Is bdsm healing?

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 9, 2020

Taramafor, Usually I am in agreement with your posts, but on this topic ("A therapist is the LAST resort." ) I completely disagree. The "happy chemical" that you are talking about is dopamine. Cocaine surges dopamine too. There are therapeuitcal solutions like Provigil or Ritalin.

Therapist is a loose term - it can either mean a psychotherapist or a psychriatist. The latter prescribes medication.

Medications are wonderful.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 10, 2020

if it's not the last resort then you're not giving yourself a chance to challenge the difficulties yourself before resorting to a therapist. The same can be said for medication (and if you're praising either this raises concerns about over reliance). They can only help you to help yourself. Sometimes to find out if you can help yourself you need to find out without what you know. It can be easy to fall into an (unintended) habit of relying on what you find helpful, but this could prevent someone from helping themselves when those tools aren't available. People can't always be around you all the time either, no matter how much they might want to be. Above all else we must be prepared for that situation where those tools (and others that can support us) are lacking. Completely. Utterly. Lacking. And the only thing that will save us in times like that is reasoning and logic in the pursuit of "peace of mind".

Can they help? Yes. Can therapists do everything for you? No. Neither can someone you personally know that is around consistently, but with the later they're more likely to continue to consistently support you. Provided that person is smart/wise enough to "therapist" levels (or better. Some therapists speak FOR you which is clearly a mistake. How do those people even get hired?) It's not about degrees, it's about knowledge and logic. And many none therapists have that to "therapist" levels (surprisingly). Simply because of one thing a therapist might not have.

Experience in specific areas.

So how many other people have that kind of ability yet aren't therapists? You could be walking past them every day and not even realise it. You'll also be walking past a lot of idiots but it doesn't subtract from those that are more aware. But is that where you even looked before going straight to a therapist? Sure, a number of people won't give a shit about you. That's just a cold hard fact. You have to stand out. And often all you have to do is approach them and let them know. Some will do it to "be a good person" and some will do it because "It's you". You're not a burden or a crutch if someone WANTS to listen (and a good number of people will know what they're doing), but it's less about "help" and more about "understanding each other and sharing information", of which happens to be helpful. And when it comes to situations like this there's one effective approach. And something people that see therapists don't do nearly enough of.

Question. Everything.

Because if a therapist can't even say why and give a good damn reason beyond "just because" then what kind of advice are they giving you? Question that advice, regardless of how helpful or harmful it may be. To keep yourself safe. Seriously, not enough people do this. While yes, therapists can be lacking in skill sets at times, I can only hold them responsible so much. It's on the patient to challenge and question them. And when you're broken, when you're struggling, when you're that desperate for even the smallest scrap of something that might seem helpful people can forget to do this. And that could further serve to put them more in danger if they take advice blindly without question. What you THINK might be helping might actually be doing the reverse. Reverse logic can also apply. Something that can help in the short run can harm you in the long run (this can happen with medication. Be mindful of that). Something that hurts in the short term can otherwise help in the long run.

The most important thing to remember is that we are all human beings. We all have our moments where we can get hurt or/and destroyed (it can happen later if not sooner. chances are it will), and when that happens we can tell ourselves "It's not fair on others". I made the mistake of isolating myself because of that mindset once. But did I ever ask? No. I didn't. Did I have concerns about overwhelming people with my baggage? Yes. I did. But people wanted to find out. I simply had to take the approach of "Full and fair warning". Let them know and then see if they want to know. It's that simple. The old topic of "Awareness" and "Full and fair warning". It gives them the choice. It can't be faulted. We all have our baggage. And talking about it helps. Sometimes the talking alone is enough. To just be "accepted" and not shunned for being broken. Knowing that you can be flawed and human. Or even a monster. (however, this is not an excuse to allow mistakes to happen either). It's often how people get to know each other as well. It does not translate to being "unfair". If anything it often leads to fair. They'll have their own problems. It is something you will have to face. Accept that or go curl under a rock all on your own because you can't handle people being flawed. Everyone in this world is. I am not sugarcoating this. But then you're on your own with your own baggage still. With no support. With no assistance. All on your own. It's easier when you do it together. It can seem like it can be harder because you have theirs to deal with as well, but honestly, provided they're supporting you back, it's not. Provided the other person you're with isn't a brain dead idiot (or otherwise careless as fuck). It can be fine if you are, depending. Just be willing to learn.

