Moody Dom (or sub)

Monochrome • Mar 25, 2019

‘I never know if I’m doing anything right.’

You got me there, I’d leave. That’s not how a dynamic should feel. Where’s the connection if you don’t know if you’re getting things right? Who leaves their submissive feeling that way. I don’t know your history or the longevity of the dynamic but I’d be off...

rosethorn​(sub female) • Mar 25, 2019

You are important and part of this style is being honest and open, is communication becoming difficult ? Also sounds like after care might help xx

rosethorn​(sub female) • Mar 25, 2019

You should never be an after thought many arseholes and manipulative shits hide behind the title of dom, we are underground community and that unfortunately is a side effect. Keep talking to people.

strawberryfield • Mar 26, 2019

Thank you very sincerely, everyone, lots to think about.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 26, 2019

A lot of good and sensible advice here. Frankly, I almost past on by without a whisper to let anyone know I'd been here.

However, one thing I haven't seen mentioned that may (or may not) be worth thinking about is Emotional Sadism. And how often such predators can slip around wearing the mask of a Dominant.

I'm not saying that is going to be the case for every moody D-type. After all, we are people, too. And despite the most basic requirement that a good Dom(me) must first control themselves before they can control anyone else, sometimes our control does slip. I'm not proud of it, but I have more than once slipped the leash on my own neck when one submissive or another over the years has surprised me. And I may flatter myself, but I think I'm better than most at maintaining an iron will, self-discipline first, and exhibiting only controlled and metered responses. And the less practiced a D-type is, the less perfect their own control over themselves is going to be.

Too, even the post perfectly composed D-type is going to occasionally slip. Despite what the books say, we are not gods.

Emotional Sadism, though... This can be tricky to spot. In it's roots, it is a manipulation of sorts. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, in and of itself. There is a right way to practice it. And, again I may flatter myself, but I think I've proven particularly adroit when she, whichever she we might be discussing (and a few platonic he's as well), might have needed that catharsis.

But, it can also be used... Well, as a method of keeping a submissive under control. I, personally, have some issues with this and have allowed more than one to go her own way rather than using it.

Something to watch for is if the "moodiness" occurs typically at a juncture when the dynamic seems threatened. Maybe the submissive has had a limit tripped or for some other reason has defied his control. Maybe there is an upcoming separation and the supposed D-type wants an additional anchor, wants to make sure that the submissive is even happier to see their return than they would have been.

In it's simplest form, this is basically causing an emotional wound so that they can then be the salve that soothes it. The goal is to manipulate to submissive into craving that salve in a firmer, more controlled, and surer fashion. To manipulate the trust building timeline.

Again, I'm not saying that is the case in what you describe. D-types are people, too. And do have emotions that they can lose control of.

But, if it happens on a consistent enough basis that you are uncomfortable, your instincts may be trying to warn you.

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Mar 27, 2019

Have you tried having a journal that he can read? Express yourself in the journal, respectfully, and see what he says.
Writing has always been a refuge for me.

I had a "Dom" before that nothing was good enough for him.
Turns out he wasn't a Dom, just a narcissistic abusive asshole who cared for no one else.
I pray this is not the case for you, Miss Strawberryfield.

You are special, you are important, you are worth it!!

Best of luck!!

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Mar 31, 2019

I don't mean to judge him, as it's not fair with only one side of the story, but it sounds like he's a poor partner. If he's unwilling to hear out your (very legitimate) concerns for your relationship, then these problems simply can't be fixed.

ZoomOut • Apr 7, 2019

No good advice here, but felt moved to say something. I’ve been struggling with something very similar and could have written exactly what you did about the disappearance when you try to communicate or turning things around on you. It really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope things work out for you, one way or another.

Freya369 • Apr 8, 2019

You will find you are smiling more...when you are no longer with him.

Bella duPuy​(sub female){Not lookin} • Apr 20, 2019

This goes for the D/s dynamic and vanillaLand: He's a manipulator and not right for you.

You need to leave. If he disappears and/or turns it around on you - he has no intention of accepting the responsibility of Being a Dominant and AAAAALLLL that role requires of him.

You are of far more value to yourself than you are to him. Love yourself enough to leave, then you'll smile again.

Be well.