a question for Doms

VenusInBellsX​(dom female) • Sep 2, 2025

Always been a natural leader. It just felt right! As for discovering the lifestyle, that happened once I was legal age to start attending clubs =)
The rest is history!

Re: a question for Doms

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Sep 7, 2025

I've been thinking about this for three weeks.

The way you frame the question is difficult. I can't agree that I "became" a Dom. I realized it. There were driving forces that lead me to the realization, though.

One was church. Traditional, Biblical gender roles in which the man is HoH (head of household) and his wife's "covering" imply a D/s dynamic. I don't do church anymore, but it had a lot of bearing on the type of Dom I am. When it comes to sex, the Bible teaches mutual consent, but in everything else, the husband is held responsible as HoH and therefore in charge. His wife gets under his "covering" and submits to him, so he can care for, provide for, and protect her. I learned dominance as care, responsibility, and order, more than power and control.

I realized I like sexual dominance after my Christian wife and I separated. Lonely, I got onto a sex chat site one night and played with a submissive. Wow! It was the ultimate sexual pleasure for me. What's more, I found an outlet for my sadistic streak. That's how I began learning what being dominant is in the BDSM world.

I'm still learning. I've been with three subs for more than short term. The longest was three years. I've had a few short encounters, a couple of mistakes, and a ton of online relationships. I haven't quite found the piece to my puzzle, though.

While church influenced my dominance, my sadistic streak comes from being exposed to a lot of violence at an early age. I've struggled accepting that part of me. Rage was deep seeded in me at an early age. It's hard-wired. I was lucky after my parents divorced that my mother worked for the National Park Service and I spent my adolescence growing up in National Parks. Nature soothes the beast in me and religion restrained me from that side of myself for a long time.

However when I finally had the opportunity to act out on my sadistic urges, I found the cathartic release of spanking butts, pulling hair, and twisting titties liberating. I mean, I'm not too crazy, not a "fucked in the head sadist" like someone described here. I owe that to being lucky enough to learn from experienced masochists. I let the sadist out slowly, deliberately and methodically. I've learned to measure pain in mindful connection with the one who savors it to prolong and build the intensity.

That said, I need the tender side of affection, too. If I had to choose a sub who's affectionate, but not a masochist, or one who's a masochist but not affectionate, I'd choose the affectionate, tender sub and repress my sadistic urges. I need a deep emotional connection with lots of hugs and kisses more than I need someone to take my pain.

I've always been dominant to some extent. Even as a child, I've wanted to be on top, whether it was in the classroom, on the sports field, or the playground. As a teenager, I moved ten times and fought to establish myself in the pecking order when I came to a new school. Competing in sports helped. I excelled in sports In all the high schools I attended. I held positions of leadership on sports teams too as well as on my high school and college newspapers. In my adult life I coached, led church ministries, and as director of special programs supervised and trained staff .

Again, I don't think Dom is something I became. I did choose a more formal and informed way of dominance, though, by identifying with and joining the BDSM community, but in or out of it, I am what I am. The BDSM community helps me understand more about who I am and to be better at who I am. Yeah, I'd like to find the piece to my puzzle, too. I'm getting old, though, and a lot less desperate to be in another relationship. I'm in a place in my life now where I don't need someone to be happy, but I'd jump on someone who could make me happier

Ninaa​(sub female) • Sep 7, 2025

The answers are varied and interesting

Re: a question for Doms

Heart of Persephone​(sub female)​{owned} • Sep 7, 2025

Yes I worded my question a little to vague, then I realized. In my mind the question is clear and to the point, but no one else is in my mind to know what I meant. I think you explained it rather well and how I thought my question was asked.

I should have been more specific and in-depth to my question. It was to mean. - what was your driving force to be a Dom and what molded that? One can be a Dominant person but not be a Dom. All can and do show dominance at times, even that most submissive person can be dominant. But they are not a Dom. How one decides that they want to be a Dom and be fully respectful for another person- their submissive (s). What makes them have the need and ability to do so. So that is what my question was to mean.

I know now that when I ask a question I need to really explain said question, not assume all know how I think.

GaySadoMasochist​(sadist male) • Sep 12, 2025

I used to be much more of a switch but eventually I just started having a deficit of control over my life and wanted more, pushing me to be a dom

Edit: Ignore this I said the same thing some time ago thinking this was a new topic XD

DrKrall​(dom male) • Sep 30, 2025

My first girlfriend tricked me into buying a book on sex practises. Then she wanted to try some of the stuff in the book so we tried this crazy thing called bondage. I felt silly but I tied her to the bed and fucked her and she came as never before. It was wild. We tried the other way around too but that did nothing to us, so we accepted she was supposed to be the sub and I was supposed to be the Dom as we continued to explore S&M (which was what it was called back then).

Outdoor man​(sadist male) • Oct 6, 2025

Hi Tanya! Is there some misspelling going on?

CapnRick​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2025

Well, HoP,

I met a strong tour group owner while on deployment in the Med who craved to submit and be controlled/used. Over the course of a long weekend in port, the lightbulb finally lit, and I realized I was a Dom who had never learned there was such a thing, or a culture around it....so sometimes a submissive who won't settle for vanilla can bring out the Dom in an otherwise clueless vanilla man. All I knew prior to her was that I craved doing thing which I was led to believe were frowned on --not PC. Her showing me our alternate world was a life-changing experience for me....since you asked.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2025

Growing up, I got to see the man AND the woman lead. Watching a woman lead looked and felt unnatural, incomplete, wrong. That tells me, I was always dominant, even if there wasn't a name for it.

That being said I was a romantic. I enjoy doing things for a woman. Making her feel good makes me feel good. But I was never taught that being too nice would repel women. So I've learned through trial and error how to balance this.

Being dominant for me, means being in control but not controlling. Taking the lead with pride and joy. That's me.