What do you actually *do* in your lifestyle?

LordofPain56 • Mar 19, 2021

Well....in the past 20 years, I haven't DONE anything having to do with the BDSM lifestyle.
So now I just have a very condensed profile, not expecting anything to come from it.
I still have the detailed long version in a word file on my PC, but it is no longer on any BDSM website that I know of.
It didn't do me any good then, so I suspect it would not be any better now.

Kelpi • Mar 19, 2021

I don't have a day to day thing I take what I can get when I can and enjoy the hell out of who I am with. I am a little strange as the one thing I love is making her cum and listening to her do it. be it little whimpers or wake the neighbors screaming it is all good.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Mar 21, 2021

There is a daily invitation to sharing my thoughts, feelings or questions with him. My Dom is strict but always caring about my overall wellbeing.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Apr 6, 2021

MrFulmen
What do you actually *do* in your lifestyle?

When we talk about BDSM as a lifestyle, the ways we describe it are often romantic, sweeping... and kind of vague
....................
So very true. What was most compelling to me when I learned about the lifestyle was communication. The idea of a dominant partner who would take the time to learn me, and listen, and even get me out of my own way if needed. So many want this to seem like a fantasy land. Many more think tossing out assignments is enough. For some, I guess that is enough. But it was never what I was looking for.

I had two very long real-time relationships and one shorter one. We were two people. We did people things. If he wanted me to do something, I did it. But most of the time I provided what is now known as "anticipatory service". I knew him that well. I knew what he needed or wanted and I would ask, but already prepared to provide for that need.

I knew his wants and expectations, so I didn't need to be told what to do or how. I'd ask what he'd like me to wear of course if we were going to do something special. And there was a romantic, unspoken, intense aspect of it. A tension in the air because at any moment he might want me to do something, and I would. Simple or scary. Big or small. I'd do it. Even if I hated the idea. (aside from hard limits of course)

When he came to me I was always dressed in something he would like, such as heels and a sexy outfit. When I went to him, there was always an outfit in my bag.

As for the lifestyle? We went to learning events and discussion groups geared to make us all better people in general. We were well respected and respected others.

For me, I see lifestyle as something you invest time and energy in. You see it as important and you do what you have to do to get the most out of it. You could be a hunter, or fisherman, or car guy. You put your passion into all of it.

I used to live on a mountain. At the deli counter late one summer I heard a conversation. Other people waiting for their turns were talking about the coming winter. "Did you get that generator you wanted?" "Who knows a good snow plow guy?" etc. When you live on a mountain you must always be ready for winter. It is a thing.

You could tell from the nature of the conversations that these people took this seriously. And it hit me. This type of life is a lifestyle. They prepare. They plan. They spend money on what they will need. in order to have a comfortable and safe winter.

In a nutshell. That is what I did in those relationships. We spent the time and money to learn and be around others who had the same values. You didn't just buy a singletail (or any toy). You took a class on how to use one. You didn't just take on the title of Dominant, Sir, or Master. You learned what that meant and you elevated yourself to that level in public lifestyle places and in private.

Now when I see talk of any lifestyle, I look to see if it is a passing fancy. Or in our case fantasy. Or if there is any evidence of "investment" in it. That is not just fantasies, or online tasks, or watching videos.

If I see sweat equity. Investment. Maturity. And connecting among like-minded people in the real world, then I say that is a lifestyle.

H*

Miki • Apr 6, 2021

@MrFulbelly:

As many know I'm not a full time or even part time "sub" Only a sexual masochist so while this thread wants to know what contributers do "in the lifestyle" I thought I'd point out that what I have read is why I'm not "all in"-- Only for pleasure's sake as are my partners, and it seems to work.

You have a nice system set up with your sub, honestly... But being the way I am, no offense, I'd take the stars off the calendar and stick 'em on your forehead.

-Not a good girl at all.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Apr 7, 2021

Miki​ you don't have to be all in. Really every discussion, debate, and conversation boils down to you getting what you want out of the arrangement and it sounds as though you do.

I just want to add that this, for me, is not a choice. I am naturally drawn to a strong partner. I want his strength and for him to lead me. With the right partner, he is naturally drawn to want my submission and wants to lead.

That chemistry and shared drive is what makes it good for me and my Dominant. The flow of it. The puzzle pieces fitting together of it.

When people say they struggle. Or, "how do you keep in your sub head". I think they are looking for fantasy. I may do Sir's laundry but I'm not in subspace about it lol. I may say, let's eat Chinese and he wants Italian so we do Italian and that doesn't make me orgasm. And I've known many many S types and many of them say "In every dynamic, there are WTF thought that the s type would not say it but it is thought."

