Too nice

Too nice

Mufasadagreat • Feb 24, 2021

I read somewhere that a submissive told a Dom/me that he/she was too nice and wanted to be more stern. My question is, is it a such thing as being too nice in the lifestyle?

rosethorn​(sub female) • Feb 24, 2021

I wouldn't say it's 'nice' that's the problem, it is possible to be dominant and nice. So you know don't be a beep but don't be so eager to please and want validation that it overrides everything else. Some submissives like boundaries and some prefer a softer approach, the key is to work it out with very blunt and honest conversations so you both know what the other wants. But ... you have to be honest with yourself too, what are your needs and what are you comfortable doing.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 24, 2021

I used to have an issue where ppls opinions made me question myself which led to much self discovery. The problem is ppl will tell you their opinion whether you want it or not and only you can determine how said opinions may or may not effect you.

You can never be 'too nice' where as theres many in many communities that would consider such actikns as submisive behavior. Stand your geound on your morals and keep a clear idea of where you draw the lines between being nice, respectful, helpful, and submissive. The less you have to question yourself of your own morals based on their opinions the better off you are

Lexxa​(sub female) • Feb 24, 2021

No, in my opinion there's no such thing as "too nice" in the lifestyle. Everyone has unique personalities and thus unique needs/desires. One person's too nice is another's just right. The key is finding the temperament that best fits with yours.

We should always empower each other to be 100% ourselves. If we're not genuine to ourselves how can we be genuine to others?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Feb 24, 2021

The answer is yes, for the wrong person. There are so many different types, flavours of dynamics and those that live, act them out. So it is entirely possible that any given dominant could be too nice for the aspirations, desires, fantasy's of the sub. Many have pretty extreme desires and fantasy's and even ones that aren't but require, in the head of the person a degree of cold, stern whatever. That is what floats their boat, is the jam they enjoy.

The best way to avoid this mismatch is more in depth discussion before a dynamic begins, failure to do that can lead, down the road to disappointment and frustration with the wrong type, style of dominant, dominance with the wrong sub.

Of course its possible that a nicely balanced pairing gets thrown out of kilter further down the road, as often kinks, fetishes can evolve and go places the original setting up was unaware of, or could not foresee. A good way to try and mitigate against this is regular discussions and re evaluations. Thing is these need to be frank and honest, and not hindered by fear of difficult topics and the possibility that things can't be continued.

Saying this is one thing as often in the heat, and swirling passions of feelings and infatuation, or fear of something ending, often a very powerful hindrance, dynamics can stumble on when at the core a desire is burning away unfulfilled. This could be as simple as you are too nice, kind, caring not mean, stern enough. In some situations a dynamic can continue with a more mean dom giving what's needed, but often that can't work, too many cooks ruining the cake. Its a difficult situation but I think its better that the pairing parts, so the two people can find what suits them better - if a sharing situation wont work.

So yes in some circumstances someone can be too nice, if so move on and allow that sub the mean monster of their desires and find someone who will thrive in a kinder more gentle environment.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Feb 24, 2021

Echoing some of the comments above, you have to do you. Am I a Dom - yes. Does that mean I have to be nasty (taking it as the antonym of nice) - certainly not. Firm - in the right situation, understanding - again in the right situation.

In my opinion a nasty and inflexible Dom, is actually a bully and not a Dom.

Yes, I have rules and boundaries for my sub, yes I discipline when she makes mistakes. However, I also work with her to help her be better - to go more deeply into who she is and wants to be.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t stop the sadistic side of me from letting fly with the cane, or adding just one more edge - and get pleasure from the reaction. However, that’s not about being nasty (or un-nice if you prefer).

Likewise, checking how she is feeling and changing plans if she’s not feeling great, or had a hard day - that’s not being too nice - it’s about working with her to get the best outcome. If I proceed with an impact session, when she’s in discomfort to begin with (maybe a sore back) then the session is just not going to be successful - so why carry on just because?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 2, 2021

Yes. What's more it can be deadly. And cause people to blow their brains out because all they were was hand held and never taught to stand up for themselves. Be very mindful of that.

Never under any circumstances violate honesty and awareness. Don't "sugarcoat". This is a mistake. Don't coddle or be so protective that you hand hold every little thing. This is a mistake that can cost someone their sanity or even their life.

People may hate you for being firm. For being honest to the point you have to call them a hypocrite or an idiot. LET them. I'm serious. Let yourself be hated. It all leads somewhere. Just make sure you say WHY you call someone whatever you call them. Give REASONS for it. State about WHAT. eg: "This is why I call you an idiot/hypocrite".

Anything less is being DIShonest if someone has made it clear that they contradict themselves and is close minded. Call them close minded. Call them a fool. Say they ignore evidence that you pushed under their nose.

I get people to love me by saying it's about what they don't know. I get those people to calm down by pointing out they're hypocrites. They LOVE me for being HONEST with them. I mean and intended to stomp on their fragile, delicate feelings. But I don't coddle them. I simply state the situation for what it is. AS it is. In the QUICKEST way possible.

And if you're that person that thinks it's "safer" to keep secrets, I am pointing out this violates honesty due to violating awareness. Even idiots that try to avoid situations have to yield to the truth. In reality, the fear of conflict is WHY there is conflict. The FEAR of reality is why you try to "escape". But you can't escape from yourself. And I will take great, sadistic pleasure in pointing it out and deconstructing someones deluded, closed mind. I enjoy doing it.

