Long term relationship is too vanilla

Long term relationship is too vanilla

TragedyControl • Feb 13, 2023

Hello all,

Ive been pondering a dilemma and would love to hear everyone’s feedback.

I have been with the same girl since the middle of high school… it’s now been 8 years… time really flies. In the beginning I was ashamed of my kinks in the bdsm world, and it wasn’t until the last couple of years I have been vocal about such ideas. At first she was excited to try something new so we researched some basic toys online to give her an idea.

Now the time of buying and using them was far between on the other hand. And when it came to using them, was a disaster. I’ve tried to make nights together of learning (rope tying) but never seems to not want to. I was and am prepared to take things slow and ease her into the lifestyle but it just doesn’t seem to be her jazz. I have stuffed my sexual desires down at the cost of my relationship and concerned there will be a boiling point.

It wasn’t until another woman gave me the attention I had been desiring from her that she made an effort. Now she deflects and says the bdsm community is full of damaged people that need therapy.

It’s hard to argue with that when I fit into that category.
Is my situation hopeless? As I type this out it seems I’m answering it for myself.

I appreciate any feedback!

CSI • Feb 13, 2023

Without being in the relationship, I can't say 100%, but I can say that completely relate and learned that my desires and happiness deserved to see the sunlight, just as theirs did. Neither person was wrong, they were just wrong for each other. We learn and grow - sometimes it's together and sometimes it's apart. Virtual hugs if you are into that sort of thing

Re: Long term relationship is too vanilla

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Feb 13, 2023

Can't argue with this. She is absolutely correct.

However, you seem to have something rather special going on. Unless there are other issues in the relationship, I wouldn't give it up just to feed a relatively minor need. You can't make a perfect system with imperfect parts.

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2023

I agree with IronWorld, who neatly sums up my view points on your situation.

However, that doesn't mean I am unsympathetic, or with out hope for your situation. Could you provide us with more details? Things like why the toys were a disaster, what got your partner initially invested, what kinks you share and what kinks you dont?

TragedyControl • Feb 13, 2023

Apologies to the readers I know it’s long winded…

I assume you mean invested in the relationship all together. It started out cause we were horny and attractive teenagers… but really it was a combination of our chaotic family dynamics, similar goals of education and leaving town.

Over the past 2 years we have learned she likes commands/ instructions and breath and orgasm play. I have always been more of a sadist. I find myself trying to make the rules difficult to hand out punishments and ultimately is where the trouble lies.

I think for her, it comes down to not being aroused by pain stimulation which I don’t blame her for. We used a Paddle and Crop a handful of times lightly but would turn into an argument for why she deserved not to be punished.

Aware that she’s fragile I try to give basic instructions with little discipline. As a result I become frustrated of the mundane situation I’ve created. Ive question if I should be more assertive and find out it kills the mood more. My sex drive is very high we are active all the time. However I’ve notice after trying to bring up bdsm ideas, the honey stops flowing for a couple days.

Other toys that were bought (candle wax, nipple clamps, rope) but were never used I have thrown out. To me having the toys was more of a tease so throwing them out was for me not her.

My intention was to put bdsm behind me for her, I am just curious if others have personal or heard of others with experiences similar.

Miki​(masochist female) • Feb 13, 2023

This will not likely end well.

One cannot make or convince a partner to be or do something that they don't want to be or do. 8 years is a long time to "invest" in a relationship but unless you want to continue to stuff the desires, a clean break might be in order.

Sorry I am not more optimistic on these matters but I see posts about "One partner wants to be a kink and the other does not" fairly often in here, and they will all end the same.

As that Iron sadist dude wrote above, if the rest of the relationship works, it would be a shame to toss it down the crapper for one relatively minor need. Of course it's not "minor" for everyone. You'll be the one to decide of course.

valhallarayne • Feb 15, 2023

i may not be overly liked for this ...but here goes....

i dont think you can put *bdsm* behind you for her, no matter how much you may want to despite how long the two of You have been together for.

You know what You want and desire, that wont go away no matter how much you try to stuff it down. Especially since You both have dabbled alittle bit. The fire has been started... now it wants to be fed.

gillesderais​(sub male) • Feb 15, 2023

Wow, you're with the same girl you met in high school! You are so young. You and she have the whole of the rest of your lives before you. Don't waste the rest of your life with someone who doesn't share your deepest needs and desires. You won't be happy and neither will she!

