Frustrated

Frustrated

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Dec 11, 2024

Have you ever loved someone dearly but also resented them just a little bit? That’s how I feel. Right now. My husband and I are into kink, swinging..all that good stuff. And by “into” I mean we’ve dipped our toes in a little bit but mostly we talk …and talk…and talk. Endless talking. I’d love to do more..experience more. Go to a club and experience a female glory hole. Set up a hotel room and have all my kinky male friends have a turn with me. Swing more. Do a threeseome. The problem? My husband is comfortable. He has a wife that will have sex anytime he wants…worship his cock…take his punishments…do basically whatever he wants. We have a quasi dom/sub dynamic that is really just punishments and him talking like a dom at times. It’s not really a dynamic. There’s no power exchange. It’s more like play acting. He stops punishments if I grimace. He doesn’t demand anything of me or set tasks. He’s a nice dom…too nice…he’s just basically a loving hubby who spanks and paddles me sometimes. (I do love it!)

I’m fully aware that I sound ungrateful. I have loving hubby. He’s kind to me, great in bed. We are best friends. What more can I want? But have you ever just wanted to have control of your life? I feel like I don’t, nor have I ever had it. It was my parents and then hubby who have called the shots. And I am aware that I allowed that and didn’t question or fight it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some beaten down wife who can’t stand up for herself. I have plenty of control over money, children and household stuff. But sexually? No. He calls the shots. He approves or stops swaps and meet ups. He puts his foot down on who I can interact with. I could fight it. Argue. Demand. But have you ever fought someone who is the nicest boulder you’d ever meet? He doesn’t yell or make me feel bad. It’s just simply…no.

A typical conversation …
Me: Can I meet our friend who is knowledgeable about kink, impact play, bondage? He’s like to have a session with me. You would be there. You know him. You’ve had many conversations. He has a dungeon. He’s invited us both out.
His answer? No.

Me: what about a threesome? I have a friend. He’s very chill. Would be great.
His answer? Not no but no interest…won’t talk about it…changes the subject. Acts really interested and the next day, backs out.

So I’m frustrated. I’ve had one sexual partner my whole life. I’ve played with couples but we never really swapped and had a full swap. I want to experience things. I’m fully of kinky desire. But I love my husband with a passion. He’s my partner…my best friend…the one adult I love most in life. I would never give that up for some frivolous sex. But why do I want it so much? Maybe I should get off of kink sites and just focus on a vanilla life. But will I regret ever diving into kink and constantly have an itch I’ll never scratch?

Honest (hopefully kind, I’m being vulnerable here 🙏🙏) input is greatly and thankfully appreciated.

Cello Trance{for You} • Dec 11, 2024

I am in a very, very similar situation to you, and I totally appreciate it. I don't have great advice for you with it because I don't quite know what to do with my own situation. I do know that I need help with that just like you do.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Dec 11, 2024

I have been there. Still with him (together 35 years) , love him to bits, also my best friend.

I wanted more, and more. And he didn't. The only solution : talk, communicate,share, be open. In the end, I had to basically be willing to lose it all, and separate/divorce if we couldn't find a way to explore more, staying together. In the end, it was my conviction that we could do it, ie explore more and yet stay together, that carried us through. But there was a lot, and I mean a LOT of hard work, pain and talk as we navigated it.

Softnote​(masochist female) • Dec 11, 2024

You have wants and needs desires just as anyone that is in a relashinship but missing the little desire in your life.
Talk to him but they are not willing well then have open thing or your just gonna have to keep hush hush well do what you gotta do.
But if your not being fulfilled but they won't change then you need to ether leave or stay and don't say word say going out with the girls cause if your staying you need
to make up your mind what you wanna do or go on your way or its playing to stay together. Ya know one should be unhappy. Cause not every partner will change. Your not getting in return not really fair ya I know cheating not good but your still coming back to him after it. Unless he going to make you cheese cake make you cum every night.


