Initial messages

Initial messages

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jan 14, 2019

I would love to hear the opinions/perspectives of other subs and Dom/mes on here, regarding the matter of sending out initial messages to someone who interests you. This doesn’t have to necessarily be as a potential partner, but even friendship.

I have personally never been the one to reach out and message a Dom first, but I have reached out to a few subs in the past. This is not because I haven’t found any Dom/mes interesting enough to message, but rather that I just assumed that, when I first joined, it was the responsibility of the Dom/me to message us subs. But I’ve recently spoke to a few Doms who prefer subs reaching out to them ... and one who even insists on it and thinks it should be the sub who seeks the Dom/me of their choosing.

So what do you all think? Does it really matter either way?

Also, wondering if maybe this is perhaps linked to possible rejection fears? Does this affect you reaching out to someone you find interesting? This is because I’ve seen a lot of discussion lately focusing around people not messaging back.

Misanthrope • Jan 14, 2019

Good morning, kitty,

I hope your had a good weekend and it wasn't too terribly chilly over there. As far as who should contact whom first, I honestly feel that we miss so many opportunities to interact with someone when we stand on some farcical protocol. If a dom interests you, say hi. If another sub interests you, say hi. They might not have noticed you yet and it would be a shame to miss connecting with someone because of that. Just my extremely humble opinion.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jan 14, 2019

People before kink. If you would reach out to a person on a regular site, why wouldn’t you here ? There’s been no dynamic discussed between you and a stranger, plus this is not a protocol site. Go for it.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jan 14, 2019

I agree with both that it’s people > kink. I haven’t myself reached out because I initially assumed .. when I joined as a newbie that i shouldn’t. Then when I knew better, I had already formed friendships and so never bothered trying to connect with anyone else.

I’m just more curious about what others do and whether they assume or have preference one way or another. Also, I know a lot get fed up with the lack of responses, games etc and wondered if maybe this put them off reaching out again only to feel rejected?

Thanks x

Misanthrope • Jan 14, 2019

Ah... I understand. Well, I just assume that I'm god's gift to the world and everyone should be jumping up and down in attempts to contact me.

To be nakedly honest, I am a very strong INFP, which is a bit of a bizarre combo for a dominant person, but basically it means I'm in my own little world. I tend not to notice people until they put themselves in my path for some reason. So, in my case, if someone doesn't say hello, there's a good chance we'll never speak to each other.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 14, 2019

I am the same way Josh - INFP, which I agree is odd for a Dominant haha. Because of that I tend to have a similar mentality. It's part of what took me longer than most to begin dating, my now-husband had to reach out to me, I didn't even really consider reaching out to him even though I was interested haha.

As for starting messages, I only do so for friendship as I'm in a committed monogamous relationship, but depending on interactions with the person before hand or how they seem by what's written on their profile, I /sometimes/ will message first, if I have a true desire to talk. Otherwise, it's usually the other person who initiates contact. I'm rather shy outside of my relationship and close friendships, which makes it difficult to make new friends haha. So I'm usually not the one to first message. But, it's a trait in myself that I'm trying to change. I don't /like/ being shy, and as I'm gaining more and more confidence in myself it's definitely going away. But its still a struggle when it comes to one-on-one interactions haha.

As for who should message first, I don't feel like either position really has that as a priority. Kinda like how I don't think men should be the first one to reach out for romantic interest, as was the norm back in the day. If a woman wants to initiate, go for it girl! And obviously I don't see why subs can't/shouldn't message first, as it was my own who messaged me first haha.

People are people. The titles really shouldn't scare people off.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 14, 2019

Shockingly Dom/mes can be insecure, fear rejection, and be quite clueless.

So I encourage s types to reach out and contact them.


If you are interested go for it.

If the D type answers with some ridiculous answer about how the s type is out of line then you know they are an asshole.


For me, I like it when I am reached out to. I am always so busy at events. Doing the door, organizing, addressing needs, that I dont have time to approach others.

Come to think of it I was doing the door on Sat when an s type approached me for play!! Lol!! I had completely forgotten until just now!!!

Pushupstairs​(dom male) • Jan 16, 2019

It's been suggested on occasion that I am human and not a robot, so in the interest of shared humanity I have to agree with many of the fine people who posted ahead of me that there is nothing to be lost by saying 'hello!'

We're all people regardless of our chosen interests.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 16, 2019

Ditto on the saying "hello" and "people first, kink second"
I under stand the femsub perspective when looking partners as traditionally the 'gender' roles do play out that way (sucks but its true!*shrugs)
I also find it interesting, that lot of heteronormative male submissive will wait for a Domme to reach out. A lot just sit and wait thinking a profile is enough, like showing up up is all that is needed. I think the over and abundance of Maledom lit and media etc doesnt help. Its often forgotten by <i>some</i> male submissives, that dominant or not, a female does often prefer to be "woed" in the traditional way...Dommes often aren't any different (sorry if this reads as over generalizing )

DrWakko • Jan 16, 2019

If you find someone interesting I suggest reaching out. Depending where you come from and when you joined a community (real life) depends on the who contacts who first. When it comes to play I will NEVER reach out to a bottom and say I want to play. If a bottom wants to play they have to contact me.

When it comes to wanting to try to start a relationship its tough being a male. Since males harass the crap out of females on sites like this even the most innocent message can be deleted because a female is so used to guys just trying to get into their pants. Because of that I am hesitant to message someone because I feel it will just get thrown in the trash without the person reading it.

If you are interested in someone just send them a message saying hi and that you like their profile and let them do the rest.

DW