The first time for all...

The first time for all...

Bunnie • Feb 3, 2020

Something that occurred to me whilst talking to a Dom friend as he was waiting for a date to arrive for a first meet...

I know it’s often stressed how important it is for submissives to have a safety system in place for a first meet... be it a phone call or message or series of ongoing forms of contact with trusted people... however, it has never occurred to me if there are Dominants who do this too.

So I put it out here...

Dominants (any identifying gender)... do you have a system in place for first meets? If so, would you care to share what it is?
Do you think it’s necessary or not necessary, for the Dominant side of the equation? If so, why?

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2020

I would say that it is just as important for a Dom to have a check in system as a sub. A sub is just as capable of having nefarious intentions as a Dom.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 4, 2020

I have a safety call in place when I meet. My primary sub is my safety net. He knows my mannerisms and knows my tones I use when talking. He knows by my body language if I m stressed or uncomfortable, after 22 year together and 30 odd years as besties he should!. I tend to always met publicly first. If traveling else where fromt he orginal place, I never travel with the person. On arriving I'll check in with my sub and on leaving..then again to let him know I'm home. Its never a text, always calls. I'll even tell whom I'm with "excuse me I need to check in with my submissive, we have safety calls in place" ..most dont mind! if they do, I politely excuse myself and leave. I'm blonde not stupid.

Miki​(masochist female) • Feb 4, 2020

I would advise such precautions for both -- for the fist few meets. It's sad to have to say, but sprinkled among the many who have honest intentions, there are those occasional creeps who are patient enough to be on their best behavior through a first and even second, and if it looks promising third "get to know you" meet.

It's one of those things one might dub "Highly unlikely" but let's just say the odds of meeting that one sicko-- and it usually takes only one-- are better than one's odds of winning most Lottery games.

I speak mostly for myself of course, given the nature of what I like to do and love having done to me. When it comes to 'play time" I am more than a little vulnerable.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2020

Excellent topic for discussion. I’d list getting to know your prospective friend/partner/etc well before meeting them. Take your time. If you are meeting them in only a few days of your first correspondence, then neither you nor they are taking enough time to establish any level of trust. It’s not that they are or are not potentially psychotic - but how well do you know them. And if they aren’t taking the same level of precaution in meeting you . . . Is it potential that they have a past play partner who might be stalking them and decides you’re competition? But I digress.

So first, take a healthy amount of time and correspondence and actually ask personal questions above and beyond “Thwack” or “smack”. Get to know more about them and if you’re both in a community, maybe ask questions of anyone that may have or still associates with them.

Second, definitely meet in a fairly public place, well lit and with easy escape avenues. Coffee house or something. Maybe a book store. And let them know this is an initial meeting to determine attraction, chemistry, match-up - and not to maintain pre-conceived notions of immediate play. Establish expectations of the first meet . . . And be flexible to go from there. Either continue on or thank them and evacuate the premises in an orderly fashion.

Third, if you have any concern or doubt . . . Don’t go. But don’t be juvenile. Be polite enough to explain to the individual your concerns and end it maturely well in advance so they don’t show up.

Just my thoughts. Have an excellent day!
LL

DrWakko • Feb 4, 2020

When I meet someone for the first time I always meet in a public space. I always let a friend or two know my plans (aka brag I have a date) so at least someone is in the loop. I do not use safe calls for a few reasons. First, my first meetings are always public meetings, never in private. We might go from a munch or coffee shop to a play party, but all is public. Second, if I did set up a safe call it would be used to get me out of a meeting not because I didn't feel safe and I usually keep my work phone close by so I use work to get out of something.

To me safe calls are a great thing. I just don't use them. To me if anything was going to happen to me on a first meet it would happen walking back to the car not in the middle of a meet. Walking back to the car is way outside of a normal time for a safe call and honestly something like that could happen any time you are walking to a vehicle.

My keys to setting up a safe call:

1. Make sure the call time is random and don't mention the time or keep looking at your phone waiting for the call.
2. Come up with code words. Example: I need to do laundry = I'm having a bad time, get me out of here.
3. Send a picture or a copy of the persons ID to the safe call. Let the person know what you are doing so you don't come off as creepy.
4. Give the safe call person the details of the meeting. Store name and address.
5. Make sure you park and sit in a well lit area of the store.
6. It is not a bad idea to let your server or person behind the counter know you are on a first date. This way you will have someone in the store watching out for you. Most servers and wait staff are pretty good at picking up on body language and can be a good first responded if something goes sideways.

I'm sure I can come up with more and I know people will also list more ideas below.

DW

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 5, 2020

Great question Bun! I feel silly that I’ve never considered this before. As Misterasmodai said, it’s very possible that the “sub” could be the one with nefarious intentions. I’ve just always naively considered it a female bottom risk, but that’s the kind of thinking that gets people in dangerous positions; assuming they’re safe because the person they’re meeting is a sub or female.

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Feb 6, 2020

As a tiny tiny female who has met a shitload of Internet people offline, I feel like I should answer this question.

The tldr; answer: don't be a horny dumbass. Get to know someone extensively before meeting them. Don't let anyone pressure you into meeting before you're ready. Meet in a public place. Have safety calls. Don't let them drive you home.

I think that having a safety net is important regardless of whether you're male or female, dom, sub, or vanilla. Maybe you don't need one if you're a 400 lb body-building psychologist with a doctorate in behavioral cues and a high tolerance for horse tranquilizers. For everyone else? Probably a good idea. (BTW if you're that psychologist, hit me up, because you sound fascinating.)

