"rules"

"rules"

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Feb 25, 2020

I feel like, in BDSM, there are all these protocols that were supposed to follow or care about. I know a lot of these stem from old guard leather clubs. I don't mean rules that dominants make up for their subs. I mean the fact that dominants are often assumed to wear the master hats; or how, as a dominatrix, I'm not supposed to wear a collar; or the capitalizing all dominant pronouns, even if you're referencing someone who isn't YOUR_ dominant.

Which rules do you follow, and which do you ignore? Do you think these rules matter? Do you think they matter more at a social gathering than at home?

I personally loathe the stupid little master hats. I will never ever wear one. Anywhere. For any reason. I think they look like hats worn by juvenile Victorian chimney sweeps or posh goth yacht owners. This is purely my opinion. You do you.

I love wearing collars. They look good on me. They emphasize my already exaggerated neck length, and usually ensure a dark color is nearer to my face than any other, which compliments my complexion. I see them more as chokers than collars. Amusingly, I've just read that the oldest recorded wearing of a choker was by a Mayan ruler, and they they've been favoured by the ruling classes since the days of yore.

I feel that the obsessive capitalization of dominant pronouns and "decapitalizing" submissive pronouns, regardless of proper grammar practises, extremely annoying and pretentious. "she" does not belong at the beggining of a sentence, nor does "He" belong in the middle. It's awkward to read. Additionally, as a dominant, expecting anyone outside your agreed dynamic to capitalize your pronouns is pretty damned narcissistic and self absorbed. I also disagree with it as your sub isn't actually a lesser person than you are, nor are you more important. I find it disrespectful. If people in a relationship wish to flout grammatical protocol referencing eachother that's fine, but please don't barf it all over the entire community.

Assumed titles/pronouns outside of a relationship. This is a protocol I do like. Unfortunately, especially online, this seems to be increasingly, flagrantly, ignored. Do not refer to me as Master Meg, Domme Meg, Dominatrix Meg, Mommy(never), Mistress Meg, Miss Meg, Madam, or Ma'am*. I am not in a relationship with you. Even if you hope to be in a relationship with me, do not refer to me as if you are. Similarly, I do not refer to others with titles like Baby, Babe, Squish, etc. that signify a familiarity to which I am not entitled.

If you've introduced yourself as Mistress Olivia**, and I am referencing you, I will probably refer to you as Mistress Olivia. If we become friends, and are therefore of equal social standing, there's no way in hell I'm calling you Mistress Olivia. This ties into both of my last two points. If we are friends, it's a bit pretentious to expect to be referred to with an honourific, and you are not MY mistress so it feels a little creepy to be calling you that.

Another protocol that I appreciate is kind of tied to titles. I like the concept of treating everyone as neutral parties until entering into an agreed upon relationship. Assuming that every girl you trip over longs to kneel before your majestic cock after a good whipping is a bit shortsighted. Flooding the Inbox of every domme with your golden shower fantasy is equally foolish.

I can't think of any others right now, but if like to hear your thoughts on protocols. Do they matter? Which ones and how much do they matter?

* unless ma'am is the female default in your local linguistic variance, as is the case with the good ol' southern boys

** I made up Mistress Olivia. If she's a real person, that's coincidence.

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Feb 25, 2020

Honestly, I will not refer to anyone as Master or Sir until I submit. I find it annoying when Dominants ask that immediately because my thoughts are that Dom and sub are on same level until that point. Of course, that doesn't mean Dom shouldn't be respected, but when one asks to be referred to with capitals or referenced to by title before that takes place, I am turned off. And I will never kneel before anyone unless I have given myself. This is a very serious thing for me and I don't take it lightly.
Just because someone is a Dom or Domme doesn't mean every sub should do these things. When the right one/ones do, it will have no meaning otherwise.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 25, 2020

I capitalize titles, such as Sir and Master/Mistress, but I find capitalizing pronounces to be silly and very difficult to read. I also capitalize Dom/Domme, but I view them as titles and not just descriptions.

