Struggling

Struggling

CurvyEnglishRose • Sep 3, 2022

Hi,

I’ve been on and off with a Dom for a few years. It’s becoming really difficult as he’s very distant. He has
Psychopathic tendencies and he’s always been open about that with me. He says he loves me and that he wants to be there, he’s also talked about adopting my son and wanting to be his dad and getting married. When he’s around everything just seem right and easy.

Well, he doesn’t really communicate with me. He can go days without talking to me. I do my tasks, he’s notified, I get nothing. My heart is hurting, it’s worse than any sub-drop I’ve had in the past. I just don’t know what to do. I honestly feel like I struggle to breathe without him.

What do I do?

I'mME • Sep 3, 2022

CurvyEnglishRose,

I'm straight from the hip, blunt, not trying to offend.
He is not Domming you.
When he is not present , there is no Domming going on, and without a Dom, there is no submitting. You are just going through the motions.

Okay so he admits to having some mental health issues, although that is not what you wrote. Psychopath tendencies is the phrase you used.

What are we talking about exactly? Are they being dramatic, do they have any remorse for when they do something wrong, the questions I could ask are endless, but none of them matter but this one?

Do you want your child to feel like you do when your 'Dom' just stops you out of their life? It's one thing if you are willing to settle for it, but your child should not have to settle.
You know in your heart that it's not right how they treat you, mental health issues or not...

Could this be a story to just excuse their shitty behavior?

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 3, 2022

Sounds like a no-win scenario to me.

First of all whether one is "straightforward" about psychopathic tendencies.. a psychopath, by definition, is not to be trifled with. They can be dangerous as they have no control and often deviate into antisocial or even criminal behavior.

I'm no head-shrinker, but psychopaths and or their tendencies are pretty easy to look up.

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However, as posted above, if he's using this as an excuse to be distant and non-committal, then this relationship you have isn't worth a slice of moldy bread.

I am sorry that you seem dependent on this joker.

You should get some help, either from trusted friends, family, or professionals to get past this shit.

You're wasting your valuable time.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Sep 3, 2022

Oddly, I just watched a video yesterday about the differences between a Psychopath and a Sociopath. I recommend you watch it.

https://youtu.be/AHk7S6prF6M

Sir Richard​(dom male) • Sep 3, 2022

CurvyEnglishRose,

I am not sure what exactly you mean by "psychopathic tendencies" but as a psychiatric nurse practitioner, I can tell you you that you are in a codependent relationship which is unhealthy for you. What I mean by that is you enable his illness by feeling a need to stay in that relationship regardlessof how he treats you. He knows he can come and go as he pleases and you will be there for him. His behavior will not change because there is no consequences for it. If he is truly psychopathic his behavior won't change in a positive way regardless of what you do. He gets what he wants from you when he wants it, but has no consideration for your needs.

I agree with InMe's statement in an earlier post. You are not truly in a D/s relationship. In a true D/s relationship both parties involved have their needs met. A sub is only submissive because they chose to be and in so doing the sub receives pleasure and their needs are met. To be a Dom, you have to be present in the relationship. Being a true Dom doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. You have to guide your sub, provide direction and feedback (punishments, rewards, etc.). Physically and/or sexually abusing a sub without prior establishment of hard and soft limits and a provision of clear consent by the sub is PHYSICAL and/or SEXUAL ABUSE and both are illegal in almost every country. There are plenty offenders who play at being "Doms" to have an excuse to abuse others. They are not true Doms. Remember the true power in a D/s relationship lies with the sub. Only you can decide what you want and don't want. A Dom must respect those limits, or they are simply perpetrators of physical and/or sexual abuse.

I encourage you to seek help, ideally professional help, to address your feelings of dependence on this person. Truly look at what you get out of the relationship everyday, not just the days he chooses to grace you with his presence. It truly appears he is taking advantage of you, and there is no excuse for that. Mental health issues or not, he is not a healthy partner for you. If you are afraid of him, their are resources you can access for abused women/men. If he is truly psychopathic then he may be dangerous and you may need to seek legal help as well.

