A question about effort

Amyh​(sub female) • Jul 13, 2019

I have run into this same problem over and over.... I have a fantastic conversation, maybe we talk for a few days, then nothing. Days pass, no communication. Then suddenly, they are back, sometimes with a very reasonable explanation of their absence. To me, it's a courtesy, if I'm going to be out of touch for a while, I just say, "BTW, you might not hear from me for a while, I'll be back on..." or just put in a little effort, "good morning, how was your day, have a great night", none of these things take long, but they all really show a person that you are thinking about them through the day. This "ghosting" thing needs to end!

Little moon​(sub female){Not lookin} • Jul 13, 2019

Just WOW and mind blown and a little swept away right now, first of all is SORRY for all the shitty experiences and people who have made you feel this way but it seems to be an epidemic of note.

It's becoming a dying breed, I cannot express enough how important it is yet seems to be the thing hardest to get these days, honestly and communication.

I just had the roughest year of my life, it was the happiest time that ended in the worst way Because he just couldn't keep it real. Between ghosting, disappearing with every excuse under the sun etc. It nearly wrecked me, so I wrecked it a walked away. There is NEVER an excuse or validation for that, how hard is it to say you're only down to fuck, not good at communication etc?

There are so many wonderful minds I've encountered here, I think alot of it has to do with people finding emotional hang ups or blocks and not having the energy or support needed to tackle them or delve deeper. Others just seem to want vapid quick fixes, in this day and age of instant gratification they tend to think there's always another option, another fix, they forget they're dealing with real life people on the other side.

All I can say is huge hug and I personally am always open to 100% honestly, openness and communication.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Jul 14, 2019

Quite some time ago... well, fuck... 17 months?

Any road, I met a gal. She was... not honest with me. About anything. But, she was good enough at "compartmentalizing" that I didn't know this until six months later when suddenly she revealed that she was not only much happier in her "marriage" than she'd let on, but that she belonged to a Master in addition to her husband and me. (She never has admitted to just how many others she was playing with under her alternate personaes that I found out about through friends.)

***shrug***

I tried. I did try to keep that relationship going. And was mostly successful until she stripped away every single thing that had meant anything to me in that relationship. We have not shared anything sexual, not even talking about it, since October. I haven't seen a picture of her since November or heard her voice since February.

The thing is... she was communicating with me a LOT at first. Text messages mostly, but some phone calls. Some calls that lasted the entire night.

And then it died down over time. I can't say she has ghosted me as she is still around. Somewhat. But, from exchanging messages from 30 per day on the low end up to 300 per day on the high end, we are down to one or two every four or five days.

It wasn't until she didn't so much as wish me a Happy Birthday that I really started going back to look, and she'd not ONCE been there for me when I needed her that she didn't need something from me.

The thing is... in addition to her, along the way (once she'd let me know I wasn't ever going to be the only one) I played with... uh... six others. (I think... [counting on fingers] Yeah, six others.) And all of them knew about her. Not who she was, but that she existed. She knew about none of the others. Because she didn't want to. She MAY have been afraid I was going to put her back against the wall about her others, not realizing I was trying to inform her of my others, when she changed the subject or "had to go." But, the result was that she didn't let me inform her.

However, with the exception of two, each of the others had something they were ALSO holding back from me. And each of them, once we began spending more time together... Well, other things may also have occurred. But, I can't help but think that at least part of it (for all of them!) was that we were getting closer to the secrets behind their outright lies, and half truths, and manipulations.

The thing is... I don't know how to be anything other than myself. Not really. I mean... I can write fictional stories, sure. But, if I am talking with someone, I learned long ago that eventually my own personality is going to out. And even if the relationship doesn't last long enough for that to happen, then it won't really be ME that they like (or even love). So, what would be the point of that?

Anyway, I'm about a liter of sangria in. So, my apologies if that didn't make sense. My point is that I know what you mean. It's just startling how many people fly a false personae (even so-called "submissives"), just looking for a quick fix to get their rocks off and then go back to their lives. Fortunately, I have found one that is mine. And is willing to put up with my questioning and prodding as I serve out the sentence wreaked on me by those that played me false. Mostly "her." But, some others also.

I just hope that you, too, might be able one day to find one who will play you true.

PandoraUK​(switch female) • Jul 14, 2019

Unfortunately, I’ve been experiencing the same since trying to come back to the scene after over 10 years away. Things were simpler then and for the most part, people were more aware that we are all real human beings with real feelings. It all seems a joke now, especially to those new who actually need mentoring from those they are alienating.

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Jul 16, 2019

While I agree with most of what was said here I did want to take a second to acknowledge the fact that technology allows us the ability to keep in communication constantly. Something that I very much am grateful for as my kitten and I talk pretty much all day every day even though we live several hundred miles apart. While we want effort in the courting / relationship process I think patience is also important. There's a lot of ghosting and rude / selfish people no doubt but every once in a while you run in to someone that thinks because you have the technology that supports 24/7 constant communication that you are required to respond immediately or on their timeline.

Way back in the day we'd be writing letters and waiting weeks for response but now we are upset if somebody doesn't respond in a few hours. I can only speak to the courting process for kitten and I because at this point if either one of us doesn't respond in a few hours (generously) the other will be flustered (we are happy that way though), but in the beginning we were just getting to know each other. We both work busy / high ranking jobs that requires quite a bit of attention. Before I had found my kitten I had run into people that wanted text responses instantly or all day long, I just don't have the ability to do that. I have a job, a life, a farm, it's not that I didn't want to chat, it's that I didn't have the ability to chat all day long.

With all of that said I did make time every second I could to talk to her, but she was the exception. I think we need both effort and patience as we work to connect

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Jul 16, 2019

@JohnBond

You also were and still are my only exception. Which does go to show though that it’s really just a matter of priorities. As busy as we both are we still maintain very regular (if not constant) communication. If we’re being blunt, everyone else is clearly just not as important to us. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about them or want to chat, but whatever else we have on our plates takes precedence over replying to their text.

So I think that is really why so many get upset about the “lack of effort” from the other person; they feel like they prioritize the other person higher than the other person prioritizes them.

Diina​(sub female){*Taken*} • Jul 16, 2019

This is so very true!

Freya369 • Jul 16, 2019

Yep....you all are right on....what to do...what to do!

Sadistdaddy89​(dom male) • Oct 15, 2019

Ghosting happens way too much

I had the unfortunate thing of my daughter deciding my phone needed to go in the bath, all I could think of was how I've let my sub down it was horrible to think she thought she was being ghosted at the time.

Communication is such a big thing some people just don't understand

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Oct 15, 2019

As far as I can tell, this is a form of confirmation bias. Nothing's changed. Jerks that exhibit this jerkish behavior have always been around. It's just that now it's easier to find them.