Financially supporting another

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 16, 2020

"I don't understand the problem. I've always earned more, so why shouldn't I split it or pay. There was also a time between my projects my lover had more. If money is a topic you solve it together or alone. But more importantly, if you feel you're used, think you don't get enough for what you "invest", nobody can help you and your relationship. It is none, you already left"

The problem isn't how to split or whether to pay, the problem i have is there are some (as i said, it's not "universal") who really aren't into the person they are with, they don't really love them, they are in it primarily because they want some one to provide for them. And i get that even that can be part of a dynamic some want.

i don't have a problem giving or paying, i do it all the time. It's the expectation that some have that that is what i am there for, that it's my duty to provide that turns it from a loving relationship (to me) to a sort of employee type relationship, a monetary exchange for services. i don't think it "bad' or 'evil,' i even think sex worker is a legitimate trade if someone wants that, i just don't like the way it makes me feel personally. i want to be valued for other parts of who i am, not for my ability to provide money or material stuff or a house. i don't mind doing that, i just don't like it when that is the primary expectation.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Aug 16, 2020

I have in the past financially supported my Dom/partner. Things can happen and helping each other is important but it can get to the point when it feels rude. No concern of how everything is going to be covered. Both of us studying with unpaid work for experience made other work a challenge but just assumed i could cover things and then complain there wasn't enough food, no there wasn't cos i only had so much and everything was worked out for two people paying. Wanted the nicer apartment that wouldn't be affordable. There is laundry needed doing, he always had to do the dishes (he didn't). Then once he finished training, i let him crash on the sofa for a month or two. He got a job and left. Even when he came back to make it work i never knew if he wanted me or a roof over his head.

Honestly my little sub brain started to melt down, not from paying everything but from the responsibility for everything being mine. I had to teach him how to budget too. Do all the shopping and so on while the D/s dynamic fell out of our relationship. He also wanted to me to Top, fair enough, in hindsight it completely switched around. This i really really found difficult.

Sasa​(dom female) • Aug 16, 2020

Ok, understood. I have no experience with people like that, but I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy it.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 16, 2020

^^This.^^

i stayed with someone, and was the financial support, who i love/loved and who said loved me, for 31 years. i the end, she took everything i'd worked for and that served to confirm my feelings while we were together that my provision was the main thing she wanted from me. And i know it did a number on me. i know all people are not like this, even those where on person does the majority of the financial burden. But personally, i can't see myself going into another relationship like that. i need some sort of evidence that a guy is not just looking for me to support him. For me, a guy is not ready for a relationship with me if he cannot demonstrate that is not into it for the money, the support, but is into me as a person.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Aug 16, 2020

I completely understand why. I can't comment past my age but i do know my mum got her house with the logic that most of it she would end up paying for and that as a divorced/ unmarried woman a new contract was likely to be declined by the bank (This is a while back) whereas supposedly this wouldn't be an issue for the guy.... simply i don't know but i don't think this would be an issue today .... it was for my nan tho.

Anyways, some people wonder why i did this sometimes i wonder too but it was because he had given me an opportunity in the past so to me it made things equal. Frankly it sucked, i felt like his housekeeper and mum tidying up after him, thing is he would do the odd set off dishes thinking that was helping out and doing his bit. It made it incredibly hard to work out the relationship dynamic and how to work on it. I felt like i was with a teenager yet he was 25 and a year or two previously offered me a kidney in the process messed his career up. Personally i still think he will do well he just needs to meet the right people.

I just felt used at the end. I never knew if he actually wanted to work on the relationship or even cared anymore. I was exhausted doing what felt like everything. Even when i wasn't i was planning things. I got annoyed at expensive Christmas gifts after i hadn't been able to pay the electricity. I sound like a dick but taking the responsibility off for a month would have helped.... here is the funds here is where they go ... you sort it out this month but it was always me and frankly im your girlfriend partner and submissive i shouldn't have to teach you to budget or when there is no food in suggest you pick some up this week for a change. These are basic life skills and it was exhausting.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Aug 17, 2020

I agree money SHOULD NOT MATTER either way. I have been in vanilla relationship s where we both worked and we both put into a joint account, and shared household work. And have been in those we I was they only one working andhe took care of house and cooking. . And a few bad ones where I was responsible for EVERYTHING.

The point is that if the relationship is a real team thing you BOTH work out what works best for you. In my eyes either both work and share house work or one works and the other looks after the house.
Now dont get me wrong I hate it when I dont feel that i am carring my own weight in the house whether its is helping with paying Bill's or the house work no matter how the relationship is set up

Miki • Aug 17, 2020

This is a thread loaded with long and thoughtful posts. However I'm short on time so I'll just register my thoughts:

Finance and money are tricky bastards. there are those out for the free lunch but there are those whose feelings are genuine and only need a little support until they complete necessary things to qualify for a line of work they want. Such as that student 3 credits short of a degree.. The worker in line for a promotion who has to outlay more than (S)he can bring in.

