Question: How can you be a good Dom at 22 years old?

The original Her​(switch female) • Sep 25, 2020

I try to stay out of the forums unless something catches my eye, Billy. Being outspoken against how things normally run in this community has made some people not love me, but I'm glad that I was able to open things up and help you see it from a different point of view. I wish you luck in the future, and maybe I'll see you around!

slavebilly​(sub male) • Sep 25, 2020

Good point SunshineGirl. I'm glad I asked this question. I learned a lot

slavebilly​(sub male) • Sep 25, 2020

Trapbunniebubs. I'm sorry that has happened to you. I wouldn't stop posting just because some are critical. Others may actually learn something. That the reason for this forum!

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Sep 25, 2020

I agree, it is case by case. We are all constantly learning. However... At 22, I can't imagine one having too much experience being a Dom.. But you can always learn. And you can learn together (of course slowly and through research and talking to others, exploring together SAFELY). I would never suggest getting into a D/s relationship without any knowledge of what you're doing or having researched and I think that happens a lot and it messes new subs particularly up when a new Dom just jumps right in and has no idea and doesn't try to research and learn from others who have experience and through reading.

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Sep 25, 2020

Hey all I have been reading this entire forum thread. I just want to go on and say at 22 you might/might notbe ready, maturity, learning, being responsible for the life of a sub under your care, and a lot of other factors come into play. There may be no right or wrong answer to this, but I am an older gentleman and I do not claim to know everything about this lifestyle. I am still learning how to conduct myself and the struggle is real, especially if like someone said if there was a sub highly trained and you as Dom not things can go all kind of sideways and fast and then you might or might not ever get approached again. people talk and before you know it no one will be with you. people are not willing to take people under their wing and train those up and coming or pass on things that could be useful in their growth.

I was never trained as a Dom and learned what I know from digging and tons of research. the refusal is real and I hope that can change. it will make this a better community if it does. sadly I am still learning as Dom, bet I am scared, nervous, because I dont want to be "that guy" with subs and I want to be the best I can. I would have loved to be mentored but sadly that never happened. anyway good luck on your journey.

DomJayy​(dom male) • Sep 25, 2020

Age doesn’t effect the quality of a Dom

Like many have said a 50 year old could be a worse Dom than a 20 year old

It’s all about the education and knowledge they have gained to make themselves a good dominant.

You can spot a fake dom pretty easily if you know what you are looking for

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 26, 2020

I believe that at a younger age, the beginning of thoughts about bdsm manifest.
One comes to discovery about themselves and their sexuality.
No one is " the expert."
No one has " total knowledge."
It's a life long experience of constant learning - not only of one's self, but in relationships as well.

Perhaps in the name of " enthusiasm " when one is younger, there is a bit of " bragging and swagger." Which is what I believe that you are addressing in your question.

DrWakko • Sep 26, 2020

You can be a Dom or sub at any age. To say you are going to be a good Dom or sub that is a different topic all together. I identified as a Dom at 20, I will say this I wasn't a good Dom, or even a good man at that age. I just wanted I would say what most stereotypical guys wanted at 20 sex, yeah the relationship side sounded good, but I wasn't ready for that.

My thing is when 22 year olds call themselves Master. They haven't mastered anything. Hell most of them have only seen BDSM equipment in their local sex shops or on TV. They don't know the first thing about D/s, M/s or any other kind of dynamic, but they hope by calling themselves Master it will get them some kind of attention.

For those of you that are new and are just starting your journey into D/s or M/s start going to local munches. From there it will open up classes and other events for you. Watch people play, watch how they do things. Then talk to those people. Get mentors. Get a kink education. Put in the work and in the end it will make you a better Dom or sub.

DW

ColoRuleSoft​(other male) • Sep 26, 2020

By 22, I knew what side of the spectrum I was on. Since dominants typically hold responsibility for themselves and other(s), they have to be more mature and more grounded which usually comes with having a longer life. On the other hand, people have to start somewhere. I admit, at 22, I wouldn't have been ready. Then again, had my life been different, could I have been? I don't know, but I think someone else could.

Bunnie • Sep 26, 2020

Our local community began showing signs of division just before I left the state. The younger people didn’t want to follow the ways of the Old Guard... they believed it was stale and outdated. They wanted to have more fun and less restrictions. They didn’t foresee any of the problems that many of us saw with that... and of course, they didn’t want to listen... because really, at 22 who wants to listen? So what occurred was inexperience attempting to teach newbies, and like chinese whispers, the “knowledge” being passed on became more and more diluted until it simply reached a point of being ridiculous and unsafe. But what could be done? Our elders were ridiculed for being inflexible and “one true wayish” if they tried to pass on their knowledge... or if they just left them to their own devices, they were then chastised for not being willing to pick up the pieces when it all fell apart. They did end up stepping in and guiding them back on track, of course. A valuable lesson for all. The problem when we’re young is that we want everything our way. Ironically, it requires mileage in life to understand that it doesn’t work that way.

I think this is where age comes in. Emotional maturity is not the same as age. And life experience is yet again, different. There are some things that can only come from experience... not information. And there are some things that can only come from mileage. I was once a very loud advocate of age just being a number... until I simply got older. I’m definitely not more mature. I’m definitely not smarter... but I’m more resilient, more flexible... just overall somehow more integrated, which brings an inner solidarity, and something else that is simply never associated with youth... wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge put into practice.... and no matter how much we may desire it... it is not a gift of our youth... it is a gift of putting in the mileage (time and experience) in life.

As DrWakko said, of course anyone who walks in these shoes will identify as they do, and who is anyone to tell anyone otherwise. For me personally, the defining factor is how well or how close someone is to having mastered themselves... and there are so few people that I know who have even done that as an older adult, let alone at 22.

We seem to spend half our lives trying to grow up faster than what we are... and then the second half trying to slow it down and savour every moment. I’ve always envied those who know at such a young age that this is where they want to be. I wish I had had the courage to live my truth from the very beginning, rather than allowing everything and everyone to influence my life to such a large degree. I’m grateful that it was older generations who paved the way for so many youth to feel safe enough to pursue this so much easier and earlier than we ever felt safe to... I say we shouldn’t be pointing fingers... we should be patting backs. But I also say this (and understand it falls on deaf ears as it did once for myself)... what’s the rush? Why is it necessary to “be respected” or “titled” or at the “finish line“ so quickly. No one gets to take a shortcut, so why not learn to enjoy the journey, because we only do it this way once.