Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical Non-Monogamy

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 18, 2021

This is a thread specifically for sharing styles and experiences of ethical non-monogamy, both for enjoyment and for education purposes. The term ‘non-monogamy’ covers a broad range of relationship practices, and as in any pursuit clarification can be helpful.

I have been ethical non-monogamous for over a decade now. My nesting partner (the partner I live with) and I were together for three years before deciding to explore non-monogamy; eventually settling on polyamory. We engage in informal play scenes, mostly Primal play with a bit of service submission. Outside of kink, we share a general vanilla life and a deep spiritual connection (we are developing a tantric and earth reverent lifestyle).
They have two other partners, both vanilla (one is part of a four person polycule, the other has no other partners); and a Daddy Dom who appeals to the little in them, which is something I am not interested in, or particularly good at doing.
I have another partner who shares my love of the morbid and macabre. She and I engage in excessively violent play sessions when we spend time together. We also enjoy urban exploration, dark tourism, and anything to do with serial killers.
My other partner is in a happy vanilla marriage.

My two paramours (partners, as opposed to metamours who are the partners of my partners and have no intimate relationship with me) and I have had several partners over the last ten years, ranging from short flings to long term relationships, ending for one reason or another; just like the passage of monogamous relationships, without the periods of lost support and loneliness.
In our form of ethical non-monogamy, the only stop stipulations placed on introducing new partners is that the good of the whole group should be considered before engaging someone new.
It may seem convoluted or emotionally difficult, but it has been as liberating as it has been rewarding.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 18, 2021

This forum, like any other, is open to discussion in any form and anyone who wishes to participate. Feel free to share experiences, post comments, or ask questions.

Lilyanna​(sub female) • Feb 18, 2021

With so many people involved do you worry about diseases? Not trying to be disrespectful just genuinely curious.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 18, 2021

Mono doesn't mean being possessive and selfish and closed to others. It simply means "Happy to the max with one person currently". CURRENTLY. the most important detail.

Some people try to reject others. But if someone is persistent enough and makes it about the truth/honesty enough, making it about you while fighting for what is fair (instead of holding back and being one sided), well, at some point you end up loving each other. Provided they pull it off successfully.

You might look for it. You might not look for it. But the reality is this. We exist. We affect each other. Let's make the best of it without leaving others out. Love is made. It's scientific even. There is a pattern towards it. Awareness/honesty. Agreements. Focusing on positives while overcoming negatives. etc.

Provided the people you already know remain involved, it all checks out. But if someone is "just bothered", well, discomfort has to be faced and exposure leads to comfort. And tolerance. Which in turn leads to acceptance.

The more tolerant and accepting someone is, the more positive and happier they can be. They're more likely to make love easy. Or, if you have many issues/concerns, it will still be hard but that won't stop them if they put their mind to it (or me for that matter).

If you are currently with someone, and are asked by a third person "Do you want us to be happy" and you can't even answer and talk down to them, that's not just a lack of your love towards that person. That's being weak and evasive and being unable to give a straight answer. Which makes the thrid person LOUDER. Not quieter as you might have wanted. Because they weren't heard.

Unless of course someone suffers in silence. And then you might not even see/notice it. Some people hide their pain. Others just... stop functioning. I find this highly disturbing.

With all that said, I ask one simple question. "Is love selfish?" If it is not, then why do some people act like it is? IMO, those people that say they don't "share" don't know what love is. Because they treat their partner as if they're property. Even a slave has their own heart. And the feelings exchanged between two people is theirs alone, even if you're also having your own "connection of two". Ironically enough there's a lot of mono in poly. Right now, I am saying and feeling things towards you. Even if others also do. we all affect each other indirectly as well as directly.

Damn the ethics. It's simply unrealistic and ignorant to pretend that people matter less. That does not get appreciated, and if you pretended not to care, they'll either give or make you care when what you really meant is that you're "bothered". Personally, I ensure "All of us" matters. even if others also do. It's actually at the top of my priority list to ensure others remain involved even if I am. If they make you happy, they make you happy. Though I value our happiness as well. It's that simple.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 18, 2021

The term "Ethical Non-Monogamy" has always just confused me. I have asked about it a few times, I am hoping you can maybe answer some things, or that some discussions get going.

