I need some advice and to vent

I need some advice and to vent

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 21, 2020

So there has been a lot going on in my life and because I am without a dom to help me, its hitting me a lot harder. And frankly I just need to vent. Basically what's going on is I am the older sister of 2 younger brothers. We have been through 2 divorces and a verbally abusive step mom, we are pretty close. But recently me and the oldest of the 2, J, have become estranged. For the past year or so he has been lashing out, sneaking out, doing drugs (mainly Marijuana), and just overall acting crazy. The thing is that for the last month or so I have become really tired and just burnt out from dealing with his immaturity. I am so exhausted I don't even know how to explain it. About 3 or 4 weeks ago J got upset at me for something (that he couldn't even remember or tell me) and lashed out at me screamed at me and jist treated me horribly when I was trying to apologize and resolve the situation. We were joking and I suppose I may have gone too far
But instead of telling me he just started acting crazy, I didn't want there to be conflict so I apologized and he screamed at me to stfu when I was explaining myself and called me a pussy when I walked away from his screaming. Then when there was a mediator he said I was making him out to be a monster and that he couldn't trust me (this really hurt me). His selfishness has hurt our family alot but we have forgiveness him and jist forgot about it (which I believe is why this behavior continues to repeat). Anyway recently a week ago he attacked my little brother G over some shoes. He thought G took them and when G said he didn't got irrationally upset and slammed him against the wall 3 times and then dragged him across his room. I had to witness this and break it up. When he finally got off G I told him to leave, to get out. He was laughing while G was crying and my mother was upset. I then had to go to work in shambles. He has been staying with my grandmother since then. And I have decided to kinda put some distance and cut our relationship a bit. Now let me clarify I still love him and care for him but I am so sick and tired of our family having to deal with his emotions and actions in this manner. But my mom keeps trying to force me to reconcile with J. And I understand, I do. But I need to see change in him and I haven't. She will continue to hassle me about it and even say things like "I miss J *sigh*" and it makes me feel terrible because am I overreacting? I feel like if we continue to act buddy buddy right after each misbehavior he will continue but everyone else just wants to forgive and forget. Am I crazy? Am I wrong for creating distance and being hurt? Sometimes I feel like maybe I should move out instead so that they can be a happy family and I'm not in the way of that. On the other end I am upset because I feel like my feelings are continuously being ignored. My mom keeps making excuses for him saying that he's dealing mentally but so am I and I hate to compare but I'm not treating people horribly and I have depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I can tell that I'm spiraling downward. I'm always sleeping or tired and don't have a desire to do much art or crocheting anymore. Idk what to do. I want a dominant so maybe he can be a support for me and help me create better habits but I'm terrified of getting hurt. Idk what to do anymore. Any advice? I know this is super long and I doubt anyone will even read it all but I suppose typing it out was nice. Have a good day thanks for listening lol

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Oct 21, 2020

Sweetie , I m sorry that you are dealing with this. Along with the fact that I'm sorry I dont really have any answers for you. Other than being an ear to bend

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Oct 21, 2020

So, being in a situation like that (multiple divorces/verbally abusive parent), you're going to get some kind of "effect" in whoever is being raised in that household. It's a guarantee. How the effect manifests occurs differently - in my own case, I learned to stay quiet and out of the way, while my younger sister got hostile and vocal. Those reactions are developed as a response to the dysfunction in the family, and their development usually starts pretty early and progressively gets worse and worse until the person either matures or leaves.

As your brother matures, hopefully he'll recognize that the effect his life has had on him does a lot more harm to the people around him than good. He's the only one who can really realize that, because approaching him about it is trying to break away at the core reaction he has to how his life treats him. The sudden shift was probably him hitting a major point of puberty? Not sure how old he is. People who do violent things generally develop that trait early. If you're sure that it's a very unusual thing for him to be like this, maybe try figuring out the type of people he's hanging around with.