 Never give up on your desires and dreams even but it must go on , do them use your imagination with pleasure and passion. Yes women have a deeper pure seduction and need a thirst of arousal. Play to stay together, take pictures that night, show your husband what you wore, make your husband into a cuckold, let him beg for you to watch, maybe it's his turn to remember what you are.  People have done it for decades, nothing is stopping you start being sexy sultry be the women you want to become. You still be a wife be slutty vixen but you have to do you share get him in the mood when you are at home wear sheer and be naked and wear apron when making coffee and serve him tell him your deep desires write him a note whisper in ear take your clothes off slowly in front of him. Keep the spark alive, keep the bond going, men need to pick me of sexual desires also to align with you.  A submissive is a goddess in her mind and soul. Just be sexy for you, embrace it, wear boots , leather , lace, change it up , wear wigs sup rice yourself and him and slip him a little wine so some belly dancing for him takes him out. He needs to court you and take you on dates. But in other words, if he still can't do other things let him know when you're going out, check in with you and know you're safe if he needs to pick you up. 1950s their thing called maintenance spanking wife to know her place get him interested wear some vintage stuff of choice be stepford you should be getting in devices and doing some exotic erotica things. Should be making you melt that you come a river. You might need to try those bdsm and swinger , sex cruses that only for adults. Be sex vixen you want to be let never give up those dreams. Think you could set of your glory hole dreams be a goddess who needs to be touched. Become a hot wife that's will get you more. Or you try place virtual place as of second life they have bdsm places , glory holes , erotica you do online but close to real to do your desires. Online virtual place were you at least do like real get one those toys you do ling distance. Or find a domme women they can tame good. Online you still stay at home not have to meet anyone out the house also. But my friend went on second life well her husband stopped giving her love they had to work it out but he was cheating on the side but she allowed it they divorced later on it but they remained friends that was the best they could do but she free women she is in her 60s she happy feeling young. Can't fix everyone who willing to they have their own best to let go to set them free to let them grow find their path so you are free as well. But you have to say you love them but both need to split not hard no shame but if nothing working celebrate the parting in a good way.



Demi Lovato - Body Say
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTs6oQx1WJY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jca0B2lbqpU
Ciara - Love Sex Magic ft. Justin Timberlake
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raB8z_tXq7A
Prince x The Revolution - Darling Nikki
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkwWFIqLJd4
Prince & The New Power Generation - Gett Off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6f4BwQFF-Os
Prince & The New Power Generation - Cream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrbFQEcpJ3A
Prince - Scandalous
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGHcJ_-Hhps
Prince & The Revolution - Let's Go Crazy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXJhDltzYVQ
I Put A Spell On You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYPLm20AoXo&list=PLcDCEKFpbIvwD34zNMTRE0xEusyH1Cijd
Three Days Grace - Pain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud4HuAzHEUc
Belinda Carlisle - Mad About You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdtJWmR9zQ&list=RDMM&index=4
Christina Aguilera - I'm a Good Girl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDPR5EoYqOs&list=RDMM&index=2
George Michael - I Want Your Sex
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3AP26ywQsQ
George Michael (Wham!) - Freeek
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMhP0z80-fw
George Michael - Father Figure
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_9hfHvQSNo
Slave To Love - Bryan Ferry -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8CEj1arG0M
Indecent Proposal
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehdAEyAGBEc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCW9uF31jJI



Wedding Anniversary
https://xhamster2.com/videos/wedding-anniversary-9221523
https://xhamster2.com/videos/story-of-o-untold-plesaures-remix-9351256
https://xhamster2.com/videos/mature-swingers-13-xhqtaql
https://xhamster.com/videos/he-shares-his-wife-with-3-men-one-after-the-other-one-xhBMmmh
https://xhamster.com/videos/sekushilover-celebrity-hard-spanking-scenes-8643947
https://www.xvideos.com/video.hmummfmccb3/bdsm_amateur_visiting_fetish_club

Softnote​(masochist female) • Dec 11, 2024

The mood for you is this. Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt-tHcQR67Y

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2024

Have you asked why his answer is always no?

If you go into any advice thread here or anywhere else, you will see some indication of how important it is to have open and continuous communication. An integral part of communication is knowing when to put the sexy stuff on hold and work out the nuts and bolts.

Is he suffering from self esteem issues that limit what he is comfortable doing?
Is he interested in different things than you are?
Is he unwilling to put in the effort for things he doesn't see as directly benefiting himself?
Is he unaware of just how important these things are to you, because to this point you have not spoken up?

