when dominant men ONLY want 'inexperienced' subs

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 30, 2020

On a psychological level, it's called an Ego Trip.
When an individual in order to bolster their Ego, only choose those who are inexperienced.

A person who is inexperienced obviously hasn't found their " voice." Of course they are insecure and highly impressionable.

Unfortunately there are predators who will look to pounce on this.

On the flip side are the inexperienced who melt at the thought of someone who claims to be a mega dom choosing them.

The safest way to learn is by reading.
Talking.
Listening.
Do not engage until you have learned something about yourself.
Otherwise you can run the risk of psychological and possible physical harm.

It's not a race. There's no reason to rush into this.

Look out for yourself first and don't be so eager to please.

Don't jump into the water unless you can swim.

LordofPain56 • Oct 1, 2020

Being the logical, practical and efficient thinker I am, it seems I always thought that it would be better for me to go for an experienced sub. At least (we hope) she would know who and what she is and how to relate to a Dom, right?
But I suppose there are those who would prefer to go through all the messiness of learning and discovery, not that there isn't any with an experienced sub, but at least there's already a starting point to shove off from.

tpeflrman • Oct 1, 2020

So, I'm not a female sub, I'm a male sub.
One thing that really rings true for me too though is the question of if you're experienced or not.
I've been around a long time and served in a serious way to quite a few Dominant women. So I have A LOT of experience.
However, when I'm looking for a new partner I look from the point of view that despite my history I really know nothing.
Each and every relationship between two people is unique, so I always question the relevance of past experiences and being asked about that in detail.
Most women do ask, to help guauge who they are talking and I get that and understand it but I really admire those who also make it clear that it's not relevant for a relationship with them.
They want me to be what THEY wish, not what someone else wanted.
Would someone in my age group actively hope for inexperience in a man they hoped to start a relationship with? I very much doubt it.
It's a thread that has made me think...
So thank you. 😊

raiseaneyebrow • Oct 1, 2020

The general argument presented is that they (the Dom) want to mould and train in their own ways. It’s a flimsy argument at best as each situation is different and you find your way together.

Red flag certainly because it infers a desire to push limits because the lack of experience on the part of the sub can be blamed.

It’s a saddening circumstance. Be careful.

you have that so right you put me to shame!!

BabygirlTaz​(sub female) • Oct 1, 2020

love it!

BabygirlTaz​(sub female) • Oct 1, 2020

mstrseeking​(dom male) • Oct 1, 2020

I'm always apprehensive to take totally inexperienced submissives. They're very trusting and know basically nothing about what they enjoy or find as limits. It's hard to get a good baseline with them to truly bring out their submissive side.

And as someone already said, it's a big red flag if they come looking for a Dom and say, "I know nothing about being a sub but I like the idea." They're not prepared for something like that. And they're just ripe for those "Doms and Dommes" who don't know the difference between dominance and abuse.

Like anything, Doms and subs need to do their research. Read up as was said before, talk to people. But above all, know yourself before you go into this. Know what's out of bounds. Know what makes you uncomfortable. Know what you need in a relationship/dynamic.

As for the Doms and Dommes going for only inexperienced subs, you guys are often times the reason subs step away from even attempting to get into the lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I understand wanting to mold a submissive and shape them to your desires. But they have their own needs, desires, and personalities. Forcing someone to what works for you is no different that buying a real doll. Except you risk permanently harming someone if you can't control yourself.

Tthomas • Oct 2, 2020

Well Said

It has been my experience that younger subs want to play and really do not want to take the time to be the best they can. The books and movies have given them the opportunity to learn something new. Give me an older woman who knows what she is or what she wants to become. I am not saying this is 100% true. Just in my past meetings.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 30, 2020

It is to be blamed. People genially choose ignorance at times. Some focus on honesty, others don't. In order to reach said honesty you may have to hurt them. Because the truth can. At the same time they may be more willing to have an open mind then older people stuck in their ways. So that's probably a factor too. Consider this. Is it more likely for an EXPERIENCED dom to cause harm or an INEXPERIENCED one?