I'mME • Feb 15, 2023

PlayfulPain,

*It’s hard to argue with that when I fit into that category.*

I still do not understand how to quote part of a post, italicize it, make it stand out so I use asterisks to denote what part I am referring to.

What preceded this above is your GF said people into BDSM were all damaged.

Then you wrote what I quoted above. Are you in agreement with what she thinks? Is that what you mean by this sentence?

You bought some toys and am I to understand that after ordering them , them arriving, and it was awhile before you were able to use them you believe she lost interest in the toys?

I didn't get that part.

Your next post is more clear. What kind of research have you done into this field? BDSM ? D/s is a whole other topic, it could stand alone is why I write this. You mention an interest all your life into BDSM, you mentioned a lady gave you what you what you had been wanting.
That was not D/s. It was topping and bottoming .

If you want your partner enjoys rules commands, then you two sit down at a table with clothes on and they get to have input into the rules.
This is where it gets so individualistic, what types of rules, then punishment for not following the rule (should find out why).
Rituals and protocols. Don't make it complicated at first. Tell her to come up with some things she enjoys doing for you and you come up with some things that you believe will broaden her thinking, help her in an area of life (drinking water is very important to the human body, since 70% is made of it, so if she doesn't consume enough water, that could be a rule beneficial to her health)
Your partner should have input on what disciplines they receive.

Then both of you discuss these how and what, and the details of what will happen if the rule is not followed. What type of punishments are acceptable to her, but you make the final determination as to what punishments are written down and then you and she are on the same page.

X doesn't happen, then y is the punishment. Or you could have a ascending punishment list. First time rule gets broken, 2nd time, and so forth.

BE SPECIFIC. In your language and she needs to be specific in her language. Do not stray out of what yall agree to. Put it to paper then there is something to back
at.

Consistent, trustworthy, respect all the way around. COMMUNICATION. this should take place in a neutral area with clothes on in a relaxing atmosphere.

It sounds to me like she thinks the punishments are arbitrary. Are they?

How did you come about the skills for impact play? Have you struck yourself with it? Do you know about warm ups?
You need to have the skills to engage in a lot of these things.

What you use for punishment (impact implement) should be reserved for punishment and not used to bring eroticism.

Also what about other forms of punishment , corner time, writing lines, doing a research paper, the possibilities are ENDLESS when someone uses their brain and knows their sub in and out. It doesn't have to be corporal.
Did they agree to this type of punishment.

Actually the entire dynamic is y'all's to decide the how, the what.
But you did ask for advice.

I'm not getting into the subject of outside the bedroom rule breaking and the punishment bring carried into the bedroom.
That's another thing, is this just kinky fun in the bedroom or are y'all trying to have a D/s dynamic, with PE?

This isn't one person gets to decide the rules , the punishment, how long how hard, when it stops, and the sub doesn't have any input.

I'm not saying that you didn't allow them input but it sounds like they have a problem with the why you are punishing.

They get to negotiate , and if you are looking for a dynamic where you decide the rules, make them and the punishments still your sub gets to know the rules and the penalty for not obeying .


You may be doing some of this or all of it, I doubt it.

Please let us know what you decided?

missusK​(sub female) • Feb 15, 2023

Firstly, to say that BDSM practitioners are damaged people, is completely gaslighting behaviour, and 100% false.

It's fine to not be into it, but to assume that others are because they have issues is a huge red flag. That alone, would be enough for me to give up that relationship. But that's just me.

Sadly, if you're partner isn't interested in kink and thinks this way, it doesn't matter how you approach it, or what you say, it isn't going to be their thing.
I'm married, have been with my partner for 18 years, and he tried hard to be someone he wasn't for my sake for too long. It ultimately has changed whatever we had in the beginning, but no one is at fault.
Sometimes people aren't compatible, no matter how much you wish it.

If not being with you partner is an issue for you (and it likely is, after 8 years), I would recommend having a chat about opening your relationship to get your needs met. And if that isn't an option, I'll ask you now, how long do you plan on living as only a part of who you are?

There is no easy answer here, but as someone told me, you only get 80 springs (and you've likely lived a chunk of them already), how many will you spend not living life to it's fullest?