Should I ask for rules?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 19, 2021

eager qt
Should I ask for rules?
1 week ago • 01/06/2021 9:44 pm
Hi! First post.

"I started exploring d/s with someone recently and it’s been the best thing. He says he generally doesn’t do much playing at the local dungeon. He has tons and tons of fun things and hardware at home, and I’m so happy about that, but I would love to lean into our dynamic some when we go back."

(I suggest you focus on leaning into learning who this person behind the flogger is. Being tied up and immobilized and then finding out you are not safe is a tough way to learn to go slow. And it happens - often. Thus the expression, you don't know what you don't know. Also not a fan of closed doors play with a newbie. You really have no idea who this person is in that scenario regardless of what they promise. No one every introduces themselves by saying, "Hey there, I'm so n so and in 6 weeks you'll rue the day I was born.")

"If he’s not going to put clothes pins all over my tits and then hit me across the chest with a whip over and over until they all fall off, I at least would like maybe a few rules to follow? Maybe I can’t talk to anyone until he decides to introduce me to them. I don’t know. Small things?"

(I guess this all depends on what you are hoping to get out of this relationship. Is it bottoming and topping? Is it a full on relationship? There is so much more to power exchange beyond rules and play. First you must decide what your wants and needs are. Not this other person. You must learn what your limits are. Not this other person. You must determine in your safety threshold. Not this other person.)

"Anyway. Again, new to things, and I don’t want to “top from the bottom” but that idea has been making me so hot. I’m so proud that he’s chosen me and I’d like to show that in a public place. Also feel like it’d make the fun we have when we get home even more intense."

(You choose each other. You are proceeding at this point in the belief that he/she is all they say they are. Your face to face may tell you differently. And you are talking about going home with a stranger. These not being vanilla relationships in no ways releases you from being a smart adult. If you are willing to trust this person at hello, let me suggest you think about this... Would you lend them your credit card? Your car? Would you let them house sit? Or go to a family event this fast? Then don't hand this person your body. That is the only unfixable and irreplacible part of those questions. I don't care how hot you are. That is natural. You'll cool off quickly if you make the big mistakes this scenario can produce. Please slow down.)

"Thoughts? Should a sub advocate for things like this, or wait for structure like that to come to them? Would that be good, open communication or would it be over-stepping due to excitement? And if you think I should bring it up, how would you recommend starting that conversation?"

(Not sure what you are at this point. But an adult woman should be careful and learn on her own what this lifestyle entails and where she finds herself fitting in it. You are not exempt from keeping yourself safe and learning all you can before diving in. Filling any label that we use here isn't an automatic fit. An adult woman should also require full on adult conversations about everything long before both parties decide it is worth trying a power exchange dynamic. And when it comes to physical play, don't forget 'behind closed doors' is all it sounds like good and bad. If you are important and worth it, this top should be willing to stretch a little too. Just as you are going to be asked to.)

Smart thinking outweights wet panties any day. Good luck

eager qt • Jan 19, 2021

@SubtleHush
Re: “slow down.”Agreed! This post is honestly embarrassing to me and I wish it would stop getting attention. Was tipsy, in sub frenzy, and mostly just fantasizing.

I posted an update about a week ago:
“
“An update for those who are curious:

Definitely was reeling in sub frenzy (SO glad to know this term and how common of a phenomenon it is) when I wrote this (and maybe had some wine). I wish The Cage would allow forum posts to be deleted...

Some of the input here has been helpful regardless, but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a little bit and just be patient, let things build more before rules potentially get factored in. “Eager”-ness needs to be checked sometimes.

MelMell​(dom female) • Jan 19, 2021

My two cents to this is just asking. Talk to him and ask him if there’s rules he wants to implement as your Master. Ask what’s his domination style is. If he implements rules and punishments and what are they. If he takes on a sub by sub basis ask what are the rules he’s laid out before. Personally I’m thrilled when my subs want to ask me things and talking things out and I will never get angry from it. And most dominants, from what I’ve seen, enjoy answering questions and concerns from their submissives.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 19, 2021

"Some of the input here has been helpful regardless, but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a little bit and just be patient, let things build more before rules potentially get factored in. “Eager”-ness needs to be checked sometimes. "

Very proud of you for this. Frenzy can mess you up.

I'll post in my blog a piece about frenzy that I wrong. If you happen upon it, I hope it helps..

Don't worry about the post.. It will help others as well. We need to be here for each other.

Rules

Likalottapuss​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2021

You shouldn’t ask rules right away. Test people

Tinmantoo​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2021

Never forget that lifestyle Submissive's have identified a need in themselves. They seek Doms to fulfil those needs. Having conversations and setting expectations up front is very reasonable. Relationships / Dynamics where these are clear and even documented tend to last longer and don’t leave the sub wondering.

Miki • Jan 19, 2021

I skimmed these pages and just wanted to address the first post.

If he is a willing dom he'll get there. Let him know what you want, but don't put too much pressure.

Might I add, as per the first post, getting a whip across the tits is... awesome, especially when I'm rubbing one off.

Re: Should I ask for rules?

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jan 19, 2021

Ask him what his typical preferences are, THAT way, it opens a way for dialog.

Remember, you do NOT have to agree to EVERYTHING...if something is too extreme for you, then suggest n adjustment, state your clear and sound reasons "I don't want to" is a poor reason but, "I do not feel ok with that because......." Is a better way.

It's about communication......plain and simple.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 23, 2021

If you have a journal, you could write your fantasies in there.
Also, talking about fantasies are a great way to discuss things you would like to try.

~Psyche

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 23, 2021

The OP has reconsidered and if you read up you'll see she made some good self advocacy progress. But I had to comment on these two.)

Mike the Dom
Rules

You shouldn’t ask rules right away. Test people

(Yeah no not this. This isn't a game. We all must communicate as adults. Not test people. That's how subs/slaves get hurt.)
...........................
ErosandPsyche

If you have a journal, you could write your fantasies in there. Also, talking about fantasies are a great way to discuss things you would like to try. ~Psyche

(This isn't a fantasy for many of us. This is a real world with real power exchange, respect, and investment. sheesh)