Local kink events and their differences to online spaces

Local kink events and their differences to online spaces

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Apr 12, 2025

I recently went to a local munch for the first time (sizable, probably 60 or so people) in a major city and was a little surprised at the different.. approach to kink, compared to my interactions with people here and on a couple other online hubs. Myself and a few friends from the area (that I've recently met, but get on great with) that are similarly inclined all went to a femdom-hosted munch at a decent bar. Wasn't able to get a good table because one of my friends is a bit of a chronic late-show, but whatever. We find a standing table and settle in.

I'd checked the RSVP's beforehand on fetlife just to try and have a little bearing on what to expect, maybe see if there was someone in specific I wanted to talk to, bla bla. I don't feel like I'm exaggerating when I say that 90% of the RSVPs are polyamorous, so I was moreso going just to.. see if there were others in the same boat as me (I'm monogamous and fairly shy). It really didn't seem like there were, but that's fine, can't expect to make 60 friends in a single meetup.

However, and this is the point of the post, it was unavoidably obvious how much everyone there was invested in kink as a source of community. Very candid in conversation. I hadn't been expecting that. I think that thecage may have set my bar to what's surprisingly a pretty high level for what discussion of fetish is like amongst.. enthusiasts, in that online you're usually talking over text, and there's the option to be very eloquent and descriptive in the way you're talking about things you're into. I honestly found myself strangely off-put by talking brazenly about kink ("oh yeah I like bondage" but not really being able to.. expand on it, felt so wrong?), so perhaps there's just a more private part of me in relation to romance than I'd known about. I may just be a little more reserved, entirely possible it simply wasn't my environment. Regardless it was still a good time to go out with friends, but I'm honestly more comfortable on here than I was at the munch, so.. idk.

I don't mean to engagement bait but, have any of you ever had similar realizations moving from online spaces to public? It felt to me like a shift in how.. serious I enjoy taking kink to what seemed like a free-form game night or something. Completely different understanding.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 12, 2025

In regard to what you allude to, no, but in regard to people here, many being keyboard only, having no actual in-person experience, activity, skill or knowledge, that's pretty obvious, in contrast to those who attend in-person munches, events, workshops, who very much do.

I am not, by the way, knocking those who do stuff online, I do myself, but those who exist in both worlds, know how to, actually do stuff safely, and ethically, either from a bottom or top position, they will always stand out, over the fantasists who do kink, as an RPG, and come across as bodice ripping villains in a mills and boons book, where consent, negotiation, and bottoms always being able to put a halt/withdraw consent to things doesn't exist - it's very, often painfully obvious who has in-person, hands on, knowledge, and who hasn't, who approaches this as a vile-fantasy dominant/top knows best, controls everything from the get-go, always position.

That, to me, is the biggest difference between in-person spaces and online, a difference in ability, knowledge, and skill. I also suspect many driven out of in-person spaces, for being predators, dangerous wannabes end up online, where no one knows what they have done in the past, and they can lurk and hunt. I think it's also true that those who know they would be spotted immediately as being dangerous, in an in-person space, lurk online, because they know they can find newbies here, who don't know what's what. Those people have much less success in, in-person spaces, because members of the community will spot them and warn potential victims.

That's what came to my mind re the title of your OP.

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Apr 12, 2025

maybe a smaller group based Munch might be more your thing. A large crowd at public Bar might just not be your thing. i've found over the years different environments create different levels of conversation..some times "bigger" isn't always better.

Don't give up just yet. Maybe try a smaller based Munch and maybe it will create a more intimate and in depth conversation with meaning. In bars its hard to actually have a conversation. I tend to avoid the the alcohol events (they are sloshes for a reason) I'm by no means a non drinker but I do like smaller groups for actual conversation if that's how I'm feeling. The Slosh type events (to me) are more for meeting up with friends or being more a social butterfly..its a social thing.

Try a few, you'll find the right style one for you. Just like BDSM isn't a one size fits all, neither are Munches.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 12, 2025

It's all about exoerience. Online is good for opl that aren't ready for irl xp, hence why so many online are all talk

CottageGardenGal​(masochist female) • Apr 12, 2025

You don't have to go to a bar but you need a place that feels like home.
Crowds would do it for me and drinking should be set aside and smoking a time and place for everything but want people to be sober. I am allergic to smoke myself.
Party days are not for all of us, all for setting more like library and book club people. Sometimes crowds are alright all depends. Just want some with growth and good habits. Imvu for one virtual place, had a sign leave everything by the door, just respect people get along as get long or take a hike.

Doesn't all have to be online, it can happen in real life. You might just need to make a meet up yourself. But there are online communities that are like real in a virtual place that people do share the lifestyle but have set up like a meeting place like you go in real some people live in them middle of no where or just don' t have place to meet. What ever feels close to real to you, people that allow you to speak your mind.

You can rent a private room at restaurants with tea and cookies for 20 dollars when you want to make your own meet up if its only a few times a month you can even have a tab fee to help the cause you put together but make it only cheap cause so everyone can come. Find someone who can help you grow a friendship. Have some good rules but let people be themselves.
You can meet in a forest, a park that does have a lot of people, find a town a bit out of the city to do it. People have even rented out VFW halls and asked people to bring stuff or have classes have a small fee at the door. Camp ground , or even in your car if its just a few people just set the the bar to what you feel could even be a library.

