Is having a secret dom considered cheating?

Is having a secret dom considered cheating?

tonytonytony​(sub female) • May 26, 2020

I'm a young woman with an age of 21 years old. I am in a relationship with another woman who is three years older than me. (I'm bi) I love her but I feel like I can't show her my submissive side. I always appear strong when I'm with her and when it comes to our relationship, I act more as a top rather than a bottom. I can't let her know this especially since we live in the Philippines and this kind of thing is frowned upon in our country.

I decided to be on this site to find a secret top that can help me in letting out my need as a submissive. But now I feel really guilty about it.

Do you think this is considered cheating? Please tell me your thoughts. Much appreciated

House Talion​(dom male) • May 26, 2020

It's only cheating if your primary doesnt know and you dont have her consent

Bunnie • May 26, 2020

“Do you think this is considered cheating?”

Yes, I do.

The more important question though, is... do you?

Knightsundere​(sub male) • May 26, 2020

Yeah

NCarraway​(dom male) • May 26, 2020

Some people consider this 'cheating' and some do not. I think the word itself is not that useful.

There are a whole range of people on sites like this and they have a range of reasons for being here. I am not sure you should worry about peer pressure of what others might think. I think what is more important is for you to examine your own conscience and think hard about what your reasons are for wanting what you want. My own opinion is that it is never a bad thing to educate yourself about something you feel drawn to. For some people that education means needing to experience something. Everyone has their own path to walk and I always try and remember that I should not pass judgement on other people's lives. Some people decide not to do this sort of thing until they are single, others, for various reasons, decide to do it within a relationship.

A word of warning though. If you carry on with this type of life then you will experience a problem if you get into more substantial relationships. Kink and bdsm have honesty at their very core and you will need to come to terms with that if you get very far into this (either through accepting the dichotomy or by rationalising it within your mind).

You should also bear in mind that kink experiences, even if on-line can be very profound and, even if you don't want it to, it can change the way you relate to your current partner. I would suggest treading carefully and with an open mind. It may be a good idea to try all possibilities of talking this through with your partner.

Carraway

tonytonytony​(sub female) • May 26, 2020

To be honest, I don't know anymore. I'm afraid to tell her about this and I promised to myself that I won't ever meet anyone from this site and it would just truly be an online relationship. But now I feel more like a douchebag.

tonytonytony​(sub female) • May 26, 2020

I will try to open up this idea to her but to be quite honest, I feel like she would think that I'm lying to her once I did. We are in a pretty serious relationship and I told her that I'm a top even though that's not really the case. She's a very submissive woman and if she knew about this, she might break up with me and I can't afford that. I love her so much. But my submissive side calls to me. Every night, I dreamt of someone dominating me and it has gotten to a point where I daydream about it even at work.

It was driving me crazy. I'm sorry for babbling 😭

Bunnie • May 26, 2020

@ tonytonytony,

*everyone* will have an opinion... but ultimately it’s about what feels right for you, because it’s your life and you have to live it.
Sometimes what can help is to sit with each feeling and look for the “why’s.” Follow the breadcrumbs.

I can completely understand and relate to wanting to be told the answers... but if life has taught me anything... the answers to the big sucky questions have to come from within. It’s not about being a good or bad person, in my opinion... it’s about being true to and honouring ourselves and others... not in the sense of “truth and honesty” (which I am all for, but this is not the context I speak of in this sense)... but in the sense of being true to yourself and therefore to others as well.

I don’t like to interfere with people’s journey’s because we each need to learn what we need to learn, and we can only choose what we think is right.

Hence why I asked that question. It’s not about whether we consider it to be cheating... it’s whether or not you do... and how that defines where you go from there.

Bo Peep​(sub female) • May 26, 2020

I think regardless of how you feel about it, whether it would be considered cheating is how this would be viewed by your partner if or when it all came out.

Would she feel cheated and hurt? If the answer is yes and you want to risk it then go for it - but remember the possible fall out, and how the consequences of your actions may hurt others

Justme26 • May 26, 2020

I am not telling you what you should do but the simple answer to your question is a resounding YES. I can see that you are in a difficult situation, but life is full of difficult situations, and whatever you decide, there is all ways a price to pay.