Fantasizing and Reality. My personal problem.

Fantasizing and Reality. My personal problem.

Valiant Violet​(sub female){NotLooking} • Feb 24, 2021

I am a shy, quiet, and awkward, introvert. Who is mostly alone but wants to be loved. I’ve been looking for special someone (Life Partner) but there is a problem. My mind has been fantasizing about a big, muscular man as a partner. I met a few nice men who treat me with respect but I am not sexually or emotionally attracted to them. It makes me feel shallow, I don’t want to be like that. I want to have a loving relationship with a good person but my mind goes to someone who doesn’t exist. This pandemic is making me feel isolated, I have no one to talk to, so I fantasize. I feel miserable.

Kelpi • Feb 25, 2021

He is out there and looking for you even if he does not know it yet. Join our chat room and talk to us we will keep you company till you find him.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2021

1. Theres someone out there for everyone.

2. You have the right to be whatever you want and the obligation to yourself to be the best whatever that is.

3. Do you want to end up with someone you're not physically and emotionally attracted to?

4. A lot of great ppl are shallow, myself included

Re: Fantasizing and Reality. My personal problem.

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

First and foremost dont settle if you are not happy. Find someone you emotionally and sexually are happy with because otherwise you won’t be happy. Fantasy is ok, but there is some level of “real” we all have to acknowledge. Ex: if everyone wanted a 6ft guy with a foot long dick there would be a lot of single ppl lol. Im not saying having standards is bad at all bc i believe you deserve to be happy and find someone perfect for you, but also keeping in mind that expectation vs reality will be different. And you ARE NOT shallow for wanting what you want. That’s being human. I’d try and write down a list of qualities your looking for in a partner, and label them least to most important. Being sexually attracted to them should be important bc sex is a big part of relationships. But also its not the only thing and imo definitely not the most important (id say non abusive, kind, passionate, having goals, and caring far surpasses looks) but everyone has their own ideas of what should go where on that list. Then try your best to find someone who meets those criteria or at least the most important bc nobody is gunna be “perfect” we are only human but i wish you the best of luck in finding them!

BowieMDPat • Mar 15, 2021

Our "love maps" start to develop in early childhood. Our unconscious plays a MUCH bigger part in our choice of partners than most people think.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

Nerdypanda, I agree you shouldn't settle. But fantasy can mess us up. No one can compete with a perfect fantasy. Still, only you can decide if that is working for you.

I would say try to do less of that and maybe check out discussion groups on fetlife. They have themes and there will be some for introverts. At least that can get you socializing

Just a thought.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 15, 2021

You may flee from situations you do not like and thus do not endure the hard times (at least sometimes).

You're desperate for a relationship. You reek of desperation. You're aware of this on a sub conscious level at least and are conflicted. You want to matter. But you don't want "person here". You're waiting for the "right" one instead of MAKING them with understanding and getting to know people. It can be more then one. It can be many. Each as loyal as the next. Though in your point of view it might seem impossible right now.

You've yet to learn to love yourself properly. And until you do you won't be able to get people to love you. You may be stuck in your own comfort zones alone. If so I encourage exploring outside the box more. Even with what you find uncomfortable. Find out if you actually misunderstood.

You also use generalised labels (relationship) when in reality it's slowing you down from getting you what you want. You may also have concerns about being "used" and then not having someone there for you. Address context itself, without shame, with full openness and honesty with everyone you meet. And your odds go up ten fold. Any deception, lies or secrets (silence especially) will backfire. Be upfront and honest as possible. Stick the middle finger to judgement itself and be you. For it's all you can be. Pro tip: Don't shy away from sex talks. Helps with getting to know people. Other things matter too of course. It's all about finding that balance. And it can be done quite quickly. Others can do it with you even if you struggle. But if you do it yourself, you increase your odds.

The reason you are attracted the muscular men is because you're attracted to strength. But think about it for a moment. You're focused on the physical here. Strength comes in many forms. Try to focus on the mental side of things. The truth is we're all responsible for how we affect those around us. Maybe you hurt people. Maybe you got hurt. Resulting in why you're shy and an introvert. It's understandable. And if you're weak, you're weak. Accept that. Accept that you're weak. So that you can learn to turn it into strength. Even if you don't know how too yet. But until you accept what you are you'll always be weak. I'm not saying this to have a go at you. I'm saying it's very important to be realistic and focus on your flaws so you that you can address them properly.

Beyond that it's a matter of focusing on wants/needs and talking people into being there for you. Your anti social skills due to your inverted nature comes at odds with this. The only solution is to keep talking to people. Seek it out. Even when it gets tiring and draining. Though focus on doing fun things between talks when you can. The one piece of advice I can give above all else is this. That the wisest will say.

It's about what people DON'T know.

For example, if someone claims they're not interested about something and direct it at you when they never even asked or know YOUR context, ask for their context. Specifics. And then give YOUR side of the story. What's the FULL story? I know for a fact that I've talked people into doing fun things with me even when they had major concerns. But in the end, we have fun.

You might have a fear of conflict. Avoiding conflict creates more conflict and also fuels depression. Face/conflict it. You have a voice. Just understand others do as well. Logically address concerns in the interest of honesty and letting situations speak for themselves before focusing on happiness. Example: "This is the situation." Do it with observation. Without assumption. While correcting people when they assume incorrectly. "This is the situation. I'm simply saying what happened. Your assumptions are your own undoing. Let's talk about happiness." To present a rough/basic idea.