You can even do at you house this lady use to have spiritual classes people would show up just pay a few dollars we all meet in the basement. I would check people as they came in but this lady had people she trusted. People should check in with you first check Ids to make sure Adults so on. This is going to sound odd but some churches even allow some things as long its safe in Wheaton, Illinois this roman catholic church would let people rent out the old pastor home let people use it for whatever any religion or anything weird but you just have to look around. Get with people in the universe spiritual with out some things they are kinky people you can find your place.

Only place close to real have meetup is second life you can voice their they have free meeting places. Also you use the chatroom on cage make a room you post here have a meeting if you want to just set a time help everyone meet up. Playing soothing music and people being silly with humor and great conversation keeps it going.
Find some couples or poly people they might even help they trying to find a place more people you connect with work together. Not everyone is poly you don't have to be in it, but everyone has something, but you must the distance to make a meetup.


I use to go few places in Chicago and meetup was near by and when I lived in Michigan. But over the years I've been online but it all depends what place you find. If the organizer sets up some good things why just read these people see what they have just show up see if you go ahead a time get a tour of the place. Sometimes travel is good to meet a place some people travel to these event things. Homesteaders and Rv people seem to be in the lifestyle as well. But as long as it's in a safe public place.

MasterDarcy​(dom male) • Apr 12, 2025

I'm inherently a misanthrope. So even the thought of attending a Munch or anything as "community" would make my blood run cold and be stuff of legit nightmares.

I've been here for about two weeks. Mostly everyone here has been respectful and civilised.

The main difference between online and real life is that the net gives people cyber courage. One shot of the cyber elixir and people swagger around like they're all powerful and all knowing Dominant of the Universe with a perma-scowl fixed to their face and a black duster billowing in the wind.

It is precious!

I happened upon one such person who sounded like they was inebriated on cyber elixir. They scolded me on what my definition of "starting a scene looks like." was.

Not a peep when I retorted, even though my PM is open. Shock, horror. A person online requires an audience to get brave.

It's that kind of holier-than-thou, judgemental so-called Dominant who is drunk on bravado who should be nowhere near any submissive, particularly newbies. They are dangerous to women.

It's the type who think that BDSM has an A-Z with zero scope for individuality and creativity. Definitely a red flag and a sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Would they be as forthright and disrespectful in a Munch or Mano o mano? No. Which is why one must take such scoldings with a pinch of salt, rather than a tbsp of Kashmiri.

So yeah. I'm way too private and misanthropic to tolerate a Munch.

I understand why people do attend the. Generally, people are pack animals and they tend to gravitate to people who share similar interests and values, etc. That type of congregation gives people a sense of belonging. It's what fills Churches and other places of worship.

Not for me.

Steellover​(sub male) • Apr 13, 2025

I've tried to find in-person events in my town, but things are pretty underground here and I haven't had much luck. There was a small group that was active a while ago (pre-2020) that I reached out to but it seemed to be mostly geared towards the dom male/sub female dynamic. As a submissive male, I wouldn't have fit in, and they seemed to be very closed knit and exclusive. Either way I don't even know if this group is even still active anymore.

I would be open to finding a small group of active kink-sters just to chat, share ideas, and meet up with, if such a group exists, but like some have mentioned, I would prefer it to be a small intimate group rather than a huge meet-up of sixty people at a restaurant. As of now, I value this online community because it is my only real outlet for expressing and sharing ideas.

CottageGardenGal​(masochist female) • Apr 13, 2025

Education use if allowed.

Cage magazine has many info and resources, bit of homework to look into.

Sometimes you have to be your own person, learning and training yourself. I use to go out to clubs in real life but they kinda got cliquey and they would not let people talk at round tables. Not every place is like this but you just have to find where you feel at home.

Hard for loner , black sheep , outcast its rare to find these things.

Example :
https://gyazo.com/d49c7aa23b780a5dccd8eec2445b2fb2

Wander places when know ones around.

Had to look under search on the viewer then events then dissensions but very few I seen use to be many. But in some places you kinda just have to meet up and just chat or come as self bring someone. Place called second life you will need to look in your computer search.
But still keep things on cage.



Just a free own free use education use.

Only few places but I had to look under search for

Sanctuary of the Butterfly,

The Bijin CMNF Club

SECRET LIFE LOUNGE

WBH Journey to Whole Brain Health

Tabitha Island

Pleasure Power Passion

[Deep Talk] Lounge

Lochme BDSM Castle

.:THE BLIND DATE:

Cuddles

SEDUCTIVE DREAMERZ

The Classy Tease

CFNM Palace

Tentatio

Bound & Determined

OUTCASTS

{ Everdream }

House of DeAnge

Omega D/s Library

House of V

Roissy Val d'Oise

Bondage City

BDSM LifeStyle,

A Place to Meet

The Vicious Underground

Caged Elegance

Randall's Ridge Outlander

Blacksilk Academy

KBar West D/

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 14, 2025

Navigating social situations with kinky people is the same as any other. Some crowds are for you and others are not. In my local meetups, there are no more than 30 people. I have had interesting or meaningful conversations 95% of the time. I can recall one time the evening was dominated with a sub talking about a kink retreat and the shenanigans that went on. It was interesting to gain insight into different perceptions of the kink lifestyle and the variety of people who are involved. I navigate accordingly.

Going to educational events allows me the opportunity to get to know people as persons rather than just their kinky side. I've been to a few munches and don't care for the hungry eyes - like there is an expectation of a hook up or something. I like the creative socials that are engaging and fun without "playtime".

Try a variety of events to meet a variety of people. That might be 3 or 10 for you but don't give up.

That which you seek is seeking you.