What to ask to a Dom

What to ask to a Dom

Shaynna​(switch female)​{looking} • Mar 12, 2019

Hello.
I'm new to BDSM and I'm searching for my first Master.
Since we are talking online first and only, later on, meet personally, it's hard for me to decide.
Any suggestions on which type of questions should I ask? And what kind of stuff should make me vet them right away?
It will be my first Master so I'm scared of not finding a good one.

Thank you
Shaynna

CrimsonPaw • Mar 12, 2019

Hi, and welcome! Being new to BDSM, I would recommend spending time getting to know yourself a bit more before getting know any Dom's. Also, much like the vanilla world, become friends first. Surround yourself with submissives who have been here awhile as they will help you the best regarding vetting when the time is right. Don't rush. Avoid sub frenzy. Hope this helps. Be safe, and have fun.

Shaynna​(switch female)​{looking} • Mar 12, 2019

Thank you Amber.

I have experience with spanking, choking and verbal abuse, it simply wasn't a fully dom/sub.
Since I joined here on The Cage, I have talked with around 20 doms and it's exhausting lol. I totally agree that would be nice to talk with other subs, i never met one

Kara​(sub female)​{Dark Roast} • Mar 12, 2019

Honestly, ask anything that you feel like asking. If someone doesn’t have anything to hide, they’ll be open, honest, and give full answers.

I ask about previous dynamics, number of previous partners, reasons why it didn’t work, and time of last STD test. I ask if they participate in their local community, their limits, their skills, and their preferences. If it could have a bearing on my decision, I ask.

Shaynna​(switch female)​{looking} • Mar 12, 2019

Thank you Kara, i haven't thought in some of those

Asteria​(neither female) • Mar 12, 2019

You can ask them how they define certain roles - we all perceive them differently, there is no one way of doing things in BDSM, so verifying whether their definitions are compatible with what you need and / or want is crucial.
You can ask them about their limits. - we all have limits, and claiming that someone has no limits, should rise your attention, as it might be a possible red flag.
Ask them questions not related to kink - it will allow you to know the actual person, not only kinky side of that person. It might also be a nice way to see who is in a rush and not really willing to take their time to know you as well.

Important thing to remember is that asking questions is one thing - at the beginning most of people wants to present themselves in the best possible way, so it might be tricky. But actions speak louder than words - try to observe how (if ever) they interact with other people here.

But also... take your time. I know it is probably the last thing you might want to hear when everything is new and exciting.
First of all, take your time to talk to people, both Dominants and submissives - it will give you opportunity to listen to different point of views and different opinions. Ask as many questions as possible, even ones that you might think are silly - the truth is that there are no silly questions. This will also allow you to make friends, and those are priceless in the lifestyle.
Secondly, always listen to your gut. If something does not feel right for you, then it probably isn't. If someone tries to convince you that "a real submissive" would do this or that, remember that there is no such term as "a real submissive", we are all different and have different needs (and that's OK).
Thirdly, keep in mind that at any stage you have the right to say no. Everything should be consensual. What is more - your "no" should not be perceived as something bad.
And last but not least... don't give up. It might take you some time to find someone suitable for you, but that does not mean you should settle for less. Hell no!


Good luck

Shaynna​(switch female)​{looking} • Mar 12, 2019

Thank you very much Asteria.
I've been reading the forum and so far i learned several important things. I have a abusive background so even though I'm looking forward to do all I want to try irl I really want to take my time and choose wisely

AKittenforSir​(sub female)​{JohnBond} • Mar 12, 2019

All of what has been said above is very important and should be considered. But also keep in mind that it’s still a relationship that you’re looking for. “Relationship” can having many meanings, but regardless of how you define it, you’re going to want chemistry. So yes, talk about all the BDSM things (preferences, limits, experience, etc.) but also get to know them as a person, just like you would if you met a stranger in a bar. Ask about their jobs, their families, their hobbies, how they spend their Tuesday nights. All of your fantasies and limits may line up, but if there’s no spark or connection then you’re still going to hit a dead end.

Kara​(sub female)​{Dark Roast} • Mar 12, 2019

This. Absolutely this. I think that many of us focused on the fact that this person was already seen as a prospective Dom and fast forwarded our thoughts. Before I have been attracted to someone and drawn to think of entering into something, it’s always been because of massive compatibility on as person to person level.

I actually bonded with Master over a love of pub grub and dive restaurants that had great food. OMG, and buffalo wings....can’t forget those. We never would have even considered getting into any kink talk if I had been the type of a girl who would turn up her nose at a road trip to grab a truly decent chili dog.

Shaynna​(switch female)​{looking} • Mar 13, 2019

That is definitely a must for me, and reason why I won't choose a dom until I meet him a couple of times irl and see if there is chemistry and a connection