I was probably around six years old when I first realised I was “different.” My best friend at the time told me one of her fantasies and I knew her and I weren’t considered the norm. We spent so much time together, everyone thought we were lesbians... it turns out she was... I never realised, and I never realised she loved me. We played around together and being quite butch, she was the dominant one who suggested what we do and how we do it, which I didn’t mind... I was up for anything lol... however, I kind of went exploring on my own as well. When I met a boy, she became possessive and jealous and left our friendship because it hurt her too much that I couldn’t love her how she wanted.
Everything about what I had explored and experienced seemed natural, however at some point I learned that it wasn’t considered natural, and I wasn’t to share any of my “true desires” with anyone.
Pretty woman was one of my favourite movies, however, not because of the “whore to princess” concept... I was fascinated by the whore concept... being used like that. I fantasised about being someone’s whore from the moment that movie came into my viewing... and then being “owned” like that.
Although I always knew it was simply a natural part of me, I spent all my time and focus working out how to satisfy some of my needs without stepping outside of what was considered socially acceptable. Even then, I was still considered the pretty wild one by my group of friends... the one who if you wanted to experiment, would be up for it. When my girlfriends all began going through the curious stages of wanting to experience threesomes etc, they all came to me lol. However, when a few of their boyfriends asked me to have affairs, I realised that had to stop.
So I settled... found a nice boy, and did the “girlfriend” thing. It was nice. He is a very good man who still holds a fond place in my heart. During that time, I was introduced to a few things by a friend of my sister who gave me a book to read... let’s just say... it certainly wasn’t fifty shades lol... I wasn’t surprised by much at that point in my life, but wowsers, that one knocked me for a six. It opened up a whole world (of sadomasochism)... and freaked me out lol. I thought that if that was what the world I was curious about was like, I wasn’t having any part of it. It really scared me... but what scared me the most was how turned on I was by it. The old feelings of thinking there was something severely wrong with me resurfaced... until I could push it all away and ignore it... again.
Anyway, without making this a novel, there were many instances and beautiful people along the way who obviously saw “me” when I couldn’t, and who tried to gently nudge me in the direction of my more authentic self, however I had too much fear of being rejected. I still do! Although it’s much less now, I still don’t share my “true desires” with anyone except those close to me... but at least I finally get to voice them now
So, after venturing a bit further down the “wrong” life path, I eventually found myself in a situation that finally revealed to me what I was.
I went online and began researching, and came across a whole other world... my world... the one where I had belonged all this time, but simply never knew. I had always been drawn to kink as porn, but it had only ever been porn to me. The day I found a blog written by a slave and read of her life, I knew I had come home.