Regardless of that, I think you should look into moving out on your own or with a friend anyways. The benefits don't sound like a lot on paper - same situation, but no one else in the house. Trust me - it is much, much, much different than that. You don't wake up to yelling. You go to sleep when you get tired, not when you want an excuse to be left alone. You clean the dishes after eating the meal. No one eats your leftovers. You have no obligation to pick up the phone. It is extremely comforting, and I seriously recommend it to you, both with and without your circumstances.

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 21, 2020

@Knightsundere yes he is 16 and he has dealt with anger issues before but it seems that these behaviors have increased and I go to college soon so maybe that will be a good shift for everyone when I move out. I'm stuck for now tho.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Oct 21, 2020

Well, babyTgirl, I've read through your post several times. And was very tempted to stay out of it.

However... **sigh**

Decades ago for reasons too long to go into even if they weren't irrelevant to your question, I made the decision to leave the engineering key at college and move my major to a counseling field. With a specialization in substance abuse.

And spent a long, long time working a primary job in detention units with secondary jobs and volunteer work in various... "human services" fields.

I will clarify right here and right now that you should NEVER just accept what any nameless, faceless person on these infernal-nets tell you blindly. I don't expect you to. And frankly, I would worry if you did accept what I'm about to say without salting it liberally with verification from ten other sources.

First... there is a reason that we had the saying "the alcoholic wraps his arms around the bottle, and the family wraps its arms around the alcoholic." There is a reason that we suggest group therapy for the families of addicts, such as Al-Anon. When we love someone, truly love them, we have a tendency to make excuses for them and accept things from them that we wouldn't put up with from a stranger on the street. We judge and evaluate them differently. This is also what makes it so extremely hard for someone to exit an abusive relationship that just makes absolutely no sense to onlookers.

And it is doing no one any favors to excuse away detrimental behavior. Not the addict. Not the family. Not the abuser. Not the victim of the abuse. In the mind of an addict, or an abuser, when their behavior is excused, it is tacit permission to not only continue the behavior in question, but actually worsen it.

There comes a point when the best thing you can do, for them, for yourself, for everyone involved, is to draw a line in the sand and say, "Thou shalt not pass." This is NOT okay.

And it's not easy. Not any time, but especially when others that you love and care about their opinion are judging YOU rather than the person who is the actual problem. This is why we call it "Tough Love." Because you have to be tough to do it, because it will be tough on you, and because you have to love them enough to be that tough on them rather than be their apologist.

Second,... there is a reason that we try to monitor and restrict what someone under the age of eighteen is exposed to. Their brains are still developing. Connections are still being made in the junctions between the lobes, in particular the transparietal junction. Now, if you look at someone such as Piaget for example, it's already too late. Their base, root personality is set by the age of seven. As it happens, I (and quite a few others that are proponents of Glasser) disagree. While there are roots of a personality, it is never too late for them to be pruned and reshaped. But, the longer the undesirable personality trait is allowed to root, the harder it will be to reshape it into something healthy and safe.

Third... And I'm sorry. Sorrier than I can say. You can't do anything to make him change. Even with training, there is a reason that it is unethical to treat family members. A whole slew of reasons. And most of them go right back to what I said in item one. We tend to treat people differently that we know and "love" than strangers. We tend to view them differently. We tend to act differently towards them.

The very best you can do is EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

"I love you, but your behavior is detrimental to me and people that I care about. I love you, and I miss you, but you do not get to treat me and the other people I love the way you have."

***sigh***

I am not a counselor of any sort. Not anymore.

And even if I were, I won't even try to practice across the miles with someone I don't even know about a subject that I am not fully acquainted with to the smallest jot and tittle. But, you asked for some advice, so here it is.

What you are doing is just fine, as far as it goes. You are protecting yourself and your younger brother from the middle brother's addiction and perpetuation of the cycle of abuse.

