Is Experience A Turn On or Turn Off For You?

Solace​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2024

I appreciate the sentiment. Thank you.

I think there's more discourse to be had in this direction, but I recognize that I am becoming a cause for digression and I wish not to so firmly steer the topic off course. I'll return if the host calls for it, but otherwise I'll take my leave. Thank you for humoring me.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Jun 18, 2024

Humoring?? lol You’re too sweet. I call it blunt about my thoughts and emotions. Wrong often enough….

Digression. I agree to disagree with you once again. I feel within a true transparent discussion about a subject without someone deciding to be an asshat it branches off some. That’s normal for a healthy discussion within a forum.

Back to the subject at hand. You’re giving permission to others to choose their own path. With specificity pertaining to preferences. Why not give it to yourself? And kudos for having the balls to say you prefer the more inexperienced.

I’m with Miki you’re one of the good guys around here.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2024

Experience in what? A particular activity? The lifestyle in general?

In the years past, I seemed to specialized in subs who were new to the lifestyle. I mean to the point where others wondered if I was preying on newbies. But in reality, I was making sure they got started off on the right path. Sorta my own "Catch & Release" program.

Now days, I don't want to do that anymore. Not because newer folks don't need it, but for me. I don't want to reinvent the wheel with every relationship.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Mostly} • Jun 18, 2024

I can see why D types may prefer a less experienced submissive. I think the disconnect that happens is we (general we here) are thinking that inexperienced equates to uneducated. This is often the case but it’s not always the case. I know many inexperienced subs who have invested time and effort into first educating themselves, so I feel that calling a D who wants an inexperienced submissive red flagy is unfair. It doesn’t mean he wants someone weak and uneducated with no boundaries. I certainly don’t think the gentleman who posted earlier is looking to take advantage, and I am fairly sure that he would invest his time honorably in a new submissive. Shiny new things are, well, shiny and new! No harm in that.

I suppose it is like any human relationship in that there is always a level of risk involved when you start a relationship. You don’t truly know if you’re safe until you experience the relationship and share experiences with the person. Even people who have zero interest in deceiving you or harming you, may end up doing so. Because we’re messy, beautiful, imperfect, and fallible humans.

I would also say not to discount the experienced as a worn out pair of socks.
I have lots of experience in some areas and I also have no experiences in others. There are plenty of things that two old birds like Daddy and I can discover together for the first time. And even the tried and true things are always brand new with a new D type because they have their own style and they may even surprise you with adopting a new style. Daddy likes to keep me on my toes, and I do the same.

It’s all an adventure, and adventures come with some risk. In my experience, it’s almost always worth that risk, even if you’re walking away a little bloodied and bruised.

I love to see the girls I know discussing their boundaries and their needs, I see these girls doing meaningful self work every day (yes you!), and it makes my heart smile. I am so proud to be part of your journey and to share friendships with you. Keep asking the questions, keep setting those boundaries, and keep looking for your partner who respects you in the ways that you need. Although sometimes I like to say, “I deserve the respect to be disrespected”, meaning “trust me, you can be my dastardly sadist!”

Miki​(masochist female) • Jun 18, 2024

Hmm.. doms posting their experience level on profiles and such.. Nothing wrong with that. And whether it's BDSM or not, it does tend to be a "guy" thing, a fine blend of ego and expectations, perceived or not.

Dial it back to high school days... What guy is going to go about proclaiming that he "ain't gotten no ass yet"? It's a social killer at that age and the mindset persists well beyond those years. If a man hasn't gotten any "yet" there are those who assume there's something wrong with him. So of course a guy will mention this and that experience in any profile, be it here, Fet, or a mainstream site.

But to the question, when I was active, it didn't matter except in the more hardcore acts in S&M. They could do whatever they wanted to masochist me, but when it came to certain heavy bondage, even suspension, they had to know what they were doing otherwise it was dangerous for me.

But over all, no, it didn't and wouldn't matter to me, but generally all felt the need to share their experience level.