That being said I've met well over fifty people from the Internet for everything from sex to dating to friends to work. I've even gone to a massive house party organized on a local forum where I'd never met a single soul. I took my take-no-shit sister with me, but it was still perhaps not the BEST plan. I've met local people. Flown to meet people on the other side of the country. Flown to meet people on the other side of the planet. I've met these people on Tinder or Whisper or dating apps yes, but also on forums or through video games. I say all of this because I have yet to meet up with a one single person who isn't EXACTLY who they said they were. In fact, I'm currently in bed beside one of them. Halp please! I've been kidnapped (actually it's just 4am jetlag and I can't sleep and he has porcupine hair.)

Sure, your safety net can be a code-worded phone call or a server that knows what's up. Your safety net can be spending an extended period of time in a very public place. While I think these are passable surface safety nets, I agree with @DrWakko that

I think a far better safety net is TAKING YOUR DAMNED TIME AND THOROUGHLY GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE. People are waaaay too into the tinder grindr instant hookup instant gratification culture, and it's not safe or sane.

I always get multiple photos of a person, have multiple video calls (ok, that wasn't an option in 1999), I have lengthy text-based chats, (of which I keep all logs so I can cross reference anything that seems fishy), scour the Internet (all of it, not just social media) for identity verification, and, most importantly, pay attention to my gut feelings. I also require said person to have been celibate for well over a year or get STD checks if sex is on the table; this is non-negotiable, but I get myself tested, too.

I've averted meeting with sketchy people through my "stalker" methods. People that initially seemed great, but, over time, became possessive, demanding, controlling, or just felt off. Getting to know someone before hooking up with them is a great way to, well, actually get to know someone. Get to know if they're the type to lie about getting an STD test or to poke holes in a condom or are just generally the type of person to whom you don't want to be introducing your genitals, or with whom you don't want to be parenting a child.

You can have all the safe calls and server surveillance you want, but they can only catch people who are obviously nefarious. It's the sociopaths you need to worry about, because they will seem wonderful in person. You can only see through their facade when you spend several months getting to know them through communication and research.

Also, there are instances when a safe-call just isn't feasible. "Hey mom! I just flew nine hours to Amsterdam, but this guy seems shady. Can you come get me?" doesn't work. You have to get to know someone to keep yourself safe. That, or program an panic button in your phone that auto-sends a data-dump of all your research on mystery person to local authorities and your friends/family OR carry just enough legal narcotics in a baggie in your bra/underwear to kill yourself should they try to sell you into the black-market sex-trade (I may or may not have done this the first time I flew to meet someone).

Frankly, this advice goes not just for sex or dating meetups, but also platonic friends or jobs. Your Internet friend Bob who is into cosplay and wants to hang out and make clothes with you might really be Alice who is actually into stabbing. Due to the nature of the work I used to be into, I frequently found online jobs, interviewed with smaller businesses for freelance work, and met with small startups for salaried work. I ran into a few jackasses who wanted to professionally take advantage of me. Yes, screwing with your job won't kill you or get you raped or kidnapped, but it's still something you might want to avoid.

Basically, my point of view is that if someone is worth my time in person, they're going to be able to understand that I don't jump into things on a whim, not just because I like to be safe, but because I want to really know if I want that person in my life. If the prospect of meeting someone makes me at all nervous, whether because they've been acting shifty or I just don't know them yet, it's not.


Meg's Tips for Offline Internet Meetings.
1) Get to know the person (business) first. No hookup, friend, or paycheck is worth compromising yourself.

2) Get a friend to drop you off and, more importantly, pick you up from your first meeting at a previously agreed upon time. If you're a loner, take a cab/uber. A creep isn't going to try to grab you or follow you home if there's a witness. If a friend/cab/uber isn't an option, drive yourself, and wait around in your car for ten minutes before you leave. Make sure you aren't followed home.

3) If you're going to use a safe call, make the time randomized preferably closer to the end of the meeting, and make it a person who is physically close to your meeting spot so they can be there if need be. Pick someone who isn't a ten-pound weakling, as physical intimidation can be handy.

4) ALWAYS meet in a very public place, like a mall food-court, a busy restaurant, etc. If you're going to meet at an event, verify that said event is actually happening first, so you don't show up, alone snd vulnerable, outside a deserted and locked concert hall. Sure a secret nightclub or beautiful hidden lookout spot in a park will be enticing, but getting stabbed isn't worth it.

5) If you're going to an event, party, concert, whatever, make it a group activity by bringing a friend. That way your friend can also be on the lookout for shifty behaviour.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 6, 2020

Somewhat related to this is the effect the "MeToo" phenomenon has presumably had on hook ups and budding relationships in the quasi-illicit world of kinky dating, where people do "violent" and "abusive" things to each other in a CONSENSUAL way--but when PROVING that consent, if a he-said-she-said altercation develops, may be virtually impossible. In other words, this is a reason that doms should beware.

Just to mention two items:

Just the other day, the Amber Heard / Johnny Depp "domestic violence" feud took a dramatic turn when a recording came to light in which Amber is heard (pun intended) threatening Johnny that if HE ever dared to accuse HER of violence against him, no judge would believe him because "I'm the pretty girl."

Also: Some months ago, Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO (that's Chief Operating Officer, for those of you in Rio Linda), and self-made lady-billionaire, observed that in some ways, the "MeToo" thing has totally backfired on women, because there have been enough treacherous ladies making exaggerated or downright false accusations against innocent men that the top echelon guys in the corporate world are in a lot of cases not giving mentoring or face-time to women on the way up the corporate ladder. They limit themselves to meeting with the ambitious young men instead, and the women get left behind.

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2020

@ Erick: the only people that will get the Rio Linda joke are those who live in Sacramento. People in Rio Linda won't get the joke because they can't get the hamster to run fast enough to power up the computer.