My 4 cents? Case by case basis! Do not judge a book by its cover!

Ask Questions! Do the Homework! A leech can be easily discovered if one simply takes the time to be observant and ask the (seemingly) tough questions!

There is no Cure All answer to this question in this Hole... or anywhere else!!! It's up to (rhetorical) YOU to do the leg work and decide if a dependent partner is genuinely asking for short term help or a leech who wants a free Baloney sandwich!!

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male) • Aug 17, 2020

Hm, if they do not buy their own toys(outside of gifts) or keep their responsibilities (minus, well I caught a cold and can hardly breath, I broke an arm, legit none excuse reasons), they are mooching.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 17, 2020

i agree, i don't believe there can be a one size fits all answer to this. Despite how some of my posts may read, it's really a wrestling match for me because the reality is i have a nurturing nature have learned i have to protect myself from myself, my inclination to help someone i perceive in need. It's kind of rotten, because people with legitimate need do exist. Hell, it describes all of us at some point or juncture. But some have also learned that they can exploit and manipulate by posturing as one in need. And some are really good at the con, even to the point of conning their selves at times.

The point of intimate relationship, for me, is to connect honestly and deeply with another person. The hardest part of this issue for me is not the money, it's the dishonesty and pretending to connect in one way, while hiding the true motive. I'm sorry i brought so much of my personal stuff into this discussion, but it left a mark on me when someone i love/loved, and who i believed when they said they loved me, proved otherwise. i don't think the person was just blatantly and knowingly looking for a free lunch, i think it was more complicated than that. But in the end, that was what was important to them to such a degree that was their whole focus.

i don't doubt that my past experience has left me shell shocked and more than reasonably cautious about this. my experience is not unique, i know. i appreciate the thoughtful responses here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feelings about this.

ColoRuleSoft​(other male) • Aug 17, 2020

Depends on the nature of the relationship. If I were sole breadwinner, I feel I'd have to be given significant say about financial aspects of our shared life together and I would expect the person who stays at home to be busy, otherwise I would agree, I'd feel the same as the OP does. However, there has been one study that makes the argument that the value of a "stay-at-home" person can be very high (they cite $160K), since if you were to actually try to pay a person to do all the things a good homemaker does, it would very quickly become very expensive. Now, I'm not totally sure about their methodology, but I could see that. Cleaning and coupon clipping themselves can be very valuable to do. Add caring for children and then it becomes more like a job.

Maybe those latter points mean I shouldn't be given privileges, especially as my current income is significantly below that mark. However, just because you are doing the job, doesn't mean you're automatically good at it, nor that you have as much work as that study was assuming. Their big assumption, a 96 hour work week, is... maybe not the most realistic, nor would it be fair to say I only work during the 40+ hours I work in a normal week, as I obviously do stuff at home too. If we convert their per year rate to a per hour rate, we get about $32 an hour, which, I think, is probably a fairer rate to compare to. Then, yeah, if your working some 9-5 job making a nominal 64K a year and your at home partner isn't working all 8 hours that you do every day, then maybe it's fair to say that you might not be getting a fair shake.

If a person accepts that their job is to maintain a house, or indeed wants that, and is actually trying to spend their whole day do doing chores, I honestly couldn't fault them though, even if my income were significantly higher. Different people have different wants and abilities. I think honest effort with proven capability is what people should be looking for in such a relationship. Now, most people aren't going to want to be house-makers for the rest of their lives. Most people want to feel as though they are achieving things in their life that make them out to be a little more significant as a person. However, as I said, if people are happy doing it, why take that away from them?

Then again, many of the people who posted to this thread (though that may just be bias to agree with people) say that they always felt like they were being taken advantage of in these sorts of relationships. Maybe I have a rose-tinted view of things since my mother was stay-at-home and so my siblings and I benefited a lot from that, and I'm still single. My parents didn't have and still don't have a very good marriage. I can't really say why, since they both blame each other. I'd like to think that it's a case where people are not mutually recognizing or respecting what the other is doing, but I really can't say conclusively.

Lastly, the notion of a "traditional" relationship being man, breadwinner; woman, stay-at-home is probably wrong too. Yes, in 1920s or 1950s America, that might have been the ideal that people were told they should strive for, but I don't know if it's actually what happened, nor that the couples themselves wanted it. I think it's probably the best thing most regular people can do for their kids. Having a parent at home who can help them prepare for school, go to the school immediately if their kid has a problem, and who can be there when they get home to ask them about how school was. All that is valuable for building trust and helping a child have a good home life.