Bringing D/s dynamics into an established relationship

Bringing D/s dynamics into an established relationship

magicandmischief • Feb 25, 2021

So I've been in a relationship with my partner for five years and I've always been v interested in D/s dynamics and verging on the kinkier side. Last year, I started doing a lot of research into BDSM bc it really speaks to me and I wanted to try out more "proper" D/s stuff between us (that's sounds weird but do you know what I mean?)

Problem is, when I approached this with my partner, he seemed to just hear that I thought there was something missing in our relationship/sex life and got defensive. Its been almost six months now and I want to bring it up again but now I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him but equally, I feel like I need to be dominated.

Obviously communication is such a huge thing with D/s so that fact that we clearly aren't communicating well about this to start with isn't a good sign. I want to work on this too to help us. Either way, I feel like I'm holding a part of myself back because we don't deal with it, does that make sense?

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 25, 2021

Defensiveness is the unfortunate side effect of new topics. I won't get into how this attitude could manifest itself in anything you need from them, but it should be addressed at some point... on the other side, sexuality is a very sensitive topic and they may just need a more understanding and appreciative approach to increase their comfort with talking about it unemotionally.

I would change the conversation. Possibly start by asking them if there is anything they ever wanted to try, kinky or otherwise.

Try to avoid words that combine I & You in the same sentence, as they will personify the sexuality and create tension again. Try and leave yourself completely out of it.

I understand the hesitancy to bring it up again. The only thing to be done is disassociate their sexuality with their person, since they feel like they are being condemned when it is discussed. It is a long process of understanding if they are deep seeded. It could mean some sex therapy is required. Again, you will have to do some preliminary work before you even bring that up.

People will do almost anything in comfort, but nothing is resistance.

SirYesSir​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2021

My own two cents is try walking her into it... Come home with a pair of-decorated leather handcuffs. See if you can get her to wear them out to dinner. Then see how she reacts when chain them together on the way home... Add an attractive well padded blindfold... Then a crop or flogger or paddle... Let her get used to how those affect your intimacy...

If she declines, make a point to leave them out so that she can experiment when you aren't around...

Within a couple of weeks talk about what else she might be curious about... Next thing you know, her defensiveness has switched over to curiosity... And more likely to be open to that discussion

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Feb 25, 2021

@SYS, please read what the OP wrote:



The issue is not a newly discovered Dom wanting to turn his vanilla partner into a sub, but the reverse. Not sure how your advice comes into play ...

LordOfTheDreadfort​(dom male){NotLooking} • Feb 26, 2021

My wife and I are in a similar boat. We’ve been together for ten years so there’s already a lot of trust there, but when I turn up the Dom, she’s excited but embarrassed whenever she does something she thinks is “wrong” (or what she thinks I will see as wrong). I try to reassure her that this is a learning experience for both of us and that she never has anything to fear from me, as her husband or as her dominant, but she’s so afraid to disappoint me and for the life of me, I can’t figure out where that comes from. I’ve tried telling her she can never disappoint me, but she’s been battling a life-long war to appear “normal” and to her, this is just miles away from normality. We engage in D/s mostly in the bedroom and outside of that context we’re pretty vanilla. She’s along for the ride mostly because she enjoys the confidence boost it gives me, but I very much want her to see this as something for both of us. It sure is tricky when it seems to come so naturally to me but is such a challenge for her.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2021

I would tread carefully here in all aspects. First thing I would suggest is, especially since you have already had the conversation and gotten the reaction, is to evaluate your own position. Trying to morph a vanilla relationship into a D/s relationship with a partner who is either unwilling or unreceptive to the idea could land your "love on the rocks" pretty darn fast,

So ask yourself honestly .. "iF it never changes, will I still want to be in this relationship?". If the answer is yes, you have your answer, and unless they do a radical reversal of position, enjoy them and your relationship. If the answer is no, you have a rougher road coming up. Is it worth it to drag them into it knowing it not what they want? How long before it fosters resentment between you? Sometimes a fantasy just has to stay a fantasy, sometimes not... but there will be cost paid by one of you no matter which way this goes...

DrWakko • Feb 26, 2021

When it comes to relationship evolution some couples are willing to try and some are not. Some will take the steps and realize its not for them and take steps back. Other times one person really wants it and the other doesn't. There is a time in a relationship when its better to cut ties and remain friends then drag something out and risk fighting.

I do not know the OPs relationship, partner or any part of their dynamic. There is a chance that after five years you two have grown apart. OP wants more D/s and OP partner is happy where they are at. So the OP has to has themselves, is it worth the cost of admission to stay with this person even though I won't have the D/s dynamic or do you cut your losses stay friends and let each person find what they are looking for?

If someone isn't interested in starting a D/s dynamic then it won't happen. If they play along, you will know that the person is just playing along and both of you risk being hurt.

Do whats right... follow your heart... all will be good.

DW

Zedland​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2021

Obviously if this is something you want and he is someone you want to pursue it with then you have to bring it up. Or else you'll probably end up resenting having this unfulfilled ache and that won't help anyone.

I would suggest changing the context of the conversation. Away from missing something in your relationship to wanting more of him. More of his control, more of him indulging his darker desires, more of him showing just what a fine specimen of the male sex he is. Watch some kinky porn together and see if it sparks any of his interest. We men are simple creatures and infinitely susceptible to manipulation.

But you must also consider the possibility that not everyone is a Dom in waiting. But this is just my two cents.

magicandmischief • Feb 26, 2021

Thank you, this is all really helpful advice. I'm generally a very anxious person as it is so the initial resistance has done very little to build my confidence so I guess I'm kind of looking for baby steps to build up to bigger conversations if that makes sense?

magicandmischief • Feb 26, 2021

See, outside of sex, we are stronger than ever. I love our life together and esp after being basically locked together through the pandemic we are super close and very happy.

It's not even that our sex life isn't good, its just that I want more?