zash
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
MissBonnie wrote: fantasy is hot, reality is not!
its very common online in the early stages without sight, the brain (the largest sex organ) is free to fill in the blanks with what ever rocks your world. Your mind can create the perfect stage. Where all the right perfect things happen at all the right perfect times. if you not attracted to him, its not going to work. Eventually you need sight. You cant blind yourself for ever. Politely decline and move on. Its no use lying to yourself or ..HIM Thanks đ |
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Online now
| The Captain(dom male) |
4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
Really interesting post, and something that I was thinking on a couple of days ago. I have been in this situation a few times if I am honest.
On observation, I have seen that this reaction seems to come about because I dress and speak differently to my peers, so as you have alluded to, it takes them out of the headspace on meeting. Especially for someone who was new to BDSM and had their fixed perception as to what a dom should look like. However, I have never gotten upset by this. (Maybe a slight twinge when I was young at something promising lost!) But as I matured the amusing part for me is that often those ladies gravitated back to me after similar adventures formed from meet ups very similar to how @Misterasmodai described. If you are still in the writing stage of the exchange you could do worse than give him a chance, and see what his voice sounds like! 
Good Luck Cap |
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Misterasmodai(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
In regards to the eyes, there is something to consider.
When my photo is being taken (or even worse if I am taking a photo of myself), I have a lot of difficulty focusing for some reason. Whatever causes this does not affect me in real life, and my stern gaze is often commented on. If you are solely interested in online photo exchange as the visual element of your dynamic, this is obviously still a problem, but if you plan on eventually meeting in person, consider that he might just have trouble focusing on the camera. I look either cross eyed or stoned in ninety-nine out of a hundred photos. |
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Give you Some Rope(dom male){not lookin}
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
Regarding your words:
The thing is that , I have no problem with the way he looks , the problem is that I donât feel the pull ... For me the eyes is the soul and as you said there is a lot of information in the face ... Normally if I donât feel comfortable with someone eyes I just canât like this person ... there are eyes and eyes ... ( mostly of the times I am right re trustworthy people and them eyes .) His eyes are ok , but not pulling my attention nor giving me buzzing ... I donât know but I always had in my mind that a Dom would make me Submit just with his eyes and the way he look at me . - - - I think you are on the right track but probably a little off in your expectations For me there is âthe lookâ I see in a switch or a sub that tells me they are feeling submissive / bottomy towards me. Itâs not the Same look, and itâs often in the body language as well as the eyes But âthe lookâ is not a doe eyed man that takes over their face, the posture is not a gorean slave pose, and it often comes as a flash here and there. Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) includes the study of body language and more importantly the INTERACTIVE communication between body poses. The body language is about certain poses but it is about The dance of two people as their poses match and diverge. The same with âthe lookâ A static photo wonât tell you how the energy dances between you. Even if the Dom is having Dom feels towards you as they snap a photo, the photo might catch the âtrying to focusâ micro expression, or the âthatâs it, thatâs the lookâ micro expression, rather than the âDomâ micro expression you desire MY ADVICE: You canât judge by a still photo. Talk on video chat and see what happens. |
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zash
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
The Captain wrote: Really interesting post, and something that I was thinking on a couple of days ago. I have been in this situation a few times if I am honest.
On observation, I have seen that this reaction seems to come about because I dress and speak differently to my peers, so as you have alluded to, it takes them out of the headspace on meeting. Especially for someone who was new to BDSM and had their fixed perception as to what a dom should look like. However, I have never gotten upset by this. (Maybe a slight twinge when I was young at something promising lost!) But as I matured the amusing part for me is that often those ladies gravitated back to me after similar adventures formed from meet ups very similar to how @Misterasmodai described. If you are still in the writing stage of the exchange you could do worse than give him a chance, and see what his voice sounds like!