A rule that I’ve found to be highly enforced by some and completely disregarded by others is eye contact from submissives. I’ve known Doms who strongly believe that their submissives eyes are for them only. I’ve also known of Doms who do not even permit their subs to make eye contact with them. On the other side of the coin, you see many pictures posted here and other kink sights in which subs post selfies in their profile pics to show off their pretty alluring eyes, and Doms posting similar pictures of their subs.

TheDankLord​(switch male) • Feb 25, 2020

Yeah, people demanding to be called by a title/pronoun immediately after I meet them is a huge turnoff for me too. I had that happen to me one time, I was chatting online with a dom I'd just met and she was insisting I call her Mistress and wanted me to come over to her place to play on the first date. I requested that we meet in a vanilla setting first, and expressed I would like us to get to know one another a bit before before proceeding with any BDSM activity, and she would not listen. Needless to say I did not communicate with her any further.

BDSM is a lot of fun but it requires a lot of trust and the two people need to have chemistry with one another. I'm not opposed to moving fast either, sometimes people "click" really well and a high level of trust and attraction develops really quickly. But that does not ALWAYS happen, and in those cases where it does not its important to be able to interact without immediately demanding that the person behave as if they were already your sub or dom.

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2020

I believe I don't enforce many "core" rules. Core being rules which are common between subs of mine. I enforce referring to me as Sir with a capital for full respect of the title, and I enforce trust/honesty. For committed subs, I ask them to wear a choker similar to what I wear daily and can be seen in my profile picture. I then enforce that once they choose it/me that it stays in at all times.

Any and all other rules are unique to the dynamic, and I expect them to benefit the sub or the both of us. I never enforce rules that only benefit me.

Rules are only enforced with my subs. (I confess I don't capitalize sub to remind them of the power exchange). I never expect others or potentials to follow those until we have committed on some level. As you say, people are equals until I am elected their better.

As for what I wear and how I speak, I do as I will. If I am truly in control I don't see how it can be any other way. This is not to convey a lack of respect. I may refer to you as Lady Meg, ma'am, or even my lady but it's an honorific for a human, not a lesser or greater individual. Similarly, like I said I wear a choker, I wear what I want, when I want. I don't view myself as a sub or lesser Dom from a single black chord at my throat.

My disclaimer is thus, I don't claim to be a great Dom, or even a good one. I claim only to be me and what I have to offer. If that attracts others, then I am pleased. Should others decide amongst themselves to strip me of the title "Dom", that is independent of my care. I have my own definition of the word, as do they.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 26, 2020

I would like to correct one thing here-
These rules do not stem from old guard and or leather clubs.

Most of those rules died when the internet entered our lives.

The rules that you see now are more based in media. Books, movies, folk lore.
The capital/lower case is not old guard. Its gorean.




When we stop and think about it:
The earliest recorded BDSM that we know of was in 5 BC.

As far as I am concerned - I have a few rules that matter:


Dont touch my slaves collar
Respect play rules - dont interrupt a scene or aftercare ect...
If you want to show respect come to me first with a request. But if you go to my beloved first - ok with me .
If you want to show me deepest respect call me Bear. If not ok.

I dont follow other people rules because I am NOT in a NEGOTIATED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.


If somebody asks you to follow rules or chastises you because you don't and you do not have a negotiated relationship with them. File them under "asshole" and move on.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 26, 2020

On the subject of corrections:

Fifth CENTURY BCE.

(Though actually, there are written references to S&M going back to the early years of the first MILLENNIUM BCE.)

As for rules:

I'm just a nutty anarchist, so nobody should listen to me. But personally, I do think it is lamentable that the practice of what is now called "BDSM" has in recent years become sclerotic with all kinds of arcane jargon and procedures and protocols that often cause its high poobahs to vehemently argue about which of their understandings is "correct," like the internecine battles between the Lilliputians and the Blefuscudians about how to eat boiled eggs.