Beyond that, don't let people label you without discussing contest. Even being called a sub can lead to misunderstandings if someone doesn't know/understand you. I used to be an introvert myself. And now I can address each and every concern with one person. Even if they're being indifferent. Keep pressing for communication even if people don't want to hear it. Otherwise you might end up exploding at a later date. Pick your poison. Don't worry about being a "nice" person. Worry about the greater harm. Be human. Be flawed. Be imperfect. Simply make the best out of it.

At some point poisons turn into cures and it goes uphill. Got to have exposure to build up immunity though. Any time you're faced with two events where each seem bad, put them on a scale. Weigh them out. And pick the lighter one. Just make sure you're fully aware of the situation when you do that. Full story. etc. So that any choice made is not a blind one. If any choices were blind, if presented with new evidence, logic/proof (etc) reconsider the situation you're in.

Think I'll stop there before I write a book.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Mar 15, 2021

You don't know the OP and your rambling is borderline bullying. Nobody needs an excuse, least from you, to take things slowly. So what if she is attracted to muscular men? Physical strength and mental strength are not mutually exclusive. There are so many elements of attraction that are hardwired into our "reptile brain" that your so-called "logic" cannot explain.

What ever the OP does, including fantasizing, is not hurting anyone. Unlike your inconsequential verbal diarrhea.


Please don't write a book. Spare the trees people have to cut down to print your nonsense.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 15, 2021

They said themselves they want to be in a relationship. It's their words I'm going on. You are seeing it as bullying. In reality you're making me a target. And thus you are bullying me. Hypocrite.


There are reasons. I do not put up with excuses. But there reasons. frankly I could do without YOUR excuses. Again, you are being a hypocrite. You have concerns. I understand this. It is not an excuse to go "least from you" however. As if you are trying to silence me. Something I would never to do to anyone under any circumstances. Though I will point out fear is clear as day and that I suspect you hurt others with your over defensive nature. Even if you have, you might not even know because you clearly seem to be more caught up in your assumptions and irrational fear as if that's an excuse to talk down on me. When you think I'm doing it to others. Of which I am not, though I'm sure you'll believe otherwise.


I stated this very clearly in my previous post. She is attracted to strength. I consider it important because MENTAL strength is important. Of which she may have overlooked. It's called covering the possibility.


Incorrect. You need to have enough mental focus to at least get yourself out of bed. Have you ever felt like your life means nothing to the point you can't even take the sheet off yourself? When you get weaker and weaker because it feels like there's just no point to do anything at all, let alone exercise? Mental applies with EVERYTHING we do. We THINK about what we do. We ACT on what we do. At some point thought becomes instinct and we do it automatically. Likewise, sometimes we need to slow down and REFLECT on what we do. So that we're SAFER with what we do. And IMPROVE on what we do. Be it both mental AND physical. I never said it was one or the other alone.


I'm aware. And I'm stating that many elements may not have even been considered. Or even thought about. I'm also saying context can make something attractive unattractive and vice versa. Your logic is the logic that doesn't add up here. You're making blank carpet black and white statements. I am not. I am addressing BOTH sides of the fence. Your complaints and assumptions won't change the fact that people don't consider things enough more often then not. Rarely intended. But the more you know, the better.


You're coddling them and your over protective approach is going to harm them in the long run. Think this through. What does being shy mean? It means being evasive. Being unable and incapable of facing situations instead of handling them. It means they have concerns about being seen as something they're not and perhaps a fear of judgement. For all I know (and I do not know this. But it's quite possible) they could be afraid of some situations, seeing them as blank carpet "That can only be the worst". Which they might also know doesn't have to be. But introverted people that are shy and want to be in relationships when they're not even capable of facing situations put people in a relationship in danger. As well as themselves. Unless the people involved understand each other well. It's very normal for people to be in relationships and NOT know each other well enough. Do you want to run the risk of having that situation happen? Frankly, I'm saying "safety first. Let's consider things properly."

Fact: Introvert people lack social skills. And thus struggle more with communication and lack awareness/observation skills in general due to lack of interaction in general. The less you interact with people, the less you know. The more you interact with people (close company will surface. But they clearly lack it. the more you know. At this point, what do they know?

I'm also saying not talking about context and establishing agreements and rushing into relationships blind in healthy and even destructive. While it might seem obvious it can and does get overlooked. Which is why I addressed it here. The OP stated they want to be in a "relationship". But what they NEED is someone to treat them like they matter. Which can apply without relationship labels. Which was NOT address in the first post. I don't need to know them. if I have to address the context of how and why because of your BS closed mind, tough. I'm done explaining myself to a close minded fool like you. But frankly, have an open mind and get your head out of your own ass and consider that maybe someone with experience in psychology knows more then you do. You've repeatedly talked down on me, assumed the worst, and frankly, it's getting old. We can keep playing this game if you want, where you assume the worst and talk down on me because you fear the worst because it's all you see. But I only write long walls of text when I'm MISUNDERSTOOD. Jackass.

You don't try to understand. You just go "I see the worst of you. I don't want to hear it." You're the worst example of how communication should go. Granted, my walls don't help at times. But you talking down on me and not trying to be understanding, doing nothing but judging me, THAT is why the wall exists.


No. I have a voice and will say what I need to say so I don't fucking explode in your fucking face because you're being an insulting prick that sees me as nothing but a monster. Frankly, your fear is starting to turn that into reality. You might want to reconsider the situation you're creating. And we both know we're not just talking about me. Do it with one person you'll do it with the next. Thank you and good day, mam. How would YOU feel?

Encouragement

I'mME • Mar 15, 2021