Communication

Communication

Ingénue{VK} • Sep 15, 2023

In a recent discussion I've been told by my current kink interest not to assume that the negative stress of the rest of my life will have a negative effect on my dynamic. I'm to communicate it rather than avoid it.

Cornerstones of BDSM blah blah. It's a change of gear.

I'm not sure how to adjust to this one. Sounds like it should be easy and I'm finding it doesn't come naturally. At all. He says I have improved from the beginning in this regard although it doesn't feel like it.

His position towards me is one of consistent support and care and has been throughout our time in dynamic of over a year. He's given a very sound reply and has also suggested I put it to forum - as thoughts and experiences of others are often of use.

Comments appreciated.

I'mME • Sep 15, 2023

Ingénue,

Talking is easy, communcation IS hard.

BECAUSE IT MAKES US VULNERABLE.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Sep 15, 2023

I just want to make sure I am getting this right:

Your Current Kink Interest is saying that outside stresses will impact your D/s relationship?

If that is correct, then your CKI is quite correct. Stressors like Job, Other Personal Issues, Life itself will and can affect any relationship. Maybe more so on a D/s one.

Bringing those stressors to them can help you focus on mitigate them. This is the reason my wife comes home and tells me the fuckups at work. It is not so much she is looking for a solution for them but to get them off her chest and out of mind. You CKI may be looking at it the same way.

Max Heathen​(other male) • Sep 15, 2023

Stress, is dependent on how you view the situation. Negative or Positive, it's just you POV in most cases, though admittedly not all. I will agree with your Kink interest on this though because you normally don't have an "AH HA!" moment when you are overcoming shit from your past and how you deal with similar today. As you heal, just like a wound, it's slow and the only time you really notice is when it "itches" or somebody else points it out... which is the way it's suppose to be. However I have been guilty of saying the same line I've used a 1000 times just to be challenged on it and realize, HOLY FUCK!! That's NOT the me I'm proclaiming to be.
In my case, I have a bad temper that flares up irrationally and I tend to hit walls and smash through doors... However, Bunny pointed out that she has only seen me hit a wall maybe twice in the Three years we've been together and a door, once... that's not... the me I use to be. Now I find myself not only taking time to cool my tits before I say or do anything, I think about what I'm going to say and why. How it may affect that listener and is it really worth that kind of pain to their emotions and or mind? Some truth don't need spoken, while others just don't need to be force fed with a jagged rusty spork at stabbing speed.
Did I notice it... a lil yes but because I seemed to be happier more often than not, but did I really? Fuck no, and I'm not even sure when it actually changed to this extent. When did my negative, somebody is trying to kill me, don't trust anybody... turn into, take the hit and give it try because you've survived worse than what they can do to the emotional shit in my life. If I never give a person the chance to prove me wrong, I'll never be anything more than a fuck'n victim and I loath that mindset.
Anyways, I hope this helped, hun.

Max.

Satindragon{Not Lookin} • Sep 15, 2023

This is a tuff one for sure.

It’s amazing how much alike we are. When you are a strong soul it’s difficult to pass the baton.

It’s hard because we have spent so many years protecting those we love and even a few that didn’t deserve it. But that’s just who we are.

Part of being a submissive/slave is learning how to empty everything at our Masters feet. You fit well with him. Trust is the key. Knowing you can lay everything at his feet and he’ll help or just listen.

Sometimes all we need is for someone to here our voice. I know how much you want to protect him from all the ups and downs that no one can control. You ask yourself why should I worry him with this stuff. He has more than enough on his plate.

NOC, once told me that having a submissive made him more focused on his health. Because he had to be healthy for her. Maybe your Dom sees it that way as well. Helping you is helping him stay focused.

We have to let them in. I know it isn’t easy. But trust your dragon friend. Sometimes we need to be that weaker vessel.

Osu

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Sep 15, 2023

Many factors go into our communication skill sets. Our past families, friends and relationships developed during formative years and relationships. Sometimes there are negative and even toxic relationships that cause us to be guarded in communicating. But. . .one of the greatest strengths of a solid dynamic relationship built upon this choice in lifestyle is open, unfiltered communication. When you are with the one (or more - not judging) individual or individuals you are meant to be with, you should be in a very safe space where you can speak about whatever you need or desire to speak about without judgement or with the proper level of judgement and feedback (if that makes sense).

You should feel safe! Obviously anything in life that causes you stress will impact all aspects of your life. But your current kink interest is right (and so are your friends) you avoid the negative impacts on your relationship when you communicate what is going on. Slowly build up the trust and faith that you can actually lean on someone in a safe environment. The dynamic should be that safe environment.

I have developed solid friendships with a few people (ahem) and I feel I can go to them with any concerns I have about life, or stressors, or just anything, and I don't fear them running screaming from me. I feel safe being me. And I would hope that I provide the same safe environment for them to simply be . . . themselves, positive and negatives alike.

Good forum post. Your current kink interest was correct. I'm glad he advised you to put this up.

AngelBunny • Sep 16, 2023

Communication is extremely hard especially when emotions are involved and we are in a stress response mode. I have a tendency to either shut down or get defensive when having an uncomfortable conversation. But those uncomfortable conversations have to happen if we want to overcome or resolve our issues in significant relationships.

I like to think of progress as a spiral instead of something linear. Like driving around a mountain trying to get to the top and I do come back around to the side of the mountain that gives me a lot of trouble but I am a little higher up than I was before, a little closer to my goal. Change happens in baby steps.

It seems like you have someone who is supportive and encouraging. Stay the course and it will get easier.