Switch off

Thanks ?

Really interesting post, and something that I was thinking on a couple of days ago. I have been in this situation a few times if I am honest.

On observation, I have seen that this reaction seems to come about because I dress and speak differently to my peers, so as you have alluded to, it takes them out of the headspace on meeting. Especially for someone who was new to BDSM and had their fixed perception as to what a dom should look like.

However, I have never gotten upset by this. (Maybe a slight twinge when I was young at something promising lost!) But as I matured the amusing part for me is that often those ladies gravitated back to me after similar adventures formed from meet ups very similar to how @Misterasmodai described.

If you are still in the writing stage of the exchange you could do worse than give him a chance, and see what his voice sounds like!

Good Luck

Cap

In regards to the eyes, there is something to consider.
When my photo is being taken (or even worse if I am taking a photo of myself), I have a lot of difficulty focusing for some reason.
Whatever causes this does not affect me in real life, and my stern gaze is often commented on.
If you are solely interested in online photo exchange as the visual element of your dynamic, this is obviously still a problem, but if you plan on eventually meeting in person, consider that he might just have trouble focusing on the camera. I look either cross eyed or stoned in ninety-nine out of a hundred photos.

Regarding your words:

The thing is that , I have no problem with the way he looks , the problem is that I don’t feel the pull ... For me the eyes is the soul and as you said there is a lot of information in the face ... Normally if I don’t feel comfortable with someone eyes I just can’t like this person ... there are eyes and eyes ... ( mostly of the times I am right re trustworthy people and them eyes .)

His eyes are ok , but not pulling my attention nor giving me buzzing ...

I don’t know but I always had in my mind that a Dom would make me Submit just with his eyes and the way he look at me .

- - -

I think you are on the right track but probably a little off in your expectations

For me there is ‘the look’ I see in a switch or a sub that tells me they are feeling submissive / bottomy towards me. It’s not the Same look, and it’s often in the body language as well as the eyes

But ‘the look’ is not a doe eyed man that takes over their face, the posture is not a gorean slave pose, and it often comes as a flash here and there.

Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) includes the study of body language and more importantly the INTERACTIVE communication between body poses. The body language is about certain poses but it is about The dance of two people as their poses match and diverge.

The same with ‘the look’
A static photo won’t tell you how the energy dances between you.

Even if the Dom is having Dom feels towards you as they snap a photo, the photo might catch the ‘trying to focus’ micro expression, or the ‘that’s it, that’s the look’ micro expression, rather than the ‘Dom’ micro expression you desire

MY ADVICE: You can’t judge by a still photo. Talk on video chat and see what happens.

Thank you for your comment

Is not a bad idea to hear the voice ...


Thanks ?

Hi zash,

Let me just understand ... what is the issue for you here?
1. You aren't physically attracted to the person who you are mentally attracted (submissively) to and you want to be?
2. You find it interesting that the dominance 'switched off' when you saw what he looked like?
3. You are worried that you might have a physical block going forward with many men not having a 'dominant' look?
4. You want an out?

Is it wrong to not be physically attracted to someone? Absolutely not. Is it wrong to decide on whether you can be in a dynamic with someone based on how they look? Also absolutely not. Men have been doing this for millions of years quite successfully. I am sorry to say that I have, in my early days, had dynamics in the past with women without seeing them, and then, on seeing them found the energy drain away. I have come to terms with this, in that its relatively important to me and I have little influence over it.

At the moment, probably because you are new, you have an image of what you are looking for and it is that image that makes you excited. Some very good posts above make the point that if you can get past this 'he doesn't look how i thought he would look' then with successful interactions you may find the look that turns you on will broaden. That requires you to say 'ok, this isn't necessarily the look I thought i wanted, but I will give this a go'.

Its highly unlikely that your first dynamic will last the rest of your life. Its far more likely that your first dynamic will last a few weeks or a month or two, burn fiercely and then falter due to some reason. This is how we learn. My dynamics have become longer and more stable as my skills increase. I learn what not to do by doing what not to do! The point is that even if you choose someone who doesn't have the look you thought you wanted, its not something you will have for a lifetime!

If you decide you want out from the birth of a dynamic then there are some good suggestions above. Bonnie is absolutely right that you are doing him a favour if you say 'i'm sorry I'm not feeling the chemistry'. I have had people say that to me (I know, even me!) and its not as brutal as you fear. I found it very respectful that someone would think enough of me to be open instead of ghosting.

Carraway

Conversely, this is actually why I lead with pictures. I had one in my profile here and elsewhere when I was looking so that people could get a sense of what I looked like and decide if I was their cup of tea or not. Attraction as such a big deal in relationships / dynamics that I think it's important to hammer out. You can absolutely have kink without a relationship or attraction, but that's very hard for some people.

That said, it does depend on what you're looking for, if you're looking for a sadist, you may be very surprised to learn that the goofball baby faced guy in a picture had somebody partially suspended over large patches of sand paper while he caned them. People are indeed very surprising.

Perhaps the issue is the pic itself,
Ask him for one that can help set the scene for you. If he was shooting for kind and approachable then that may not work for the fantasy session you both are moving toward.

I'd suggest talking about it and see if you can come up with something more fitting. Ask him what his warrior face would look like... or his "I've got you now bitch" face.

He may surprise you.

@johnbond I can definitely appreciate attraction being a big part of ANY relationship but for me I want to get to know the person before I decide they’re attractive; for me the personality behind the face often changes how I view the person.

Like I said this current Dom I’m speaking too, after a month of knowing him when I finally saw his photo to me he’s incredibly handsome and attractive. Him asking me to do something wouldn’t even take a second thought because he has and is getting to know me.

BUT that’s me and I can appreciate it’s not like that for everyone!

Honestly personality is great and all but I’ll be bluntly honest one can’t f*ck a personality. You can’t submit to it either. There has to be some sort of attraction. I don’t like waisting my time or someone else’s talking for days if there is no attraction at all from the get go. It doesn’t matter if you are new to this or not, let’s just cut the bs if there is 0 sexual attraction how is that gonna work? It won’t. Be polite and explain to the person that you not interested and move on. 98% of the time talking to someone for a while without seeing a picture of them ends up being extremely disappointing.