Disobient sub

Disobient sub

Flippyn • Jun 18, 2019

Right now I'm in an online relationship with a new sub. It's been less than a week but as an inexperienced dom it still bothers me. Sometimes she does not obey my orders or tasks I give her (quite simple ones). What should I do in this kind of situation?

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2019

First of all, I am going to apologize up front, for what I am about to say is not only going to be something you don't want to hear, but will probably make you feel some kind of way. Standard caveat applies, this is my opinion ONLY and does not purport to be "the truth, the light and the way."

My friend the fact that you have to ask this question tells me you are way in over your head. I get the allure of wanting a "sub" and how sexy and glamorous that all is. But, as a Dominant you are responsible for many things, but most of all you are responsible for yourself and your actions. Please before you move another muscle, take some time to learn what being Dominant entails and what your role and responsibilities are. Some of the activities you may become involved in, even through the internet, have the potential to injure, maim or even kill people. I plead with you to heed my advice, mainly for the sake of your "sub."

I am of the opinion that a Dominant must first learn to control themselves, before they can hope to control another. Please do the "right" thing and take some time to learn more about BDSM, Domination and submission. Your "sub" will be better off for it and you might actually learn some fun and interesting things. A casual internet search will lead you to untold wonders! And while I am always concerned over the veracity of the information found during said internet search, in this case am MUCH more concerned with the clueless apparently leading the blind.

Flippyn • Jun 18, 2019

The thing is I've done some research and triwd to imply it. For example I just asked her to adress me as sir and she just decided not to do it. I'm still doing my research, but if I can't imply it, what am I supposed to do? If she does not want to do something, there is no sense in trying to punish her because she won't do it anyway. I know I have to be responsible with my doings and never ordered something that could hurt my sub.
Do you have any advice on that? Or am I wrong here and should change something?

Justme26 • Jun 18, 2019

Sorry to echo the comment above but there are some things that you can order a sub to do and some she will do when she is ready. Calling you Sir is one of the latter. Other than that do you talk enough? Do you have a contract? I know its frustrating.

Phanes​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2019

I have to concur with Soulweaver on most of what he has said. I would like to add, did you and this sub have a sit-down in the beginning of this relationship to discuss expectations, needs, desires, Trust, respect, and actions versus consequences?
What I'm getting out of what I had read from you is that she does not seem to have any respect of you. Just because he don a on a title of "Dominant" does not Garner you automatic respect. Respect is earned through extensive conversation and building the personal relationship between the two parties before you should expect her to submit to you.
If you're one who expects someone to bow to you before you earn the right for someone to submit to you, then she will never respect what it is that you ask of her.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2019

I am going to agree with Mr @Soulweaver above in that, as an inexperienced Dom you should be extremely cautious about real tasks/orders that could have the potential to cause harm.

I do assume that you have common sense and I think it is good that you ask for advice here. My first few relationships (that were online) I found to be very difficult in knowing how to react to certain circumstances - it is going to be difficult, you will make mistakes (relationship ones) and you will learn to be more in tune and calibrated to your partner. It will get easier.

Of course... all this is just my own experience and opinion.

The first thing I would say is that if you are in the position of talking about punishments this early in the relationship then my friend you have already lost control of the dynamic. I have mixed views on punishments as they so often are counterproductive but they are not going to work here. For sure, a punishment this early in the relationship, before your partner is invested in you, will not work and may not be carried out.

This reminds me of the traveller who stops to ask for directions to a nearby town, only to be told ...'well, ... i would not start from here'.

My opinion is that you should go through a lengthy period of getting-to-know-you conversations before entering a dynamic. You should discuss many topics that are kink and non-kink and the girl gets to understand your motives and character, you get to understand her limits, worries and goals. At the end of this period your partner will want to enter in a dynamic with you (because you will have demonstrated how amazing you are) and you will have less problems with tasks not being carried out. My own method, that works well for me, is that I get to know someone by talking to them over a week or two before entering a dynamic (perhaps 10 hours real time text conversation) and then if agreed go into a low level dynamic for two weeks of a trial period. The trial, for me, is used to establish routines, understand her in as many ways as possible, and to find out if the two of you are compatible (surprise fact: not all Doms are suitable for all subs, and not all subs are suitable for all Doms).

A note on tasks. It is important that the sub understands the reason for each task and you should be able to explain, calmly, the reason behind it. Although I have met some people who do enjoy mindless tasks, the majority do not. Tasks where the sub does not understand the reason, or where she does not agree that it has merit, will cause resentment. Remember that the girl is not a robot and the majority of subs wish to be valued and treasured. I would suggest talking to your girl about your relationship medium/long term aims and structure the tasks around those goals.

I would also say that my own experience is that some subs really appreciate tasks and this can become an important part of the dynamic. Other subs however really do not cope with tasks very well at all. You need to figure that out for your sub. The way to do that is to discuss, ahead of time, the concept of tasks and whether you even want to try that, what you expect, what she expects ... then you try one. Once that is done you sit and discuss how it went, good things, bad things, how you felt giving the task, how she felt doing the task, how you both felt once complete and how to move forward. Its a slow process that involves much communication but it results in a strong dynamic.

I wish you well.

Hazel Eyes​(sub female){Lion} • Jun 18, 2019

[quote="Flippyn"] For example I just asked her to adress me as sir and she just decided not to do it.

I have to respond to this part of the forum on a subs perspective.... i would choose not to call someone Sir/Master until i felt comfortable that i can trust him... it is not out of disrespect or being disobedient... How long was the vetting? That plays a major role as well... If there was no established relationship before moving forward, there could be emotional stress on her end... earn the trust of a sub before moving on... know her inside, outside sideways and backwards... understand her needs and wants... she resists find out why... what is the underlying? There may be a reason she is not comfortable with calling you Sir as of yet....

As i have mentioned i am stating this on a subs point of view... best of wishes

Flippyn • Jun 18, 2019

Thank you everyone for your help. I will keep in mind what you told me andbtake it into consideration. As an inexperirnced dom it's nice to have someone to give you an advice. Thank you once again !

Bunnie • Jun 19, 2019

Respect works both ways. Take away the concept of tasks and play... do you feel that she respects you? Do you feel that she has the capacity to?

I see it as a two-way street. Yes... it is your responsibility to become a Man deserving of respect and capable of leadership. It is also her responsibility to become a female who will learn to give respect and follow your lead.

Together, it is the responsibility of you both to each respect your “role” within the dynamic and create something that works for you both.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Jun 19, 2019

Honestly man, I think you're jumping the shark here. You definitely need to stop and reevaluate where you stand as a Dom.

-being called a certain title isn't typically demanded on the fly. It's either discussed during the first talk about expectations, or it simply arises naturally.

-having to ask "what should I do?" tells a lot. There should've been established punishments for disobedience, again, during the first talk.

It sounds like she's testing you, seeing how you handle being pushed. Coming here for advice was the best course of action. The most common punishment used in long distance relationships is being ignored. The sub has to go without contact or instruction from their Dom for a set amount of time.

Now ask yourself, would she even care if she didn't hear from you for a day? If the answer is no, then that says she's really not invested your dynamic, and you should take a step back to reevaluate everything.