It is imperative to understand that, during the conversation, he is not the Dom and you are not the sub. You are equals and refusing you is not in keeping with any ongoing play you might have or your 'role' in the relationship.

Kelpi • Dec 11, 2024

I have been a Dom over 25 years now and I have seen this many times on both sides. I have seen two people who started out loving and needful of each other's needs and wants (me included). A few years later one or the other wants more or needs to have a more than what has become the norm. It is natural when you crave more than what you are getting. The problem is when you are with someone who is Ok with what they have and anything else is beyond their "comfort zone" you tend to do things that may cost something that you do not want.

My ex who I once adored and gave everything up to be with taught me that for some love is not enough. Being there for them no matter what is not enough and when it is not enough people will find what they want from someone else. I could have been OK with her cheating had she not come back and told me all about what they did or how good it was. All I ever ask was "you can have any woman you can get as long as I am the only man". Well I guess I was asking to much. Now I can say I still love her but only because she gave me two daughters.

I have seen a Dom who wanted something extra pass around his sub only to find later that she wanted to be passed around more and more. When he told her no she left him. Not the happy ending he wanted with her but one that changed him more than her. She found a Dom who passed her around like a cleaning rag. He found he no longer wanted that life ever again and moved on to a single life and two years later married a woman who kept him out of the lifestyle but loved him and only him. The last I saw her she was with a biker. Not sure if she found her happy ever after but she got what she wanted.

I have found that if your not happy then you need to talk to who you are with. If you can not find happiness with them then there is always an open door. Going behind their back is an option that works for a time but when found out the cost is worse that just leaving. Better to walk away than to stay and wonder if you will ever get caught. Once your caught the other person feels like they need revenge and that does alway end up good. My ex thinks she has several things she can use on me to make me look bad to our kids. problem is I can send her to prison for 10 to 20 years along with two of her ex-lovers.

If you find you are more in love with the idea of the lifestyle than your hysband then it is time to move on and make yourself happy. Keep bringing it up will not change his mind but cause him to wonder every move you make and slowly destroy any love you he has for you. You just need to choose what is more important to you him or your needs. It is all up to you.

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Dec 11, 2024

Is he suffering from self esteem issues that limit what he is comfortable doing?
It is imperative to understand that, during the conversation, he is not the Dom and you are not the sub.


The answer to these are yes, he has self esteem issues. He’s over weight, 8 years older than me. He’s not very confident.

I get that I’m not the sub in this but he’s very dominant even outside our quasi dynamic. If I were to ask him about it(which I have) he either changes the subject, ignores my attempt or talks a good game but it’s never followed by action.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2024

In my not so humble opinion, what you really have is a Top/bottom relationship and not a D/s one.

(yeah that statement is going to get a lot of flack, but I don't give a shit)

The problem lies in the fact that we, as a society, have been ingrained with the idea that love and sex is one concept. You can only love one person and only the person you have sex with is the one you love.

Which I believe is utter bullshit.

Love and sex are two different things. (I can talk about loving multiple people, but that is a whole different thread)

Sex should be much like any other exercise: Running, racketball, football, what have you.

As long as you take care to not catch or distribute any illness and that no one gets pregnant, who cares who you fuck.

It does not mean you love them or want to run away with them. You just want to get sweaty with them.

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 12, 2024

Could be he's not "into" kink, swinging and "all that good stuff" as either you or your husband thinks.

Only you can decide if needing the sexual adventure is "frivolous".

But one thing is sure... One cannot simply "shut it off like a light switch" by going to "vanilla" sites and somehow all the desires go away.. That shit won't work. I am NOT suggesting you run around behind his back to slake the need, I'm just saying that anyone who forces themselves to become that which they aren't--- always leads to frustration and then resentment.

Communication is beyond just "key", it's critical... with him and perhaps someone trained and versed in helping people who believe their need forsuch experiences is excessive and toxic to an otherwise happy relationship.

I have dealt with intense needs and desires most of my adult life and I am fortunate that I was also never inclined to get into any relationships, so what I write is not through personal experience, just the experiences of people around me IRL who deal with some form or other of "unmet needs"