An over-eager, desperate and now forlorn new sub

An over-eager, desperate and now forlorn new sub

outsideleft​(other male) • Jan 10, 2018

Hello,

While the text suggests it is directed to other submissive's, I would love to hear from Dommes' also, if they've experienced a similar dynamic with a submissive.



I was given an opportunity to show my worth as a sub recently - I very quickly became submersed within a demanding web of wanting, desperately, to please the Domme who had so generously given me this opportunity.

Without realsing it, I had become insistant and demanding upon Her time - this was evident in multiple texts - many were clarifying texts - but most came from texts I’d initiated - the texts related to my being a brand new sub, seeking guidance on what was wanted, how I was expected to behave in Her company and also on activities.

I took it upon myself to identify activities the Domme may enjoy - this led to a multiplying of the texts.


Eventually, i was texting remorselessly - causing the Domme to feel oppressed by my attempts to please Her and I am now pushed away.


I am grief-stricken, that my own actions have caused this outcome. I know I am generous, considerate, compassionate, well-meaning, available, eager to learn and be shaped as desired - in spite of all of these traits, still I became oppressive.

I see now that my actions were selfish, for me to be valued by the Domme, but I had become so immersed in wanting to be wanted that I got lost in the wanting and am now, unwanted.


I’m wondering if other sub’s have:


Fallen into a sub-frenzy without realising it and what they do now to recognise being so ?

Felt desperate to please a Domme and ended up doing otherwise and what you learnt in order to not fall prey to the same dynamic again ?

Discovered well-working methods to be felt as patient, by a Domme, while all your bells and whistles are blazing away, driving you to make contact ?


Thanks

outsideleft

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jan 11, 2018

In my opinion, that's a much more general dynamic than anything related to BDSM or Domme/sub interaction.

As you've stated, you're new, curious and eager. A lot of questions in natural and good for where you're at right now, and unless you had negotiated and agreed to ground rules about communication with your Domme, there's no fault in your actions there. Your desire to learn and ask a lot of questions, as well as your driving need to please were obviously not compatible with your former Domme's style of communication and D/s. No fault on either side there from a relationship point of view.

If you do want to drill down into the BDSM dynamic, I can say the following; It is not uncommon for a Dom/me to work on developing patience and proper deference in a sub. Certain subsets of BDSM such as Gor, Old Guard, Lifestyle and 24/7 master slave relationships have very specific rules and traditions about proper etiquette and behavior for slaves/kajira/submissives. Not speaking until acknowledged or spoken to, and waiting silently at patiently for your Dominant's commands are common themes. I don't think jumping right into any of those areas is best for a brand new submissive, but others will think differently.

As for overall advice, I'd say 'think carefully before you text' is probably the most helpful thing I can say. You want to please and show respect for the person you're communicating with. Thinking about that before you compose each text then reading it over carefully again before you hit send might be a useful exercise for you.

Al Le Gory​(sadist female) • Jan 11, 2018

This exactly what I experienced with a sub last year.

Desperation is repellant. You bombarded her incessantly and made it all about you. She was overwhelmed and lost interest. This is a great opportunity to learn from.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone that keeps interrupting, talking over you and not letting you speak? It's not a conversation, it's someone monologuing, talking at you, not to you. It's rude, annoying and shows a lack of social skills. Half of the art of conversation is listening to the other person. If you're the one doing all the talking, you're not listening. There's no two-way dialogue.

Whilst such enthusiasm is great, it can come across with a very negative intent, e.g., disrespectful, impatient, arrogant, narcissistic, lacking in empathy, etc. Hardly a good basis for any type of relationship dynamic.

I'll give you an analogy: music is made up of notes (let's keep it simple). An often overlooked but fundamentally vital part of music is SILENCE - the gaps between the notes that give music structure and the notes room to breathe. In other words, what you say is important and what you don't say is equally important.

If you start blurting out all your fantasies in a torrent of verbal diarrhoea online it may be cathartic for you to release all this internalised stuff, however, I can assure you, it's not cathartic to be on the receiving end. It's hard work trying to keep up, it becomes tedious, self-indulgent, high-maintenance bullshit. Is this the way to make your fantasies a reality and please your mistress? No.

Work on your social skills, especially listening and relating to the other people. Learn when to speak and when not to. Ground yourself in reality. Enjoy the silence. Try and be more tentative in your approach and hold back. If you give it all away too soon, you've spent what was precious to you needlessly. Exercise restraint.

You clearly need restraining, being gagged and given a good thrashing...there's a lot of effort involved before you get to that point.

Know thyself,
All things in moderation.

The Delphic Oracle

You have the necessary tools at your disposal. Learn to use them wisely.

Bellona​(dom female) • Jan 11, 2018

What you are experiencing is quite common. I have been on the other end of the "sub-frenzy" on multiple occasions and it almost never ends well.

I will offer encouragement in that it seems you have recognized and are learning from your mistake which leaves you more prepared for your next prospective Domme.

While I can only speak for myself, and not what others might want, I suggest you spend more time listening and being receptive to the approach of your Domme. Everyone has a different style, and you won't even know if you are a good fit for eachother if you get too caught up in the excitement of a potential relationship.

