what do you look for

Lexxa​(sub female) • Jan 19, 2021

When I was open to a new partnership I had a long list of qualities I looked for in a potential partner:

- Intelligence
- Emotional intelligence
- Articulate and well written
- Exemplary communication skills
- Compassionate
- Empathetic
- Responsible
- Independent
- Transparent
- Similar interests both vanilla and kinky - this is a whole other long list
- Located geographically close to myself - ideally within the same city
- Physically taller than myself (which at 5’ 3” that’s not hard to come by haha)
- Never been married
- Never had children and no desire to ever have them
- Likes pets, dogs especially
- Zest for life
- Desire for knowledge and continued growth through exploration and learning
- Desire for a long term relationship
- Confidence
- Control over themselves and their lifestyle
- Honesty
- Respect
- Exceptional consent practices
- Physical and emotional compatibility
- Non-religious
- LGBTQ+ friendly
- Progressive perspective in terms of public policy
- Excellent listening skills
- Critical thinking skills
- Generous/selfless
- Patient
- Genuine
- Trustworthy
- Treats me like a princess
- Makes me feel beautiful and loved
- Happy - this is a big one, I’m not your therapist and it’s not my job to “fix” you. I expect a partner to be a generally happy person with sound mind and body.
- Inspires me to be the best version of myself
- Consistency
- Safety oriented


As for deal breakers:

- Ignorance
- Poor communication
- Arrogance
- Entitlement
- Uncontrolled emotions/outbursts
- Racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia, intolerance, etc
- Unsolicited dick pics
- Belittling of others
- “Know it all” types
- Pushing your opinions as facts/not knowing the difference between an opinion and a fact
- Not knowing the difference between your, you’re, their, there and they’re
- Coercive/manipulative
- Deceptive
- Domineering
- Poor personal hygiene
- A preference for processed foods over freshly prepared meals
- Inability to cook
- Dependent
- Stupidity
- Dislike for animals and pets
- Refusal to learn new things
- Sloppy lifestyle
- Those who think they can do no wrong
- Married or previously married
- Children or desire to have children
- Other non-consenting partners/hidden partners
- Selfish/greedy
- Impatient
- Rude behavior towards service workers
- Online play/online dynamics
- Requesting nude/risqué photos/videos
- Requesting to meet in a hotel (huge red flag that someone is cheating/being dishonest about their home life)
- Conservative ideology
- Religious
- Geographically distant from me
- Emotionally distant
- Inconsistent
- Physically/emotionally abusive
- Illicit drug use/excessive alcohol consumption
- STDs
- Cigarette/tobacco in any form smoker/chewer
- Makes me feel negatively about myself
- Unaddressed past traumas/emotional issues pushed on me with the expectation that it’s my job to “fix” them.
- Disregard for safety

There’s definitely more to both of these lists but I think this sums up the gist lol.

My most important learned lesson is to never compromise yourself and your desires for the sake of having a partner/dynamic. It’s not worth your time and energy. Put your high heels on and keep your expectations higher! I’m no one’s last thought or side indulgence, I’m someone’s first priority.

ManchesterMaster • Jan 19, 2021

I honestly think finding a sub or dom is significantly harder than a normal partner but the main things I look for are trust and the ability to communicate with each other easily. Without these, literally nothing works.

Interestingly distance is not the much of a deal for myself as I (until Covid) was fairly flexible about travel.

Trust and specific need

Tinmantoo​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2021

So here’s my thought... and it’s going to be a little controversial I know. As a Dom and having spoken to many Dom’s over the years - I always wonder if we are all maybe looking for Dynamics that in our minds see one way, but in reality is something completely different. I never confirm a relationship/dynamic until it’s totally established.

So without going into long explanations. What I look for in a sub is exactly what that sub seeks in a Dom... CRAZY isn’t it? So who is the Master / Dom / Sir or Daddy? The Dom is the The person who is right to take the sub to his or her controlled space and fulfil a need they have in a trusted and controlled way. That’s why if you read my profile my Limits are listed as “whatever is agreed”. There is absolutely no relationship/dynamic without trust. Trust is earned. If I feel like my sub doesn’t or will not trust me I will not confirm that dynamic.

