when your Dom wants to explore with someone new

when your Dom wants to explore with someone new

kare​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2020

Good day...

I am new to The Cage and somewhat new to the scene...i do not have anyone i can talk to about how i am feeling...

I have been in an arrangement with a Dom/bottom for just over 2 years...we have been playing once or twice a week...we do not have a 24/7 relationship...

When we first met i was not very familiar with the kink scene or bdsm....he introduced me to rope bondage and breast restriction...flogging...spankings etc...as i got more comfortable with my likes we continued to explore new kinks...

What i am confused about and struggling with is that he has been talking to someone new....someone very new to kink and bdsm....he wants to explore this new role with her while continuing our arrangement...

I feel like that somehow he is not getting what he needs from me anymore....he says he enjoys our play sessions ...they are very intense emotionally and physically...

I am wrong to feel hurt?...confused?....upset by this person he wants to play and explore with?...it is hard not to have feelings for him....

Thank you all for any sort of advice.

Kare

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 10, 2020

Feelings are never wrong. Everyone is permitted to feel whatever emotions find their way into their heart.

I personally have a very monogamous heart and this situation would also hurt me. But I wouldn’t ever ask someone not to follow their own desires and fulfill their own needs. So I’d either have to find a way to accept it or end our relationship.

One thing I will say though, is even though I personally couldn’t sustain a relationship in which my Sir has other sexual play partners, I would wholly believe him when he says he still enjoys playing with me and that our connection is emotional in addition to physical. You have no reason (I assume) to doubt his words. So while it may hurt you to share, please don’t doubt your own value or worth.

kare​(sub female) • Feb 10, 2020

Thank you AKittenforSir...it just all came out of the blue...he tells me all the time that i please him....thats why its so confusing...

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Feb 10, 2020

Being someone who comes from the other side of this spectrum (multiple partners who all have, or are at least encouraged to have multiple partners of their own), I see monogamy as something that, while perfectly acceptable and laudable as a life choice, puts a lot of pressure on people to not only strive to be everything to someone else, but also to accept and embrace the shortcomings that we all have. This can be overwhelming for some people, and it is one of many reasons that someone may decide to live an open lifestyle when it comes to relationships.
I am very wary of Doms who take on multiple partners and limit their subs, as this seems counterintuitive to me, but to each their own.
I have also seen more than enough subs touting their perfect Daddies and one in a million Doms, only to be in mourning a few short months later. It can be scary to see someone you value placing value on someone else, but it is important to realize that we all have different kinds of value and that it is entirely feasible to value two different people in equal but different ways.

Schatzi​(switch female){Yes} • Feb 10, 2020

Kare,

Things to consider are whether there exists an agreement regarding your feelings or his right to other submissives. It should be talked through as your feelings and state of mind should be of high importance to your Dom.

I am married to my Dom and have been for over 19 years but only a few years as his submissive. So the emotional attachment that exists is extremely strong as you can imagine. That being said, I enjoy Sir being with other submissives and partners. I am in attendance for sessions or encounters as seeing him pleased is pleasing for me. His interactions with others does not affect our relationship, my position or the Dynamics between us. So it is my suggestion that you talk to him about your feelings and concerns so he can direct the proper attention to them...he cannot address what he does not know.

Remember as a submissive, some basic main rules are simple and always...

Serve his/her needs
Obey his/her commands
Accept his or her dominance
Provide his or her pleasure
Bilateral Trust

Good Luck to you.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 10, 2020

kitten summed up nicely what I was going to say...but then I read the above and it got me wondering, because you said it came out the blue, did he say in a scene? If he did he would be playing mind games or testing limits. Or if in scene, it might be "the thought" of being with another excites him. A lot find the idea of poly sexy in fantasy but in reality.

Ask if you can sit down and have talk. If he did mean this, where has it come from? if it was meant, how does he see it working? separate from you? with you and the other in scene? is it that one of your limits is something he wishes try but not necessarily take another with collar? Does he perhaps need more of a 24/7 arrangement?
there are many steps in the middle to this situation, please don't rush into leaving because poly isn't you thing or think the worse! Take the time to talk it over and talk through the steps in between.

Like AkitteforSir said .....and I think you need to hear it again, before you make a rash decision...

One thing I will say though, is even though I personally couldn’t sustain a relationship in which my Sir has other sexual play partners, I would wholly believe him when he says he still enjoys playing with me and that our connection is emotional in addition to physical. You have no reason (I assume) to doubt his words. So while it may hurt you to share, please don’t doubt your own value or worth.

Bunnie • Feb 10, 2020

I’m wondering if this was spoken about at any time before now? It seems like perhaps it’s quite natural for him and he has had multiple subs before. Has this been mentioned or discussed in the past?
It sounds to me like you have found yourself in a situation with someone who is poly. There’s a lot of great information about this online.

If he hasn’t mentioned this before now, I find that irresponsible, considering how important communication is. But it’s difficult to make this “judgement” without knowing what your original agreement was. If it’s simply always been casual without you revealing that your feelings have shifted, then perhaps he didn’t feel it was necessary to discuss anything about her with you unless it impacts your days of play.

I’m thinking perhaps it’s time for you to share with him honestly about how you’re feeling... not only about the situation... but towards him.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 10, 2020

The good news, as I see it, is that he's being truthful with you about this other woman. So his honesty is an indication that he cares about you. Plus: He says that he cares--for what that's worth. And the fact that you two have been intimate for a long time speaks for itself.

But the terrible biological and social reality is that women tend to value monogamy more than men do. And therein lies the eternal tug of war between the sexes.

And in our modern, liberated world, every couple has to create the terms of their own arrangement. Which necessarily involves some degree of negotiation.

(He might even WANT you to tell him NO. Even though you're the sub. Stranger things have happened.)

Good luck.

Miki​(masochist female) • Feb 10, 2020

Also of note, you wrote that you are not in a 24/7 "relationship" just an "arrangement" once or twice a week. Could be he doesn't know that you want more than what seems to be a rather casual arrangement, based on my take from your post.
Chances are he is doing this because of the casual nature of the arrangement and not so much any faults or failings on your part.

Again I can only go by what was written so I might be barking up the wrong tree.

kare​(sub female) • Feb 10, 2020

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

As for how i was informed of this new person was in an email, not during a scene or when we talk. He lives 3 hours away and i only see him when he is in town working for the week. I understood our arrangement was never exclusive and we were free to see others, but this is the first time he has mentioned wanting to explore with someone else, seperate from me. It is hard not to have feelings for him, you give him your trust, your mind, your body over to please him. It all can be very intense physically and emotionally.