You mentioned you are polyamory. So why does the term Ethical-Non-Monogamy even exist. Isn't it creating a contrast that doesn't exist? Why aren't you just Poly? Ethical, leads one to believe there are non-monogamists that are not ethical. I mean, likely there are... but it is doubtful they classify themselves. Even the flings, or swapping, or hot wife-ing is still technically 'Ethical' what is the comparative of Ethical? Or an example of Non-Ethical that deems the necessity of clarifying Ethical?

Then, why is "non-monogamy" the standard? Is that just a societal explanatory thing? I would never define myself as "Non-White" I would say I am Poly, I am Triad, I am Vee. Should a person who decides to stay single say they are "Non-Monogamous: Single" ? No disrespect... my brain just does not wrap around things that are naturally contrasting words, being used without a contrasting term to differentiate it. I get Poly, and the likes - but "Ethical Non-Monogamous: Poly" just seems like it is an unnecessary over classification that serves to do nothing but draw controversial attention to what they aren't (Unethical, Monogamous, as I pointed out) And nothing/no one, should ever define itself purely based on what it is not... unless of course it is intentionally trying to insinuate there are alternative or negative alterations.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Feb 18, 2021

@OraclePollon, while I don't know BlackEarthDuke and his tribe so won't presume to speak for them, I do understand the desire to self-define as ENM. I don't believe it's used as an attempt to virtue signal or insult other poly (or mono) dynamics and individuals. (By most reasonable folks, I'm sure there are the few dickheads around who do hold themselves as superior but that's twue about nearly every permutation of kink).

Using ENM is a descriptive, a conversation starter, if you will, it is simply the way some choose to give more information out about oneself. In calling myself a nurturing MommyDomme type I'm not insulting the sadist Ice Queen Dominatrix type, it's not better or worse, it's just the way I choose to communicate after much consideration what I feel about ME. I think it's the same for people that choose to employ the Ethical Non-Monogamist title.

You mentioned that you've previously questioned the designation before and others have given their perspective. You are entitled to your opinion and if you find it an egregious position perhaps not reading the words of the folks that choose to self-identify as such might be in order. There's no need to feel as though you, or anyone else, is being attacked when that likely isn't the intention.

Be well, - Henna

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 18, 2021

Lilyanna

The concern for disease is there and it does increase once you add to the group. One of the cornerstones of ethical non-monogamy is openness and honesty. Regular testing and being honest with your health and well-being are staple practices among polycules.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 18, 2021

Oraclepollen

The classification of ethical non-monogamy refers to the openness between partners and the verification of consent in all relationships. One who cheats on their partner is non-monogamous, but not ethically so, as they are either lying about their other partners or cultivating other relationships without the consent of their partners. Consent is the keyword when explaining the term ‘non-monogamous’.
In terms of also classifying as poly, there are different styles of non-monogamy, even different styles of poly.
Solo poly is someone who has multiple partners, but maintains a high level of autonomy, maybe they live alone, or they define all of their relationships in a less formal way.
There is closed poly, where a group of more than two people decide to form a polycule and not show anyone else to join.
There are harems, where one person will have multiple partners who are not allowed to have partners other than that one person.
There is poly where anyone is allowed to have any partners they want, but the goal is to cultivate long term relationships and form cohesion among all participants.
There are other classifications; these are just to illustrate the point. The whole idea behind poly is freedom to experience the full potential of relationship possibilities instead of limiting yourself to a single relationship.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 18, 2021

Schrodinger’sDinosaur

I appreciate your input, and I think you hit it squarely in that there is a lot that comes with using terms like ENM as a qualifier.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 18, 2021

Hello Henna,

I am always looking for information on things I do not understand. I do not feel attacked, nor do I need to stop reading posts or responses about it. Discomfort is a good thing when expanding horizon. It is another story if people want to be left alone and not questioned, I would respect that and have in the past.

I am not accusing ENM of attacking people. I have not embodied this with a person whatsoever. I am quite literally wondering about the words that are strung together to create this title and curious about the theory behind it. Not at all about how the people using it are living their lives. I have no egregious positions about that.

Just to clarify. Thank you for detailing it, from your pov.