Good Luck Cap Thank you for your comment
Is not a bad idea to hear the voice ... Thanks đ |
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NCarraway(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
Hi zash,
Let me just understand ... what is the issue for you here? 1. You aren't physically attracted to the person who you are mentally attracted (submissively) to and you want to be? 2. You find it interesting that the dominance 'switched off' when you saw what he looked like? 3. You are worried that you might have a physical block going forward with many men not having a 'dominant' look? 4. You want an out? Is it wrong to not be physically attracted to someone? Absolutely not. Is it wrong to decide on whether you can be in a dynamic with someone based on how they look? Also absolutely not. Men have been doing this for millions of years quite successfully. I am sorry to say that I have, in my early days, had dynamics in the past with women without seeing them, and then, on seeing them found the energy drain away. I have come to terms with this, in that its relatively important to me and I have little influence over it. At the moment, probably because you are new, you have an image of what you are looking for and it is that image that makes you excited. Some very good posts above make the point that if you can get past this 'he doesn't look how i thought he would look' then with successful interactions you may find the look that turns you on will broaden. That requires you to say 'ok, this isn't necessarily the look I thought i wanted, but I will give this a go'. Its highly unlikely that your first dynamic will last the rest of your life. Its far more likely that your first dynamic will last a few weeks or a month or two, burn fiercely and then falter due to some reason. This is how we learn. My dynamics have become longer and more stable as my skills increase. I learn what not to do by doing what not to do! The point is that even if you choose someone who doesn't have the look you thought you wanted, its not something you will have for a lifetime! If you decide you want out from the birth of a dynamic then there are some good suggestions above. Bonnie is absolutely right that you are doing him a favour if you say 'i'm sorry I'm not feeling the chemistry'. I have had people say that to me (I know, even me!) and its not as brutal as you fear. I found it very respectful that someone would think enough of me to be open instead of ghosting. Carraway |
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JohnBond(dom male){Kitten}
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
LaVieEnRose wrote: Personally itâs kind of why I like to leave pictures off for a bit, I want to know them and suss them out and then see them cause i think it changes my perception of them.
For instance someone Iâve been talking too, it took about a month before we even exchanged pictures. And because Iâd made a certain level of a mental connection for me I could easily see him being my Dominant (I wonât tell him that yet cause itâs no fun if there is no chase, unless he reads this đ). Iâm not saying wait that long, but for me if you canât mentally get in my head then it doesnât matter if you look like Brad Pitt. I can understand what you mean though cause when youâre new there is a little bit of a frenzy and a strong desire to make a connection with a Dom. I would say explain it to him but I would still talk to him because you donât know what could develop but also youâll learn a lot about yourself with every Dom you talk to! Conversely, this is actually why I lead with pictures. I had one in my profile here and elsewhere when I was looking so that people could get a sense of what I looked like and decide if I was their cup of tea or not. Attraction as such a big deal in relationships / dynamics that I think it's important to hammer out. You can absolutely have kink without a relationship or attraction, but that's very hard for some people. That said, it does depend on what you're looking for, if you're looking for a sadist, you may be very surprised to learn that the goofball baby faced guy in a picture had somebody partially suspended over large patches of sand paper while he caned them. People are indeed very surprising. |
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Dunimos(dom male)
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
Perhaps the issue is the pic itself,
Ask him for one that can help set the scene for you. If he was shooting for kind and approachable then that may not work for the fantasy session you both are moving toward. I'd suggest talking about it and see if you can come up with something more fitting. Ask him what his warrior face would look like... or his "I've got you now bitch" face. He may surprise you. |
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LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi}
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4 years ago •
Feb 16, 2020
@johnbond I can definitely appreciate attraction being a big part of ANY relationship but for me I want to get to know the person before I decide theyâre attractive; for me the personality behind the face often changes how I view the person.
Like I said this current Dom Iâm speaking too, after a month of knowing him when I finally saw his photo to me heâs incredibly handsome and attractive. Him asking me to do something wouldnât even take a second thought because he has and is getting to know me. BUT thatâs me and I can appreciate itâs not like that for everyone! |
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shedevil(dom female)
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4 years ago •
Feb 17, 2020
Honestly personality is great and all but Iâll be bluntly honest one canât f*ck a personality. You canât submit to it either. There has to be some sort of attraction. I donât like waisting my time or someone elseâs talking for days if there is no attraction at all from the get go. It doesnât matter if you are new to this or not, letâs just cut the bs if there is 0 sexual attraction how is that gonna work? It wonât. Be polite and explain to the person that you not interested and move on. 98% of the time talking to someone for a while without seeing a picture of them ends up being extremely disappointing.
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