High Pedestal and Expectations?

High Pedestal and Expectations?

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 17, 2020

Hello Fam!

As a woman who feels as though she's finally linked all of the puzzle pieces together and realized I'm meant to be in the D/s lifestyle, I have some concerns that I'm trying to solve by arming myself with education, but sometimes asking advice can be the most helpful.

I've always had groups of men following me around and shamelessly submitting for me in public as a way of winning my affections (before I even knew anything about this world), so there's no doubt that I'm comfortable in the Dominant role or that men naturally understand this. But, being brand new to this lifestyle, (and again, even before when I could see how excited men were in their desperation to win me over), I wonder... what are they expecting? I can't help but suffer from the insecurity that men have always put me on a super high pedestal.

Maybe just allowing them to be my sub is exciting for them, but my fear is that once people realize I'm a normal human, the magic and "fantasy" will be gone. I think this worry is exaggerated due to the fact that I'm a musician, and I've experienced it many times even through that. The whole "Star Struck" thing that eventually fades once they realize that I'm actually real.

I don't by ANY means pretend to be someone I'm not, and I'm not a super model or anything either... But sub men are drawn to me and the is the main thing that's holding me back. I stop men in their tracks because I think that I'm not actually what they want.

The question that I'm finally arriving at, is for Dommes, what is it that gives you confidence and keeps you from having imposter syndrome? I know experience will help with this, but as a newbie I'm curious if you have any other things that personally worked for you to sorta get the initial ball rolling. So that not only do the subs think you're worthy of being someone's owner or Mistress, but you believe it yourself. I'd also ask any subs what it is that makes them so attracted to and to stay with a Domme?

Thank you to anyone who made it through this book lol

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Aug 17, 2020

I love your question because it is something I have been wondering about from the *other* perspective (with reversed genders). As a sub who has never had a Dom, I keep wondering if things actually can be as exciting in reality as they are in my fantasies, precisely because the men in my fantasies aren't real humans; they just exist in order to fulfill my needs, so to speak. – And then, of course, I also worry, the other way around, whether *I* can live up to someone's expectations as a (sexy) sub, given that I am also just a normal human being.

So I guess I'm just voicing that I like your question, haha. (Turning on notifications for this thread.)

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 17, 2020

Thanks for the support! I didn’t make a very confident sounding post but I had to ask! So nice to hear you relate ☺️

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 17, 2020

Beware The Pedestal.

Very easy to fall off (or be knocked off by "The Next Best Thing")

King on the Mountain: a kid's game well suited to kids of all ages.

MissMelisandre​(dom female) • Aug 17, 2020

What a great question! The risk of pedestals is real as is the fact that with time it can seem almost inevitable that a sub will end up not seeing you as perfect as he first did. I find it similar to that falling in love feeling that happens at the beginning of all romantic relationships where you feel the butterflies in the stomach and the crush takes priority over everything else in life. It is scientifically proven that that feeling always fades eventually. I think on average it takes about 2 years. But I have found that certain approaches can help extend the crush period for much longer. I find cock teasing and orgasm denial to be especially effective as it leaves the sub always wanting more and feeling like he just can't quite reach that ultimate prize which drives male psychology in such a delightful way!

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 17, 2020

Thanks for the advice Miss Melisandre! That seems like a good place to start.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Aug 17, 2020

Can't speak to staying with a domme because I haven't had one yet, but the appeal for me personally is a reversal of gender roles that I feel are historically extremely unfair to feminine men. I'm fairly certain I had an interest in a traditional relationship where I was more of the homemaker before I even considered being into an d/s type of arrangement.
I think the unfortunate element of having kink relationships so separated from "normalcy" that an entire forum is needed to discuss them openly lends itself to sex-chasers to begin with, because you're entering a section of society that's guaranteed to place a high priority on the sexual aspect of things. So you get a lot more people who are only THERE for the sexual aspect. If kink wasn't as taboo as it is (or was), it'd be much easier to find people who were looking for a sturdy relationship, and then were interested in expanding their fetishes or satisfying existing ones.

What I'm saying is that a lot of the people who are interested in dommes are, unfortunately, viewing it as a sexual experience because it's so erroneously separate from relationships, and a lot of dominants do play into that. I try to find people on Tinder who look like they could be into being the big spoon and then crossing my fingers but it's a needle in the haystack situation. The people who are interested in dommes as a more nuanced, in-addition-to-normal-relationship-behavior kinda deal are gonna have a myriad of reasons that I can't really represent.

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 17, 2020

Thank you for your perspective Knightsundere! Yes I think you're right. If the fantasy or attraction is ONLY about sex, it's part of the problem. I still think that I'd like to be prepared to meet expectations if it WERE to be a short encounter, but I'd be more of a relationship person and I agree that it shouldn't be considered so far from normal to want a flr.

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 20, 2020

I also think it goes deeper than the sex part now I am not disrespecting those who only want domination in the bedroom . I feel that it goes much deeper than that for those of us looking to get into the lifestyle on a more formal level

emeX​(sub male) • Aug 25, 2020

i'm attracted to any number of things i might see or know about a Domme. It varies. Sometimes it's having things in common. Sometimes it's the things She says and how She says them. Most of the time it's Her attitude/personality. Physical attraction might be the first sense that sparks attention...But believe me when i say this...it's the least important thing to me. i'm not going to lie and say physical attraction is absolutely not important at all...sure it matters, but on the bottom of the list it stays. And not by design. i just naturally don't value it as much as other traits.

Just recently i was contacted by a very attractive, local Domme...She passed all the credentials/references, so i knew She wasn't fake or after my finances. But after going through Her very extensive profile, i just didn't think we were a match. Even still, i was respectful, gave it a shot by actually speaking to Her for a while...But in the end, my senses where correct, i respectfully passed and wished Her luck.

Under promise over deliver. Dommes and s-types both can avoid putting themselves 'on such a pedestal' were the expectations are so fucking high, so grandiose, that you can never live up to them. You see a lot of Domme profiles with wording (and i'm exaggerating here but) 'oh i'm so perfect, everyone should bow down and worship me this and that'. i'm like ok? but why again? A why should you have to say that. If you're worthy, we will know it. Or s-types who say things like 'i have no limits, lock me away naked in a cage and feed me cheese'. It's all just set up for failure.

Which is why i think it is important for both Dommes and s-types to be honest with each other. There needs to be more transparency, more reality. Because BDSM can get you caught up in the fantasy so easily. Have an honest profile setup. Or when you meet, be yourself. Not just something based on who you want to be or what you might think would attract the most people. my profile for example, i list more flaws about myself, more things that someone might see as negative, than i do positive. i mean there's pretty good balance of good and bad, but like, i'm not afraid to be transparent. And that is what i look for in a Domme.