Initiating the conversation in the “real-world”...

Initiating the conversation in the “real-world”...

annabellestasia​(sub female) • Jan 14, 2020

You meet someone. They have dominant tendencies during sex. Great. But, they aren’t a Dom. I’m not a trained sub. Is it possible to learn together? Has anyone any experience of this? If so, how did you initiate the conversation?

Perhaps I’m over complicating it, but I watched “The Piano Teacher” yesterday on the recommendation within a forum here, and I’m now eternally fearful I’ll describe my darkest fantasies to someone & they’ll basically implode and think I’m twisted. Lol.

K y i v • Jan 14, 2020

The blind leading the blind? An exercise in frustration-- in my observations.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 14, 2020

I mean I am obviously not experienced myself but I would say, while yes it is probably a possibility with lots of research and work on the part of both parties (attending classes, reading, possibly having a more experienced mentors to help); I would guess having a more experienced partner would be helpful. Just because they’re “dominant” in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily mean they’re truly a Dom.

LordofPain56 • Jan 14, 2020

I once met a girl who wanted a date. I immediately told her that I was a sadistic Dom and that I would eventually tie her up and whip her before I had my way with her.
She had an innocent smile on her face before I spoke, but after I told her that, her eyes burst wide open and her lower jaw dropped to her belly button in shock.
When she regained some composure, she asked; are you going to hurt me. Yes, I replied, but I will never cause you injury because it is my job to protect you from injury.
Tell ya what, I said to her; Let me take you to dinner and then we'll go to my house where I will give you a list of all my characteristics, good and bad along with a narrative of what a Dom/sub relationship is like.
She followed me to the car.
We had a nice dinner, then I took her home and gave her the list. She read it and gave me her phone number, then I took her home. We got together several times after that and sometimes spent whole weekends together.
Eventually, she disappeared.

Erick​(sub male) • Jan 15, 2020

Lovers have been figuring out how best to please each other since the beginning of time. And what is nowadays officially called "BDSM" has always been a part of the natural repertoire of lovers. And sex workers too, of course. You can see it depicted lovingly in ancient murals and in ancient poetic texts.

It is only very recently--within the past couple of decades; the "politically correct" era--that the strange notion has arisen that people need lessons or coaching or seminars or guide books about how to do these kinds of things "the right way." It's sort of like taking classes in how to eat.

Which seems to me particularly ironic, since this is not only the era of "political correctness," but also the era of never-ending pornographic images and scenarios--a cornucopia of every kind of fantasy that a person could possibly have. And this is also the era when celebrities brag about how kinky they are. It's really not considered shameful anymore. Not by most people. It's considered chic.

When my wife and I first met, back in the late boomer era, it was not chic. And yet, our shyness about our mutual desire for kinky sex didn't last very long, even though we had very little to go by, except Victorian pornography that had been nearly out of print for nearly a century.

If the two of us had just met today, I think our understanding of each other would have developed a lot more easily. We would simply click on a movie of some kind, and one of us would say "What do you think about that?" And the next thing you know, we'd be on Amazon, shopping for whips.

DrWakko • Jan 15, 2020

Yes you can learn together. I have heard one of the best ways to do this is either go to your local sex shop and point out things you like and ask your partner if they like them too or would like to try them. This can also be done by going to sex toy websites if you don't have a sex shop near you. This goes for books as well as toys.

The other way is to talk about porn that gets you off and watch that kind of porn with your partner. Ask them what kind of porn they like. Try to combine the acts you both like in your sex / foreplay.

Also when talking to someone on a dating site or about dating let them know up front that you have an interest in kink and in submission. This way they aren't blindsided.


Good luck

DW

Solidbobtheflamingo​(dom male){Megagem} • Jan 15, 2020

Yes you can start of together I know several couples that did that and are very happy. As for how to bring it up I would just recommend being upfront and asking if they would like to try. If they say no then it is OK you can proceed with the relationship if you wish there are a few options in this event. You could get a Dom or top besides your partner (I have seen this work and people be happy, just requires trust and honesty). The other option which I wholeheartedly say to NEVR do is to try and go without, this will make you resentful and unhappy at best.

As for finding what you like it is really just you seeing what you want to try then doing it when you are safe and comfortable. You can go to munches or events to make friends in the community people are usaly very nice at these and most are willing to help with any questions.

Good luck I am rooting for you and hope it goes well

Darrell​(dom male) • Jan 15, 2020

Yes it is possible, My first experience started out with me supposedly being the sub, But she couldn`t dominate me and she switched, I was the only person she had ever been submissve to and I had never been dominant to anyone before.

We were basically starting from scratch so to find out our limits etc what we liked and didn`t like we wrote to each other on messenger(Would be just texting these days lol) tell stories etc. even though we were in the same house and if something turned us on we tried it if it had the opposite effect we just moved on and eventually we both learned what we loved and didn`t. And trust me we tried a lot, foot play, watersports etc.

I have never been into the rougher side of it, I dont like the hitting part whips etc. are not my thing. Mines more psychological, teasing, denial things like that but it took us a good year to work out the kinks(Pun not intended lol)

So basically it`s all about trial and error and it wont happen overnight but its definitely do-able and hey at least ya can have a lot of fun getting there lol

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jan 15, 2020

Hello AS
In my online Profile (pre-Kitty) I always said: “It takes Time, Trust and Honesty”
This applies in the real world too.

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=28559&postid=5389

In real life, I always felt it was too overwhelming and scary (for a woman) for me to try to explain about being a Dom.
I therefore just used to say I was a D-type (in the bedroom) if the conversation lent itself to that.
If there was interest, the conversation would continue ....lead by the person I was chatting to, with their questions..
If not, no worries.

Hope this helps.
FC

Manda Panda​(sub female) • Jan 15, 2020

I brought it up to a gentleman who I was talking to from FB Dating, and next thing I know I get a dick pic. I'm like "Okay, I didn't ask for that".
His reply: Lol oh get kinky lol
Me: My kinks don't make me any less of a lady (insert emojis)
Him: Didn't say it did lol
Me: Hmph... Better not
And that was that. I wonder if I'll hear from him ever again Lmao
Think I'll stick to trying to find a true Dom and get off that site lol