Openness & honesty

Sithech(dom male)	Sithech(dom male) 4 years ago • Feb 10, 2021 4 years ago • Feb 10, 2021 Sithech(dom male) • Feb 10, 2021 Isn't then ultimate goal openness and honesty? Without those doesn't a relationship just devolve into choas?
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LordofPain56

4 years ago • Feb 10, 2021

Re: Openness & honesty

4 years ago • Feb 10, 2021

ElleFire wrote:

Where is the line? How much honesty and openness is the right amount to ask for? When does it become none of my business? When does it become too much neediness?

I always believed that honesty is the best policy. In ancient times, when I had a profile (on a different BDSM website), it was a tell all (personal characteristics, lifestyle & home environment, social, political and religious leanings, routines and habits, and how I intended to interact with my significant other. Of course it included sexual proclivities. Everything I could think of, leaving no mystery.
Apparently, that was a bad idea. I had that profile on three different websites over a period of at least 20 years and never got a bite. So, there must have been at least one thing in there that a reader didn't like, so they dismissed all that they did like.
Now, I have a very abbreviated profile. 'Cause I just don't care anymore.
Perhaps the best tactic to use is to leave off some things, get lucky and begin a relationship. Then when the girl discovers something she doesn't necessarily care for, she may say to herself, oh well, I can live with it (unless it's a total deal-breaker). I thought my system would avoid all that. It sure did.

Kelpi

4 years ago • Feb 10, 2021

I just got out of a semi vanilla relationship where it was ok to talk but if I said what was totally on my mind then I was in the wrong. We started to look for a sub for both of us but when we found someone we like it went south. I had my feelings about it and she did not care to hear them. If you can't be totally honest then why bother? e up front and totally open or don't start at all. This is what I want this is what you want this is where I draw a line this is your line. If you can't be honest why do you want to be in that relationship?

Tthomas

4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021

Re: Openness & honesty

4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021

ElleFire wrote:

Where is the line? How much honesty and openness is the right amount to ask for? When does it become none of my business? When does it become too much neediness?

If you have 100 different people respond you might have 100 different answers. Everyone’s needs/wants are different.

The person that is just happy to have you and wants to know nothing is at one end of the scale.
The person that wants to know everything about you before they commit is at the other end.

You are the only one that knows when your “needs” will be met.

ellefire(sub female)

4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021

neediness vs. dependency

4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021

Curiousmind wrote:

In my opinion, honestly and openness are paramount for a long term committed dynamic.

“Neediness “ from my point of view is not neediness in its literal meaning in a bdsm relationship but a “dependency “ ...dependency created by a dominant in a power exchanged relationship. If a dom has forged the bond between a sub and himself then he should understand the natural way this type of a relationship works when his sub is dependent on him for his presence/ his guidance/his direction.
A sub should never feel guilty for being “needy”

Sending positive vibes, virtual hugs ? and a sincere hope whatever is on your mind @ElleFire will resolve and become better, stronger and more fulfilling ?

Thank you for the hugs and positive vibes! I think it's all going to be okay, but I struggle with the neediness and dependency aspect - not that I disagree at all with your assessment, but that I somehow think less of myself for being "needy" or "dependent" even though it's really what I want. I guess it's that I think I shouldn't want to be dependent on my Dom, that he will think less of me. Too much vanilla world still left in my brain perhaps. At any rate, I very much appreciate your words and your wishes. And if I could figure out how to insert emojis from my computer keyboard I would be sending you a purple heart!

ellefire(sub female)

4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021

Curiousmind wrote:

Curiousmind(sub female)	Curiousmind(sub female) 4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021 4 years ago • Feb 11, 2021 Curiousmind(sub female) • Feb 11, 2021 Dear ElleFire , i will message you after work tonight. Would love to have a chat with you ??
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MrFulmen

4 years ago • Feb 12, 2021

I think all virtues end up being in tension with other virtues, and that the best course is usually to balance them somewhere in the middle.

Honesty and openness are good things, and if you look at them out of context it's easy to say that you should have as much of them as possible. But if you take them far enough, honesty and openness start to bump up against other good things like privacy, trust, independence or kindness.

So I think that the line you're asking about has to be drawn in terms of other values. When honesty becomes an excuse to say unkind things, or when demanding honesty from someone else doesn't leave them with a reasonable sphere of privacy. When openness becomes a way to extract emotional labor from the person who you're dumping all your worries onto, or when demanding total openness from someone else is an attempt to avoid trusting them to decide what's important to tell you--those are times to consider where to draw a line.

Naturenurture(sub female)

4 years ago • Feb 12, 2021

Depends on the person you are talking to and if you're just looking for online things or real life.
Real life is much more intense and truth plays a major major part!! But online D/s where you'll never meet that person than I think there's less need to fully pour the heart into it from what I've seen. A Dom might have a few subs he talks to online to get his fix. So honestly if he makes you happy online and seems good for your needs, ie asking you to do tasks, show pics, talk on video chat, have phone sex... in the virtual world than how honest does it ever need to be truly if he makes you happy in that way?! You're not looking for marriage you're looking for your sexual fulfillment.

Best of luck. Be true to yourself.

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours}

4 years ago • Feb 12, 2021

Pretty much what you are comfortable with.

100 different ppl, 100 different answers is right. But a lot of people validate their own level of openess/vulnerability.

Mine, for example, I can't be with someone who speaks every thought that comes into their head, that is not openness. Ideas are not truth, they do not exist until they are developed and turned into decisions. I struggle with this line too. I dont want to hear every half baked idea that comes into your head, and I won't tell you mine... but if you start resonating with it, or giving it more time, I want to hear it, I want to be part of the development process. How can you make the best decision for US, when you remove the us from the process?

Some areas I am truly the Submissive, I don't need to be involved with the decision making, I still I need to know what the decision is.

I have been in too many relationships where the Dom changes his mind constantly and you can never get a firm grip on what you are supposed to do, because they can change it whimsically to suit their current 'mood'. That is the worst situation to be in and will make you always feel like you are wrong to their right. That is not transparency, though many people will tell you it is because "Their Decision is Final" blah blah.

Anywhoo... tangent aside. Underdeveloped decisions are just word vomit, yet MANY people, even not to the extreme will condemn someone for not being "Transparent" with them. I find that unnecessary, but keeping a decision to yourself, or an idea that needs input is not transparent or open. Some dynamics are okay with that, I think... but I am the least "need-to-know" person and I still think that is wrong and uncommunicative.