The answer is "it depends". An older dom can still be close minded and have fear consume them. And a younger sub can be more open minded and know how to outplay a dom. They only take advantage of you if you let yourself get taken advantage of. But maybe you're already taking advantage of yourself if you fear the worst and generalise as if that's "the one truth". Look, I get it, the OP had a bad experience. But that's obviously making them biased. I have my own bad experiences but you don't see me projecting and generalising. I say WHY and with WHAT. SPECIFICALLY. What's the OP doing? BLAMING. Without a reason beyond age and gender. That is a toxic trap. To see the worst of others easily. I'm actually taking offence to the sexism. Racism, sexism and seeing the worst of X race or gender (among other things) fuels irrational fear and causes harm. You do realise that, right? And you can't even say you don't know what you're doing if you're making them a target and a victim. Just like how YOU feel. Sheez.

The OP clearly had a bad experience and has become deathly afraid of "All people seeking it out". There will be bad situations with this. But that does not mean there aren't good either. It would be a mistake to generalise.


Women make excuses too. You're doing it right now by implying only men do when you know that. MOST people of ANY gender make them. Some people, regardless of gender, avoid making that mistake. Now with that out of the way I'm going to ask you one simple question. Because this sure as hell has to do more with what HAPPENED and not just age. Frankly, I'm cutting past your excuses to get to the truth of the matter.

WHAT is the red flag SPECIFICALLY? What EXACTLY caused you to become afraid? You haven't mentioned this. Stop generalising and tell us EXACTLY what happened. WHY are you afraid? Don't just go "Because of X or Y". Give us reasons as to why. Examples. Otherwise you teach us nothing. Either you're worrying and over reacting after fleeing in fear, or something bad actually did happen. And right now we're in the dark on that account because you haven't addressed this. You seemed to be in a state of panic making the first post. But now that you're had a chance to calm down can you tell us exactly what happened and why?

TieHardTwo • Oct 30, 2020

Personally we will do newbies but they are not my preference and always feel a bit like doing community service. We all have to start somewhere and why not start with someone decent and considerate. I find I can't relax so much with newbies as they tend to be such poor communicators (not really able to say what they like, inhibited in expressing pleasure, a tendency to become planks of wood and generally falling for that most annoying fallacy that Doms are all telepathic and can read sub minds - sigh). This means that my duty of care has to be dialed up to maximum and I am erring way on the side of caution. As a result they end up with an experience which is a bit like being Dommed by the care bears. The most important thing we tell all newbies is that we are not psychic nor are we perfect, we give them stop signals for a reason and most importantly we want them to enjoy themselves. We are good at reading tension in the body, the breathing etc and with guys one can always judge by their erections - but we are not psychic. If a position or tie or something we are doing is knocking them out of the zone don't be stoical about it. Let us know quickly and we can easily change or recover a scene if done soon. So our preference is for subs with some miles on the clock who are more relaxed in scenes, better at communicating about and during sex and with more ideas of what they enjoy.

That said while I generally agree that Doms who will ONLY do inexperienced subs should be taken as a warning signal and approached with caution I am not sure that it follows this is always about abusiveness. Strange as it sounds Doms are only human. I suspect many Doms like inexperience out of what is essentially performance anxiety. They are afraid of comparing poorly to other Doms and lovers. The inexperienced are much more easy to impress. In addition many cultures still contain to a greater or lesser extent a residual value on female virginity (luckily as gay men this doesn't effect us - I am so grateful!). There is I suspect a desire to make a big impression - this is much easier when the sub is inexperienced. (Making a big impression is so much more valuable when the sub IS experienced - it is so satisfying when a sub who has been on the scene for 10 years tells you that you have just blown their mind!)

This may be more of a thing in the gay scene but on the other side of the equation subs can also ruin themselves. Subs get diminishing returns on their experiences the more they do, so they end up going further and further in order to compensate for dropping libido with age and to deliver the big hits. Some very long term subs then end up at the very extreme end of the spectrum and need to have their cocks nailed to a bit of wood and double fisted just to get them going (ok - an overstatement but you get the gist). Personally I find this a bit off putting too but I appreciate that for others these subs are gold dust.