My experience most often is that when the connection is right people will notice but not know what they are seeing. They sense "something" about this couple or even triad. Something strong and special. Many vanillas are drawn to it but don't know why. Nor do they need to know. They just see a happy couple with an obvious connection.

People not all in have their reasons. Some are afraid of losing that control. Some are kinky and not interested in the whole thing.

But even in that, the whole thing is what each pairing makes it. I'm in Grad school and I work full time in a very (pain in the a**) job. I'm on call 24/7 for emergencies. I was also a Professional Organizer and Productivity trainer with my own business for 12 years.

Do I need Sir to say, do the laundry today? Erm no. Do I swoon every time someone wants to do online with me so he can issues tasks and have me perform for him? I call those parlor tricks. If you won't be here day in and out? Well, I don't need more tasks in my life.

My last Sir was trained for 5 years by a Japanese Master and he had a thing for the Japanese Tea service, which he wanted performed perfectly. That was scary. When I say I want to make my Sir happy people assume sex or play. But sometimes it's just getting right what matters most to him.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Apr 7, 2021

I think one of the biggest things that we learnt, when we decided to expand from a bit of bedroom play to actually taking this seriously, was that you have to make allowances for real life.

We have a 10yr old daughter. Both have high pressure jobs. Have a pet dog, families, a home and other things - all of which need to continue and to receive the time and focus they need.

Therefore, while some of the concepts and ideas you read and see are amazing and wonderful. They are just not compatible with maintaining all the other items. So we find things that do work and that we can weave into our life.

Likewise, in my opinion, the role of a Dom(me) is one of caring for and protecting their sub. So, recognising that other factors may be influencing them and adjusting your approach/requirements to allow for this. That doesn’t mean being soft - rules are rules - just being aware and mindful. I’m not here to break my sub, but to make her the best she can be and for her to feel totally safe in my hands. In fact, just holding her head to my chest when she’s having a tough day makes her feel safer and calmer.

Miki • Apr 7, 2021

@Subtlehush You are right on all counts. I'm glad you got balance!!

What I do works best for me. For work I'm a buttoned-up professional woman (complete with eyeglasses I use for reading tiny print) and when I go home it's usually to unwind, take care of what I need to and so-on.

Being a "real sub" won't fit into my nutty schedule, but for those which it does, I am happy.

But letting on what I do under the sheets.. or over them.. isn't something I want "out there" for public consuption outside of the decidedly non-hallowed halls of The Cage.

* * * * *

I guess I didn't really need to post here as it seeks input from more conventional D/s dynamics but it helps explain why I'm not into that...

* * * * *

Well... I also had to tweak MrFulbright.. I mean MrFulmen (It's highly unlikely he is a scholar)

----because I see him here and there on the boards and can't help but pinch his digital ass.


I'm a bad girl at heart.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

The last time I had to talk about this there was a HUGE misunderstanding. The other person, while good at what they do, was under the impression "sub" was a "broad label".

They didn't want to do anything with me at first. I was stubborn. I stuck to my guns. "Missing context". They can't read my mind. We cant predict the future (they admitted that part. Really good sign). And I know my own ability better their doubt. I repeat. I know MY OWN ABILITY better then THEIR DOUBT. Proven it with others before. What makes you think you're in the right when you act like things won't be fun? Because you say so? When there's been zero attempt to find out?

Before we did more to find out things are more fun then they assumed I had to elaborate on the whole sub thing. Frankly, the generalising was harming my mental well being. So they told me to explain what it is to me.

Which is where we got to the turning point of it all. I have to explain ME. Why I do what I do. The reasons behind it. It's not just something I can take and leave. It's a way of life.

Then we did things, improved on things, and had a blast. Arguments turned to fun interactions. Not acting like you know it all will do that. It's not about what you know alone. It's about what you DON'T know. And too many see what they want/expect to see. Look past it, admit you're ignorant about someone you don't know anything about, and it will go further.

I also had to talk to them about fair first. Which is a bit odd with me because I don't hold back with others. So 100/100 is the only fair way. Which might get misinterpreted (which it did at first). Had a good talk about that. They had to agree it was the only fair way. There's also the concept of "turns" so to speak. I let them do things more their way then mine at first. But then things were more my way then theirs. Then we just hit the sweet spot because we can compare experiences and adjust accordingly.

Sesten • Apr 19, 2021

It has been a while since I have owned a slave – – that’s one of the reasons I joined here.

But when I do own a slave, I plan her days out very carefully, giving her errands and commands that not only reinforce her place in our relationship, but hopefully are creative and fun. Even when I punish my slave, I try to be creative. Sometimes though, that last part is more fun for me than for her.