Peeling onions, aka scrutinising ogres

Peeling onions, aka scrutinising ogres

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Oct 12, 2023

Since I've joined the cage, I've seen a few blogs /posts about predators and poor interaction for new submissives entering the arena. Domineering or mysoginistic men masquerading as dominants, women heartbroken and hurting when emotional needs and attachment don't match. ( and a post about dominant female character flaws....)

My question is this: do dominants not encounter the same issues? Thinking they've found a good match only to see it disintegrate before their eyes? Am I just not seeing the posts? Just my confirmation bias? Is it something doms don't post about?

Does anybody think it's different in any way?

And if a dominant has begun to really get to know someone, only to realise they aren't a good fit, how is that communicated if that power and control balance has already shifted, and is in action, ie with some degree of 'Ds co-dependency' established?

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2023

Yes.

Yes we do. During my time within the lifestyle, I have encountered a double handful of those who I originally thought were going to be wonderful, then turn into horror shows under the full moon.

One of those I even managed to take as my slave.

We Dominants get played for our emotions, just like those inside the collar. Our loneliness, need for companionship, even our desire for touch sometimes blinds us to redflags we tell others to look for.

In the end, we are only human and, sometimes, we fall for the traps other humans will set for us.

Random Male​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2023

Topeka nailed it. I'm not an easily opened person for reasons.

As for how it was communicated? Not well. Not well at all. Being manipulated sucks.

UpFromTheAshes​(switch gender queer) • Oct 12, 2023

Speaking as someone who's only ever played on the s side, I still feel confident saying that D-types also have these negative experiences, feeling taken advantage of, manipulated, even abused. I've known a number of D-types who are hesitant or even traumatized because of such bad experiences. But I also think that we as a community tend to prioritize giving s-types a safe space to talk about our bad experiences, and I know D-types can even have their experiences dismissed by the community because of the (false) sense that since they're the ones "in control" they can walk away any time. It also seems like many of those on that side of the slash are simply less inclined to talk about it in any case, just by their nature.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2023

I see two distinct questions and trains of thought:
1. Do Dominants “encounter the same issues” (I’ve paraphrased your question) and conversely why don’t you hear about it? Yes, as the esteemed gentleman above indicates. We are all human, and often led by the heart or the loins or both. But honestly most don’t post about it. They accept their anguish and pain in silence. It’s probably a Dom thing.

2. How does a “good” Dominant convey when it isn’t working out? My personal belief - a Good Dominant ensures there is plenty of communication going back and forth so there isn’t a power exchange until they know they fit. Too many children are playing at this lifestyle - they hop in hot and horny and just chat about the kinky stuff. Until the real stuff comes up and they “suddenly” realize it isn’t going to work. If all parties had taken their time to actually determine whether they fit first, there wouldn’t be the awkward moment of silence before Ghosting occurs. And I personally believe the Dominant should control the tempo to ensure all parties take their time getting to know whether it’s a good fit.

But if it isn’t a good fit, honesty. Simply say why it isn’t a good fit. And if there is a manner it can be resolved, work at it within the dynamic. But if you’ve already started the dynamic and effected a power exchange, both parties owe it to the dynamic to actually try to resolve the matter honestly with open communication.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Oct 13, 2023

Food for thought methinks. X

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2023

I don't know if it is a Dom thing that we don't talk about it, or an Ego thing.

Is it we have a duty to be right all the time? Do we not want to show that we make mistakes and have to pay for them, as other humans do?

I don't know.

I don't talk about personal issues because of a number of reasons. Some of them are Ego but none of them are really lifestyle oriented. It isn't that I don't admit to being a fuck up, I do that all the time. But there are some things that remain buried in my heart and will remain so til they shut the lid on me.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2023

I concur Topeka, there are a myriad of reasons. I don't know if I've unwrapped that one in myself yet. I do talk - to a few trusted folks. Sometimes I feel I talk too much, but they are friends and they accept it.

I don't take out a one page article in the local paper lamenting my woes. I think that was more what I was getting at - Dominants tend (or at least I and my friends) to talk about personal issues on a smaller scale if we talk. And I agree, it's ok to admit failures or fuck ups. Honestly, before one can Dominant anyone else, they need to focus on controlling themselves.

I make mistakes and to those I am closest, I rely on them to help me through it or point it out. And that goes doubly for anyone I'm in a relationship with and especially a dynamic.

LordofPain56 • Oct 13, 2023

I'm an open book. I'll tell ya a true story of someone who messaged me on this site a couple years back (name has been omitted in the interest of privacy). She sent me the first message in shock, believing that I must have been some kind of monster. We traded several messages back and forth and at some point, I sent her my full detailed profile (not the one on this site). The one I have here is vastly abbreviated.
So, after she had read it, I asked her if she found anything objectionable. She mentioned that she could not live without giving oral sex (which I had listed in my profile as off-limits due to my belief that oral sex was degrading to a woman). That was the end of that. Out of all that information, she found one thing that she determined to be a dealbreaker. But I wish her well and hope she finds the love of her life.
My original belief when joining this site was that I could just interact with folks on the forum, and I never thought people would respond to my abbreviated profile. But there have been a few who have messaged me, if for nothing other than curiosity. The detailed profile is available for those few who have asked for it privately. But I had that same profile on another BDSM website for many years and it garnered no interest, so why should I use it elsewhere. Personally, I'm not hiding anything and I am not trying to trick anyone or make myself out to be something I am not. But the whole truth is in that detailed profile for those who express an interest in it or portions of it.
So yes in answer to your question, I have seen what I thought could have been a budding relationship slip out of my hands, but not because I held anything back. I think it is better to get everything out in the open early for both potential partners to avoid hurt feelings before a personal relationship can ensue.

LordofPain56 • Oct 13, 2023

I think it is harder for BDSM folks to break up than vanilla folks due to our elevated emotional attachments to each other. I think it is important for potential partners to prepare a complete and truthful personal inventory of their characteristics, habits, lifestyle, financial management style and how they envision interacting with their partner on a daily basis. They would exchange their lists and write out any questions and concerns they can discuss for either a compromise or termination of communications. It doesn't need to be nasty, emotional or ugly. You haven't even met in person yet.
However, my method of searching for a permanent partner hasn't gotten me too far either. The danger of exposing yourself completely all at once is that the reader will likely find one thing out of all your profile that they may be uncomfortable with and walk away.
I'd like to find a couple that have been together for 40 years that don't have several things about them that would suggest they aren't a good match. Life isn't perfect. You can't find perfection on the internet. Far from it.