Indicators that Someone is Likely a Dom

Indicators that Someone is Likely a Dom

Berren​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2023

Scenario – a young woman, shy by nature, strongly submissive and wanting to develop a relationship with a dom met someone at work. There is a mutual attraction and the man invited her to a coffee shop with the obvious intent of hoping to start a relationship. She is happy to join him for coffee and would certainly consider him as a friend if he’s not a dom but she only wants a dom as a romantic partner. What are some subtle things she can do to let him know she is a sub and what can she do to help her determine if he is a dom or not?

Related to the questions above, I had a very good relationship with a sub who I met purely by accident in a park. I was on a bench and a breeze blew a document I had by my side past her as she was walking on the path. Before I could get up to chase it, she went out of her way to get it and deliver it to me. I, of course, thanked her. She had an accent I couldn’t quite place and I asked her about it. In answering, she kept her eyes lowered and addressed me as “sir”. Based on that interaction, I had 3 clues that she might be a sub so I gave her my card and invited her to call me if she ever needed help in my business specialty or wanted to join me for a cup of coffee someday. I was very surprised when she called me 8 or 10 days later. We met for coffee and it developed into a very good relationship.

What subtle and, perhaps, not so subtle things can this young sub do to help her determine that her co-worker is not vanilla and to encourage a lifestyle relationship? On this site, most of our profiles and communications can be polite but pretty direct, it’s not so easy outside of the net. I’d prefer that the man she is interested in not have the same employer as she but it is what it is and, in my mind at least, that raises the level of complication.

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Dec 11, 2023

Subtle is a touch outside my wheelhouse but my best advice is to drop random acts of kindness and simple verbal follow-ups. At some point, ask him if you can get him some coffee and if he says yes, ask later if the coffee made him happy or if you did a good job. If he asks why you're asking, tell him you're a people pleaser.

Hope you get a good Dom and not a narcissist.

Berren​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2023

IronWorld, your suggestion is definitely helpful. Thank you.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2023

I had a wonderful marriage that lasted over 20 years with a woman who enjoyed being my slave girl. Met her online.

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 11, 2023

.. "being subtle not in my wheelhouse"... (paraphrase) sayeth the sadist... That bears a slight resemblance to an understatement. "meant in a nice way"

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What shy sub should do is... see the guy again. Subtle hints might go his head, (Never mind that not all Doms are the brightest bulbs on the fucking tree) ... or if he catches the drift, he may also not want to delve into that kind of thing right off the bat too soon.

If he's wrong, and she is merely the quiet and reserved type, rolling out even small samples of being into the D of D/s... could turn her off and/or scare her off.

Or a guy who is strong willed but not into BDSM living could inadvertantly give off indications that he is. (hopefully this makes sense.)

Bottom line: A bigger "sample size" is indicated, and don't jump to conclusions too soon lest one scare off the other in nerror.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2023

Not being a Douchebag

fluffypoppet​(sub female){Protected} • Dec 11, 2023

I was raised in the south. It is the way of my people to call everyone sir. I got the hard look or even the threat of spankings if I failed to do it as a kid... I don't use it as an honorific... but, I know a certain crowd will respond a certain way to that specific word...

BUT, I'd be very careful using it to gauge a reaction from someone. I wouldn't want to "out" them or overstep since I know most people *do* use it as an honorific.

And let's be real... this shy girl isn't approaching any potential Doms. 🤭🤭🤭 I don't chase... I attract.

Berren​(dom male) • Dec 12, 2023

Miki, as is typical of your contributions, you’ve provided a different (at least for me) a helpful perspective. Thank you. What I am not clear on is your use of “sample size.” I took it to mean more interactions with the same potential dom but it might also be construed as interactions with more than one potential dom. Can you please flesh that out?

fluffypoppet, you make an important point related to the word “sir”, thank you, and I happen to agree that attracting vs. chasing is the better strategy, particularly for a sub. What would you consider to be polite hints from a man that he is interested in not only a relationship but a D/s relationship?

fluffypoppet​(sub female){Protected} • Dec 12, 2023

I don’t gravitate to people that want to jump into a dynamic quickly. I prefer to take my time and get to know them as people first.

One of the perks of getting to know someone slowly is finding out their interests. No need to be coy about it. My friends can admit to being kinky freely without going into situation-inappropriate specifics. I look for honesty and good communication skills so that would tick two boxes in their favor.

Polite hints aren’t going to get far with me. I’ll just assume someone is being kind/sweet/friendly.

Alternatively humor might be a good approach. But it would be situational and playful.

Otherwise I’m a very skittish girl. Can’t help it.

xaiverc​(dom male) • Dec 12, 2023

I'd like to take a moment and point out something which I've noticed over the years. BDSM lifestyle, whether it be scenes on the weekend to 24/7 TPE, tends to attract neurodivergent people. I'm not stating this is true "all" or even "most" people in the community. For those who fall on the spectrum of autism, subtle can be an extremely difficult cue to pick up on. This is also true for the group Miki mentions "not all Doms are the brightest bulbs on the fucking tree"

Your safety and well being is paramount. As such I would never suggest the subtle approach. Have a few outing, coffee, dinner, etc. If the really is a chance at a relationship the subject of sex will come up... come on, we're talking about a guy here (yes, yes, I know I'm stereotyping. Find a plastic bag and breath deeply.) Nudge the conversation towards what he likes and what you like. I'm not staying that can't or shouldn't start off subtle, but don't spend much time there.

In the end he will likely fall into one three broad categories: Not interested in BDSM, BDSM curious, and BDSM involved.
- Not Interested :: You move on.
- BDSM curios :: With you also being new and just starting out. This could be really good, but probably not. This lifestyle presents it own challenges two people fumbling around in the dark, usually doesn't work out well. Not saying it can't, but I wouldn't be buying lottery tickets.
- BDSM involved :: Maybe, as with group, there are good members and those than improvement. Ask if you can speak with any of his prior subs, and if so, really chat with them. Spend more time talking with him, express your limits, desires, concerns; pay attention to how he responds. Do the words spoken, actions (body language), and mannerisms all line up? If not, move on.

Finally, become active in the community. Speak with other subs, and Doms about how they interact together. Get a feel for what you want from a Dom. The greatest thing that happened to be me is that I was brought the lifestyle by Dom who recognized that I was one as well. He would become a life long friend and mentor. Find a friend/mentor for yourself. You are much more likely to find success if you set yourself up for it. Leaning on the community to help guide you along this path is a good way to start.

I do wish you the best of luck. And good cups of coffee.

.X