Please talk with a true professional psychiatric counselor (i.e not just a pastor if you have one) that can help you assess the situation and provide appropriate feedback and resources as needed.

I wish you the best and you are welcome to contact me if you if have further questions.

I'mME • Sep 3, 2022

I'm not sure that a psychopath knows that they are a psychopath? Do they?

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Sep 3, 2022

As someone that got interested in this just shy of 40 years ago, it obviously took me awhile to grasp what Domination and submission truly is. I 100% agree with Master Richard J's entire post. If your confused please reread his post as he nailed it as far as what a Dom should be. to reinforce his post, look at this one line and ask if you are getting any of this, and if not, way past time to bail.

>>>> To be a Dom, you have to be present in the relationship. Being a true Dom doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. You have to guide your sub, provide direction and feedback <<<<

ANY good Dominant should be helping his sub be the best person she can be in the bedroom, at home, at work, in all aspects of life. If your afraid of a strong confidant woman that can also embrace her submissive side, your not cut out to be a Dom.

IMHO.................

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Sep 3, 2022

That is a very shameful comment coming from someone that claims to be a psych nurse.

Diagnosing the poster based on one short post is professionally unethical and just unconscionable. An initial intake/diagnosis, at the very least, takes about an hour session and that only gives the mental health professional a glimpse into a diagnosis. I may not be a mental health professional, but I grew up with one and worked, and back working, in a psychologist's office for years. In fact, you are probably violating the laws that govern psychiatry in your state.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Sep 3, 2022

CurvyEnglishRose,

First, I am sorry to read you are struggling.

You state that he has "psychopathic" tendencies, but that's not actually a real medical diagnosis; has he been diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder?

What really matters....

It sounds like he was upfront with you about his illness, which is good, and he probably told you upfront what to expect in terms of symptoms and how he deals with them, but knowing all this and experiencing what happens when his symptoms flair is another thing.

Any one who is stating that you are not in a "true" D/s relationship and that he is not a "true" dominant......they are just completely WRONG. That is not for anyone else to decide but you and him. It's not his fault that he has a disability that prevents him from being present or communicating on a regular basis. He deals with his disability the way that works for him and that is a part who he is and doesn't make him less of a dominant.

HAVING A MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESS DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON ANY LESS OF A DOMINANT, NOR SUB/SLAVE, IT JUST MAKES IT MORE OF A CHALLENGE FOR EVERYONE IN THE DYNAMIC.

I work in a psychologist's office and I see how mental health illnesses effect the loved ones of the clients that come in. Any chronic illness takes a toll on everyone, but the fact remains that you have to decide what is best for you and your child....especially your child.

If he is a good man and you love him...or just want to be with him, then be with him. There are a lot of support groups for the partners of people who have severe mental health illnesses and they are amazing people: they will be there to talk if they can, they know about support services that are available in your area....if not, they will help you find what you need....and they are advocates for those who have the illness. Seriously amazing people.

Again, if you want to be with him and he is good for you and your child...then be with him.

Best Wishes

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Sep 3, 2022

>>>> HAVING A MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESS DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON ANY LESS OF A DOMINANT, NOR SUB/SLAVE, IT JUST MAKES IT MORE OF A CHALLENGE FOR EVERYONE IN THE DYNAMIC. <<<


What would you say about safety ?? I have been fortunate to witness several subs deep in sub space and basically not in control of their functions. I learned a long time ago that when A sub gives me control, she is also asking me to be in control of her SAFETY. If she is tied to the bed and the house catches fire, she needs to know that I wont bail on her, I will die trying my best to get her out, but I will not just save my ass and leave her to die.

I guess my question would be whether someone with a mental issue is capable of the power transfer. Obviously that's diff for each and every diff individual, but I would think that moist subs would run for the hills if you cant assure her safety. As I think she should....... Above and beyond the fact that darn near everyone else suggests that she run simply because the Dynamic is not what she wants.