What's most remarkable about this lamentable state of affairs is that sado-masochism, by its very nature, is wild and elemental. So when it becomes byzantine with regimentation, it suggests nothing so much as the history of the American religious group known as the "Shakers," who flourished in the Colonial era under the leadership of a charismatic woman named Ann Lee, who led her followers in ecstatic, free-form dancing (hence the sect's name), but who virtually died out about a hundred years later. This was largely because, as the group grew in popularity, and after Ms Lee died, the sect's orthodoxies increased in complexity, legalistically dictating every detail of the lives of worshippers, including rules about the blade length of a decorated pocket knife--which was different from the blade length of an undecorated pocket knife--and which foot was to be placed on the first riser when ascending a flight of stairs. (Right foot. Jesus would NOT like it if you put the left foot first.)

Bunnie • Feb 26, 2020

I haven’t thought about this before. I guess off the top of my head, there are definitely a few “rules” I have set for myself:

Unless told otherwise by my Master, I call everyone by what they introduce themselves to me as... unless asked otherwise. That goes for vanilla, kink, planet Mars... whatever.

If someone has a name they prefer... I use it. If that name should happen to include a title, I don’t care. It’s not for me to determine what feels right for them. I’m not a child and neither are they... we both know I don’t belong to them.

In the place I was introduced into this lifestyle, titles *have been earned* so they are respected and used... even by the Masters amongst themselves... of course, unless stated otherwise. As you say, not everyone wants to be addressed by their title. And it doesn’t have to be as stuck up as it’s made out to be. They’re down to earth, easygoing and know how to have a laugh... whilst respecting each other. Amazing huh? Lol

I capitalise Dominant, Master etc... however I don’t feel the need to capitalise every single “He,” “Him,” etc. In fact my last blog (which I’ve hidden now) played on this lol... I was kind of poking fun and doing it randomly. Naughty naughty. I did go through my stage in the beginning of believing it was being respectful and submissively submissive to my Sir, and all other Dominants, so I understand why people do it. It doesn’t bother me if I see it. I think it’s sweet, and generally see it as an indicator as to where they are on their journey. It may not seem like it, but the majority of us seem to go through what I have noticed to be similar “stages” in our growth.

I have come recently to let go of feeling the need to define gender. I used to be a stickler for “Dom,” “Domme,” “Dom/me,” however, nowadays I simply say Dominant. There’s no gender separation for me... of course, unless otherwise asked. This may still cause confusion, I understand, because the term “Dominant” does still have quite a masculine connotation attached to it within the community... especially here.

I see collars as jewellery. Everyone gives them the meaning that is important to them and that’s beautiful. I don’t have a huge fascination with them tbh, unless I’m being led around on my hands and knees by one. Branding and piercing is how I see dedication and commitment as being expressed. There’s no Velcro brands lol.

Aside from those things, for me it’s the usual... I don’t touch anything that doesn’t belong to me, without permission, I don’t gossip or degrade people or listen to rumours, and quietly remove myself from the company of those that do, I treat everyone with civility, and I take responsibility for myself and my actions. I believe most things only become problems due to lack of communication... so I am constantly striving to learn to communicate more effectively.

Oh there’s more! (This is kind of fun lol)...

In regards to play parties or events:
I don’t play with anyone who I haven’t seen play with another first.
I don’t do “pick up play.”
I negotiate everything. Everything.

Ok, I think that’s all again for now

geeklove​(sub male) • Feb 26, 2020

'rules' should ultimately be up to the Dominant, with acceptance by the submissive. Every person and relationship is different.

The capitalization thing. Again should be up to the Dominant. As a Dom and a sub I have paid close attention to it as writing, especially with modern word processors and apps it takes considerable effort and reinforce a submissive mindset. But, am no longer so focused on it

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Feb 27, 2020

Ah, I didn't know. You learn something every day.


Ah, well, the capitalization can doubly fuck riiiiight off then. Gorean subculture is some misogynistic ass shit and it makes my skin crawl. Don't even speak to me if you're into that. I've been accosted by enough gorean fanboys and girls for one lifetime thank you very much.



I absolutely agree