---------------------------------------------------------------

@Solace: Relax, buddy. You're a good guy.

lambsone • Jun 18, 2024

I got involved in BDSM when I was 47, and being so new to it, I wanted to find someone who had experience. I don't think I cared how much they had, just that they had done the activities they were interested in. Our co-interest, when I did find someone, was rope bondage but we did more than that of course. It turns out that he had a lot of experience, but I could still tell that in respects he was experimenting sometimes too. I didn't mind that.

Now that I'm soon to be 25 years older, and my body is very different than it used to be, there's no way I could turn myself over to a fresh out of the gate Dom. It would be suicide. So rather for inexperience to be a turn off or turn on, for me it's primarily a practical issue of safety and the type of handling that a Dom has to have for an older gal. They have to know what to look for during play with an older sub, understand their sub's energy level at this stage in life, how long their sub can last in an activity, the type of aftercare they need, etc. Which is all the same for handling a sub at any age but there are different specifics to watch for and understand them. I bruise more easily now and the bruises last at least 2 weeks before they even start to fade.

I often get maledoms or malesubs who are in their 20's/30's/40's contacting me for a relationship. Some wanting me to teach them, and/or Dom them or they think they could be a good Dom for me. If anything is a turn off for me, it's the younger guys who probably wouldn't understand the true needs and psyche of an older woman. Plus I don't have the patience anymore for dealing with relationships with men who are so much younger than myself. It would take more outlay of energy than I have to spare.

I've interacted with several Doms here at the cage for a relationship, even some as young as 13 years younger. That's about as far back as I would go, and they all had mountains of experience. It just worked out that way and at this time of my life, I do find that attractive. I like being able to look up to a man who pretty much knows what he's doing and in areas where he doesn't he's humble enough to admit he doesn't without bruising his ego.

No matter how little or much experience a Dom or sub has, there is always more to learn. None of us will ever achieve 100% total mastery over any bdsm activity. The lifestyle is so vast, the list of activities so multitudinous (is that a word?) that it would take a lifetime to even just sample them all. Personal preferences being what they are, and the total package of any man I might be interested in factors into whether I would find them suitable for me and me for them, not only how much experience they might have.

And now my brain needs a rest.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2024

I tend to favor folx who at least have an idea of what they want out of this, and a passing familiarity with the process of getting there. To me, courage, open-mindedness and a desire to learn are more telling than experience. Even differentiating experience levels, how you process your experience is meaningful to me than what experience you have. With all of the fantasy-heavy portrayals of kink dynamics on offer, it is important to at least have a realistic idea of what you are looking for.

heykitten​(sub female) • Jun 18, 2024

I don’t care about the level of experience, I only care about how it is expressed. Every person you meet has a history and each story is different, leading to different experiences and a knowledge of different things.

Sometimes more experienced Doms intimidate me and that’s my red flag right there. Because when that happens, it’s usually them just hiding a demeaning or even abusive personality behind what they call experience. But most aren’t like that. They use their knowledge to guide and explain without taking value away from my own feelings.

But on the other hand, I also find it a charming trait to be honest and say hey, I haven’t seen or done much yet. In the world we live in, it takes courage to confess that you don’t know the answer to everything yet.

BunnyBites​(sub female){HoK} • Jun 18, 2024

For me it is a turn on, however it will always determine what their experience is, and to what level? Sometimes a know it all can also be a major turn off if they are arrogant.

Mr E​(dom male) • Jun 19, 2024

Oddly enough I started my journey as a dominant here some years ago and was very upfront about it. I made friends and engaged with quite a few people but obviously have no idea if it put people off, or how many.

Since then, my anecdotal, experience has been a general preference in the submissives I have seen, spoken to, and observed their seeking ads for dominants with experience. I am sure the reasons for this are multitudinous and cannot be condensed into simple truths that represent majorities.

I have played with new people to kink, and people with experience that humbles my own many times over. As long as someone isnt shut off to new things and ways of looking at the world, thats the key thing.