Find someone to talk to. Not strangers on the internet who may, or may not, have the credentials to back up offered opinions. Your school counselor will most likely be a bad bet. There are some that are decent, don't get me wrong. But, whatever they studied in school, whatever their intentions were when they began, it is just a fact that for most things other than career advisement they do get rusty because they don't experience it on a daily basis.

On the other hand, licensed practitioners can be prohibitively expensive even when we aren't an eighteen-year-old high school student working a part-time job to try to help our family meet the other bills.

I mentioned Al-Anon earlier. I will grant that I'm at least a decade out of date on most things, but I'm reasonably sure that there should be a Teen Al-Anon meeting close by that you can sit in on. Here, your school counselor should be able to at least tell you how to locate them (or should get the fuck out and go flip burgers or sack groceries).

Don't try to talk the first time or two. Just listen to the stories being shared by "the old-timers." (And when they go around the circle, keep it short. "You guys help me. Thank you. Pass.")

And do not, do not, do NOT allow a peer mentor that you are in any way, shape, form, or fashion attracted to! That's not what the group is for.

Once you do go to college... typically, the counseling students have programs within their department where they serve an internship under a full professor by sitting sessions with people. Some will even work with the community to allow their students more experience at no charge. This is a trade-off because while they are cheap (even free), it is often because they don't have experience but are using you to get that experience. However, they are overseen by an experienced mentor (assuming s/he isn't napping behind the glass during your session). (DON'T accept any recommendations for medication without a second and third opinion. As I say, they are still students.)

And at the end of the day, keep in mind that whatever "experts" say, much less some faceless entity on the infernal net, the only person that is responsible for, the only person that CAN BE fully responsible for your actions, for your life, is you. Knowledge is more than half the battle, knowledge is the power to pick and then shape your battles.

Any road... May peace shine upon your path. Yours, your mothers, both your brothers... Yes, even "J." But, mostly, may the sun be out of YOUR eyes and the wind at YOUR back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.

From the ashes, you will rise...

alphawolfishere​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

I really appreciate the comments on this post. There aren’t a lot of comments but what few I’ve read so far are profound.

I certainly have my experiences living in deeply, toxic environments. While I certainly have value to add to this discussion, I am confident that everything you need to hear has already been written.

However, I will leave you with this tidbit of advice...

At some point, you will have to make an uncomfortable decision. That decision may be to leave that environment altogether—leaving everything and everyone behind. At the end of the day your identity is at stake. Once those pieces shatter completely, it’s very difficult to put them back together again.

Unfortunately, you may not have a Dom to support you through whatever decision you make. However, there is hope.

It seems pretty clear from the comments in this post that you have a strong support group here. Embrace that. You may need to return to this post and re-read these comments when the darkness becomes to thick. However... I can assure you, the Phoenix will always rise from the ashes. So will you. For this will pass.

EyesToEyes​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2020

Hello!
I'm sorry that like this things happening to anyone and I can understand your feelings.
I agree with what other write before, unfortunately ali situation affected on him and that's why he is now like that, you tryed but he isn't trying obviously so you can't do nothing, yes, you should move on and fix yourself on 1st place, took power and you have right to feel hurted.
With time you can try talk to him, if he understand him wrong behaviour and try to fix it this time give him support.
You want a dominant who can make you feel good and it's ok, yes, somebody right can make you feel good but don't give all in someone hands, 1st you should make yourself feel good because if you depends about others and they disapoint you again you are going to feel bad.
Wish you all the best

Re: I need some advice and to vent

WinterNash • Oct 21, 2020

Horror Business​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

You're putting a lot on yourself and it sounds like you're doing a lot in helping to raise your own siblings. That's going to stress anyone out, and nothing you've described sounds like an overreaction on your part. No disrespect to your mom, but she's not helping things by trying to force you to play nice when you're in a situation that's overwhelming you. You've gotta take care of yourself before you can really help anyone else.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 21, 2020

and there you have your solution. No matter how much we care, we also have our own life. We only can help in case the person wants it and lighten another one's candle doesn't mean yours should be blown out. I'm very sorry about everything you have to deal with