I ALSO enjoy being made a target. I love how someone will try to talk down on me and refer to me as an enigma they can't quite figure out as they find me comical. I entertain them. They are interested in me. As for whatever the volatile situation we're in is, that gets corrected right away. I ensure it. Give me all your ammo. I will take every bullet. Every blow. You want to talk about nice? Let's talk about being the better person. Of being that person when someone turns their back on you, and then getting them to understand. Which may require a destructive approach if that is the only option left. But if options are that limited, they are that limited.

Some people won't limit your options to that extent. Some will. You might THINK you lost someone. But the path of destruction can save the both of you in the end. The ends justify the means when it's about happiness while never violating choice.

In short, you may some day find yourself in a situation where it's not even possible to be nice because you can't even get a word in. If that option is exhausted, then don't be nice. You're not perfect. You're a human being. You have a breaking point like everyone else. If someone is being that selfish, that close minded, that hypocritical, then fuck being nice. You tried it already. Be understanding. Make it about that. But if being mean is the only way then it's the ONLY way. If someone forces your hand.

While doing this ALSO focus on the POSITIVES and what CAN be done about a situation. Turn the worst into the best. Do your best to address "the situation" rather then the person. They're already being hard on themselves after the truth was revealed. Follow it up. What can we do to improve on the intimidate situation?

Next thing I know someone is melting and happy as I home in on their needs after calming them down while pointing out their contradictions. Ok then. Consider this an example of how the ends justify the means. Except I don't just put this in a "room". I put this behind everything I do. Got peoples sanity and mental stability to consider. And if someone is BULLSHITTING me and CHOOSING ignorance after I made it VERY clear that there's factors they're overlooking. Well. Even I'm going to get unpleasant at that point.

I have every ounce of patience and tolerance for a closed minded person talking down on me if they listen. even if they contradict themselves many times over. They might say they avoid other things, which I prove is harmful. Yet will face me.

I have none for someone that has their head so far up their own ass they don't consider any other viewpoint then their own alone and then shows they're a coward.

Cowards suffer. They have always suffered. And they always will suffer. There's no away AROUND conflict. There's no AVOIDING conflict. If it must be faced, get THROUGH conflict. Minimise the harm/danger by minimising the exposure. Better quick and ugly then a slow insidious poison that spreads like a cancer behind fake smiles.

And if I don't challenge a coward... I let them be that poison. And spread it. And I know for a fact that if that happens, they will never forgive themselves. The WORST thing then destruction is LETTING it happen. Between the options of a QUICK destructive approach and one that LINGERS, which is worse? You could have saved them. You could have TRIED. This is what I have to do. I have to always try. If I don't then I allow fear to happen. I might have to cause some of it of course. But only in the interest of putting a complete stop to it.

Some people will never have a doubt or concern. Or very few. Can play nice easily.

SOME people however will have MANY issues. And if you're too nice with them, you will not be able to save them. It's not sympathy they need. It's honesty. No matter how much it may hurt. No matter how painful it may be. For this reason, it's why I talk sense into people that consider themselves a "lost cause". I'm BLUNT as fuck. Like a TRUCK.

But I also remind them I had to do it to make them open minded and get them to consider the possibility. That they're not the "trapped" person that thought they were. You can only trap yourself in your own mind. A shrinks job also doesn't allow them to help people properly. It's not their job. They can help you find answers, but it's not their job to support you PROPERLY. It requires REAL commitment. Of being there. And remaining unbiased.

Also, if this thread exists, it makes me wonder if you're one of those people that "dance around the issue". If so then you didn't ask and you didn't inform. And being in the dark pisses me off. Everyone has to know where they stand. Otherwise where's the choice?

Ergo, don't concern yourself with "nice" but rather the "lesser evil". What's the GREATER harm?

LordofPain56 • Mar 4, 2021

Personally, I'm kind of a throwback but it should be no surprise considering my age. I don't think of myself as "nice". I am "chivalrous". Although I am gentle & affectionate at times, I have been cussed at in the bedroom, and then laughed at her. That's not very "nice". Hehe.

Bunnie • Mar 4, 2021

I agree with dollMaker about the absolute necessity for compatibility. He makes some good points that I definitely agree with.

My other thoughts are that a lot of it depends on what you mean by “nice.” People pleasing can definitely be a problem. For me it creates a form of dishonesty. If someone is too scared to be honest for fear of being seen as “the bad guy,” that diminishes my trust in their ability to be as honest or as open as I personally desire. Being nice is something I see as a civility. Something I am definitely a huge fan of... manners also... however, it’s where it begins to blur into the possibility of it not being authentic that I question.

For me personally, I need to know that someone will honour themselves. I need to know that they’re capable of determining when it’s necessary for them to put themselves first. I need to know that they believe and understand that as humans, we need to be capable of doing that. I need to know that they’re not hiding from the parts of themselves they fear, by using an umbrella of “niceness” as a mask or deflection... or distraction. I need to know that what I’m sensing and what they’re “telling me” they’re feeling, matches. I believe we all have a beast in us. It’s those who accept that about themselves that I feel most comfortable with. Acceptance of all aspects of ourselves... not just the parts that look good.

I look to people I admire, for leadership. For permission. For guidance. For authenticity. I need them to tell me (and show me) that I will be safe in their hands because they aren’t scared to face anything within themselves. And that I too can be brave and face (and accept) anything within myself, without feeling that I simply need to brush over it with a coating of “niceness.”

So do I believe there’s such a thing as “too nice?” If it’s for the “wrong” reasons, I believe there can be, yes.

Kelpi • Mar 4, 2021

Yes there is. My ex often told me I was to nice but as I told her I did not know where her limits where as she and I where on two different minds on what we wanted. She finally figured out that i was not what she needed and we moved on from there. Yes there is to nice and to mean. As I have seen subs leave a Dom they loved because he could not control his moods. and I have known one that needed more than what he could give.