety rather than being flattered by sudden and unexpected pursuit even though the other person might not be aware of how they're coming across. It would have been less intimidating (perhaps) to have allowed the other party more leeway in responding but at this point it may be too late to salvage anything so the question of whether or not to remain "friends" may not be in your court.

IowaDom​(dom male) • May 22, 2022

The value of a friendship cannot be evaluated on the level of abuse or mistreatment a person is willing to take to be in it. I don't know that I can say this any plainer ....

just my 2 cents .....
~ID~

Dressing​(dom male) • May 23, 2022

As a response to CSI:
My excitement could easily be the factor of why they felt overwhelmed. I was also very aware of it, and tried my best to suppress it so that we could play when my friend wanted to, and not because I forced them. Though it turned from "Do you want to play today?" into "Do you want to play tomorrow?", "Do you want to play this weekend?", "Do you have time next week?" and then silence. But as you said, I probably came on to them as draining or anxious, and that is just too bad. I hope they didn't think of it as an obligation, because that would just make me feel bad.

As a response to TranquilStorm:
My fear, though, was that the relationship would end up in a graveyard if I didn't say anything. The way it was going, we hadn't talked for a week, and I thought to myself I'd rather be honest and hope to kick start it again, instead of letting it die slowly. I wanted a gaming buddy, not someone I talked to once a month or year. Also what you said about the connection through the cage made sense. I didn't understand why they suddenly started talking about the cage, but if they saw me as a dom wanting their attention as a sub, or whatever, then I understand why they even brought it up. What confused me was that I had tried to keep it as casual as a friendship can be and only wanted to game, so for me it came out of nowhere.

As a response to Spellbound Wytch:
Yes, I agree, what you've heard here is my side of the story, and doesn't represent the whole story at all. I did try my best to state the facts, telling how things were said without interpreting on them. And as I said, it would be a lot easier to just copy and paste the whole chat log so everyone could see for themselves what was said, and give advice that way. But as far as I know, that would be against the rules of the cage, to publicly display a private conversation, even if you make the names anonymous. I think you're right, by the way, when you say the person might have been overwhelmed. But that's exactly why I didn't understand why they even brought up "you didn't try to get to know me" in the first place. Whenever I asked them questions about stuff or them, they never responded to it, so what was I supposed to do? In any case, I really hope that they just had trouble expressing themselves as you said, because them I wouldn't feel like I somehow did something wrong.

And to everyone, thank you so much for your responses! It helped me find a little peace of mind and come to terms with the situation, even though it really troubled me mentally. I'll try to get back on the horse and have a look for a new gaming buddy! Hopefully this time will go better!

Ingénue{VK} • May 29, 2022

I'm really glad you were able to find the help you were seeking, Dressing. It can be tricky in the early stages of getting to know someone about how to gauge things and I think each of us tend to find our own rhythm, mostly through what we see as mistakes. Where possible it's useful to check in and make amends if appropriate but otherwise, moving on with peaceful attitude towards ourselves and others is the better route, especially online. Checking in with others as you have done can be useful too in gauging responses that resonate more and less clearly with us. I wish you luck in onward conversations!

I'mME • Jun 30, 2022

I would further add to your post, mistreatment and abuse are in the beginning states of what someone is already describing as a friendship, the other party would not have to worry about me asking to play a game, calling, or anything else.