If you stick to "I'm like this and here's full and fair warning" then you might be surprised how many people will want to hear you out. And those people in turn may have some helpful, constructive advice that even a therapist might not give. Due to experience. How many therapists control you "as a dom" with a cruel yet also caring approach? If what is helpful for you is something more "outside the box" in a certain area (BDSM for example. But many others areas too) then you need someone that has experience in THAT area. And even when it is that general area we then reach specifics within that area. X approach, Y approach. So on and so forth. You need something that is going to help and benefit you in that area and you're going to require your own approach. Because no matter how many qualifications a therapist has if they are biased and have zero experience with X event then they can't help you due to that lack of experience. Even if someone looks at a situation objectively, without experience do they know enough to make a call one way or another? It's why therapists that have suffered from trauma are more likely to help people that have suffered through it. They have that experience. But when we're talking about something more "Does this affect me with a specific area" then it gets more technical. As such you're going to find it harder to find someone that has experience in that area/event. Logic dictates that people that know control and take dom/sub approaches (as well as S/M) will have more experience then the standard therapist. Unless said therapist happens to have experience in areas of "control, force" and "pain". Along with how it can be both a good AND a bad thing, depending on circumstances and context. You can tell if a therapist is a good or bad one simply by wherever they're one sided or not (eg: They should never take sides either way).


That's one chemical but not the one I was referring too. Looked it up. It's norepinephrine. Knew it began with an N. This also leads to a reduction of serotonin. There's an article on the matter, but it delves more into relationships then anything BDSM related. Still, if it's even remotely helpful here it is.

http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 10, 2020

All I can say is this: I take medications first. I believe in science.

shortylotus​(dom female) • Oct 10, 2020

I am a molecular biologist by trade..i believe in science and facts. Medications and therapy are all proven therapeutic approaches..however most the time in science we lose a certain human factor. Sometimes medications and therapy don't work..because when it comes down to it a person will to change has to be greater then there will to stay the same.. tragedy can freeze a person. Time doesn't heal everything but it can however make you less sensitive to the pain making it more manageable for when the time is right to forgive and move forward..

forgedbyfire • Oct 10, 2020

Your question about BDSM is quite broad.

I personally prefer a therapeutic approach to processing through both the obvious and subtle experiences in my life.

Have my lifestyle-related experiences been healing for me? No. Cathartic? Yes.

Re: Is bdsm healing?

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 10, 2020

You have a small child. Do what you need, but do not expose her to any "Lifestyle" in particular!"

What works for you (and me) might not be suitable to her.

shortylotus​(dom female) • Oct 10, 2020

My daughter is never even in the same house during any activities.

Re: Is bdsm healing?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 10, 2020

i think what happens with many when they find a community with people like them (in this case "BDSM"), they can come out of hiding and be who they are. i think humans have the need to be social, to connect with others, but dominant culture has a way of sending those who are different into the proverbial closet. i also believe a lot of that happens at a subtle, unconscious, level. Especially as kids, when we are still developing and have no knowledge or coping mechanisms.


i can trace my sub 'nature' back to age 7, and before really. Retrospectively, i can see how i gradually went into hiding, developed a facade, in order to survive a culture that not only rejected who i am, but called it "sick, sinful, broken, etc.." For me, a lot of the healing has come from self acceptance, That has been aided and affirmed in community with like people who relate, reflect, accept, and even some who love who i am.

i think humans have a built in mechanism to live, survive, thrive. Finding a place, community, that is not intrinsically harming/harmful, allows for healing to naturally happen?

Arach • Oct 10, 2020

First thing I want to say is that most aspects of the BDSM lifestyle CAN be beneficial if done within a caring, honest and trusting environment. However, as with most things in life, without care, honesty and trust, it can be anything BUT beneficial.
A major aspect of most, if not all traumatic events in ones life is the loss of control. Things happen to you or around you for which you are unprepared. This can be because you are subject to the actions of an uncaring other, or you are not aware of the consequences of your own actions. Attempting to be open to, and possibly re-experience actions close to those traumatic ones within a caring, honest and trusting environment can give you back these two major aspects. Information and negotiation allows you to be prepared. Honesty and trust that your partner cares, gives you control. If the negotiated actions or behavior get too close to the trauma or too physically painful, you have control over the event. Safewords equivalent to "slow down", "I need to talk" or "Too much, stop" are useful if you want an aspect where you can say "stop, no, please" etc. and have it ignored. Or simply saying, or signaling "wait" or "Stop" if safewords are not necessary for the event. This gives you control.
Having your event in a context of honest caring also allows you to approach the trauma knowing that your physical body and emotional well being will be acknowledged and cared for once the event is over. Your partner is there to remind you that you have control, that you are safe now, that you can be kept warm, pain can be alleviated, physical needs met, that you are listened to and your emotional state is appreciated and valued.
So again, it is the honest and trustworthy caring environment that is necessary for any beneficial effect. But within that environment, I believe that the BDSM lifestyle can be therapeutic.

MariGold • Oct 10, 2020

All of the people within the lifestyle I have met so far have some kind of trauma. Every one of them and I am no exception.

I think allowing yourself to explore your desires, may it be from a submissive or dominant angle, can be incredibly healing.
The danger lies within the fact that there are a lot shitty people outthere taking advantage of others or damaging them even
further.