TakenLower • Jan 11, 2018

I have been in this same situation as a submissive and as a Domme. Starting off you and your D are always going to be talking more frequently. This will likely drop off, and that can feel like abandonment for some subs. Then you think you have done something, not done something, or have been replaced and you get that desperate feeling. It sucks. Sometimes this is an intentional move by the D. Sometimes they want to see you jump through some hoops. So what do you do? How do you know?

I suggest setting up an early on protocol (although it can be added late in the relationship as a way to fix a problem). You can limit yourself to a good morning text (NOT 1500 words!), an update around lunch, and a good night text. Always standard on both ends. Otherwise, no texting unless your Dominant engages with you first or instructs you specifically.

So now you’ll have that “omg what if they think I forgot them” feeling. Write an email to be sent every few days. Chances are you’ll go back and edit it and take 80% out because you realize it’s mostly just rambling. Some Dominants like for you to keep a journal that they can check in on at their pace.

As a submissive it’s not your job to get or give attention. You are given attention and should be appreciative of the time and effort that you’re given. You give attention as instructed/trained to do. Easy words to say, hard to live by.

MsNevermore​(other female) • Jan 11, 2018

To reiterate what others have stated. It a common growing pain when first coming in. Sort of a child going into a toy store and becoming overwhelmed with all the isles of different toys. Finally picking one and wanting it to immediately be everything it was imagined to be.
For the record, its also seen in Dominates as well.
You are in a good place if you are realizing what your part played in the situation and seem open to improving or bettering the behavior in the future. Some never do.
Take time to breath, regroup and assess where you are and what you need going forward and be ready to communicate that clearly to the next dynamic you enter.

outsideleft​(other male) • Jan 11, 2018

Oh,

Thank you all so very much - what has been said here, reinforces most of what the Domme stated to me when we spoke last - patience, listening, talking less, being available within Her requirements, communicating with Her interests in mind when instructed not when I have a feeling.

I've heard these messages, too, from my friends, bdsm and vanilla.

Hearing the same points from you all now, a third, independent source, with my scolded spirit now less painful, it feels like the message is sinking a little deeper.


I am journalling this information, doing mind-maps and if-then sequences, imagining how I would behave differently, to be seen to be as you all suggest and am continuing my reflections with my face-to-face friends.


These are dynamic details that have damaged potential relations for me for a long time - so while I feel very sad that I am yet to overcome them and that they have caused damage once again - having come into bdsm, with the intent of submitting to another has me in a different location than I've ever been before and I believe that this, new location's perspective, is allowing me an opportunity, a motivation, for change that I've not had before.


Haahaa, I wish I had been 'gagged and thrashed', but in a Training text, recommended by that Domme, it had said I should inform my Domme of potential punishments that would really hurt, not actions that I may enjoy - I informed Her that being denied opportunities to serve Her would be the most, the very most, painful - perhaps offering the best learning outcome.

Likely, I will need a Domme who will be, reasonably, patient with me - but perhaps this will not occur, as our local scene is full of eager, much younger, better looking, and available male submissives.

Even so, if I am not fortunate, to be offered an opportunity to serve a Domme again - actions based on the principles you have all mentioned will contribute to my being a better person overall, not merely in a D/s relationship and all of our communities can do with people who behave more considerately toward others.

Thank you all very much, I feel affirmed, reinforced, chastened and supported by your responses.


outsideleft

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jan 11, 2018

Speaking of affirmation, consider this one, outsideleft.

"I am aware of my mistakes. I can learn from them and reflect on them going forward. My mind, not my age or looks, will distinguish me from younger, better looking, and available submissives."

Re: An over-eager, desperate and now forlorn new sub

SanE​(sub male) • Jan 11, 2018

Sigh...I feel you, outsideleft. When I started working out what D/s was all about, my mind was full of fantasy and desire. I wanted, *needed* to submit. Being the kind of person that I am, I decided to start a journal as a way to tame and understand that desire. At first, I usually wrote a couple of pages, let them sit for a week or two and then read it out loud to myself when the need wasn't as strong. And let me tell you, it felt as if a different person wrote that. Thanks to those writing sessions I was able to learn how to channel my submission in a positive and productive way. I don't know if we have the same disposition, but consider writing your feelings when you feel in that desperate state.

What worked for me was learning to channel that desperation into something productive. Make it less about kink, take that desperation as an opportunity to find ways to improve yourself. Having an emotional support system outside of your D/s relationship helps a lot. Hobbies work too.

If you want to be perceived as patient, you have to be patient. There is no way around that, in my opinion. If you are able and it's within your means consider taking long walks. They are a great way to calm the mind when it's working full gear.

Al Le Gory​(sadist female) • Jan 11, 2018

There you go. Be careful of what you may ask for, for you may receive it...rarely in the manner that you envisaged.

I think it's great that you're taking all of this constructive criticism and advice on board. I also think it was a brave thing to do - to share your dilemma on the forum. Well done on taking that step.

"Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step".

Lao Tzu