MelMell​(dom female) • Jan 19, 2021

I look for someone that has similar likes and dislikes to mine.
My deal breaker is a cigarette smoker. I can’t stand the smell at all and im very sensitive towards most smells.
My favorite thing is a sub with pretty eyes and a smile. Least favorite thing is hot and cold subs. You either like me or you don’t.

Re: what do you look for

LordofPain56 • Jan 21, 2021

Boobs, small, firm ones, because I like to rub, squeeze and spank them and give them lots of affection with my mouth.


Favorites; ones who say they are easy going and tend to be less bratty, seem to be more willing, even enthusiastic, accepting of any punishment within her limits, satisfied with the lifestyle and surroundings I have provided.
least favorites; unsure of herself or confused, bad attitude, super high maintenance (hedonistic), more focused upon outward things such as perceived social status rather than inward harmony.

ones who say they are not willing to accept pain (non-masochists). I swing a pretty mean flogger.

gdessub​(sub female) • Jan 21, 2021

As a submissive my must haves for a dominant:
1. Craves to know his submissive inside and out , The Good The bad and The ugly.
2. Make sure the submissive feels heard.
3. Practices open communication, honesty, transparency as part of the foundation for the tpe relationship.

Deal breakers:
1. Lack of honesty and of course transparency
2. Not knowing himself
3. Does not understand the true value of the submissive gift.

Favorite things
1. Finding the common ground between two people
2. Participating in building a good foundation for a unique tpe relationship
3. Learning The kinks and understanding needs of the dominant.


Most important is remembering we're both human and we both make mistakes but as long as we around the same path andhave honesty, transparency and open communication the world can be a beautiful thing.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2021

I have deal breakers and must haves.

There is more wiggle room on the must haves. The deal breakers such as, drug use, smoking, violence, misogyny, cheaters, nothing is ever their fault- it's the world against them, etc... those end things. We aren't pals, FWB, chat pals etc. They aren't negotiable.

Limits and deal breakers, in my opinion, are how I place value on myself. They don't mean the other person is not valuable, but it does mean we are not a match. If you always buy the wrong thing at the store, you can't expect to know what the right thing looks like when you see it.

I'd also suggest you get on Amazon and search BDSM
Avoid the fantasy.
look at the synopsis for books like
SM101
A different loving
The loving Dominant,
The bottoming book
The topping book.
Ethical slut
Screw the roses.
Asking here is great but you should tap into some respected sources that have been out there for years. Might help

gods left nipple​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

That they are willing to do exhibitionism, and that their political views aren't shit. It's annoying when you find one, but neither of you have a premium account so you can't message them
(This is sort of a 😉 to you, personally)

MasterRenton​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

The things that I generally look for are: ability to stay focused, she has to be able to show empathy, consistency, honesty, the willingness to accept change, a level head, and availability. The red flags I will add a couple since there are a couple: flaky behavior, acting out for attention sake, inability to follow simple protocol.

I have found that for myself to provide consistency, a feeling of safety, and positive direction; I need a submissive to take initiative and show a drive to progress.

Genfairplay​(dom male) • Feb 15, 2021

I have learned to look for Stability.

To explain

I look for someone who sounds like they have their wits about them and proceeds with caution. Gets to know the man behind the kinks, vannila and kink flavors.
Meet in public. Don't seem desperate.

I look out for warning signs of instability.
Wanting to give their dom controll, even full controll is alright IF that is a part of their desire for their dynamic.

However, if it is because they are depressed / unstable / giving up in life and just going "fuck it, someone else decide what I am /do"
No way.
That girl needs help before she decides what she wants to do with her life and a prey a lesser man doesn't find her.

It's a mutual dynamic of two people who enjoy sharing thier interests. Not a one sided dynamic of preying upon the unstable.