Help me please

Help me please

CatLover​(switch female) • May 17, 2021

Hey if anyone can help me I would be soo thankful-
I'm in a long term relationship with someone I truly love, we live together and we're both switches. We've been dating for a year and a few months.
I was new to bdsm when we started dating, and I loved being submissive. I loved letting go of control and having him do whatever he wants with me.
At some point my mindset unfortunately changed and I started feeling weak and hurt every time I was sub.
(I have a lot of childhood abuse trauma from the house I grew up in and it's hard to physically let go of control and trust someone when trying to test my limits and experiment with bdsm. + I an unable to achieve orgasm with a partner, also due to trauma and emotional issues)
I am starting therapy soon but for now- I wanted to see if maybe someone here could give some advice on the matter- I really want to understand how to enjoy being submissive and letting go of control instead of feeling terrible from being used, humiliated, etc.
I don't want to live my life having only vanilla sex or being only dominant. I WANT to enjoy being submissive really bad- I just want to solve whatever's causing me to only feel bad and weak when being dominated instead of enjoying the situation and serving my dom well.
Would really appreciate an answer, if anyone has one.
Thank you

mvvblover​(switch female) • May 17, 2021

I think from my experiences, its good to start slow, and really communicate with eachother. Dont push yourself too hard. Begin with small things and slowly increase the things you do or don’t

Really hope you’ll be okay

Oh if you want to chat or something, my inbox is always open

Sculpther​(dom male) • May 17, 2021

If the trauma you experienced as a younger person was said to be your fault, which is often what abusers say in order to excuse themselves, you are probably experiencing guilt because you see enjoying it as an indicator that you are a bad person for wanting to enjoy something that you were told was wrong and that you were bad for wanting it.

You need to give yourself permission to enjoy yourself.

It is your body and you have a right to enjoy whatever you want.

House Talion​(dom male) • May 17, 2021

Trauma- therapy is the start, but not the solution. A good therapist will help you find solutions and coerce you to deal with the pain in your best way.

Your inability to orgasm with your partner may need to start with you orgasming on your own with a slight added bonus of your fetishes.

If you need to hide from your fears you might be able to use a mask during play which could be used as a trigger.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • May 17, 2021

Submission is not accepting everything that comes your way. You can have limits and still be the best Sub ever despite them. I do not accept humiliation or degradation. I get enough of that in the vanilla world and do not want to live in my mind where that is okay to accept. But some love it. My point is, finding what you need as a submissive can go a long way, especially if you are feeling guilt at not being a "proper" sub if you don't like certain things- scrap em'. That will be the first step to getting out of your mind set that you are just going to fail. You can always bring them back in. Exhibitionism is a big one I am working on. I like to be watched, but I don't like to perform, but I have slowly been letting little bits of it into my life, and I actually feel better having conquered it, but never before I am ready. It is easier to take 2 steps back, than one step forward with those things. Forgive yourself and you will find you might want the challenge, instead of the guilt one day. Good luck.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 17, 2021

You've gotten some really good SOLID advise above. I really do hope it all works for you. Nothing I love more than a happily ever after ending.

Now matter how I phrase this its going to seem cold and or callous and its not my intention (also want to add I'm not saying this is the fact but more playing devil advocate and throwing out food for thought) but at some stage your going to have to ask yourself the hard questions.

One of these questions is going to have to be: are you in this relationships for the man or the kink. Sometimes we can over look our needs for the needs of a partner and do things we don't want to, convincing our-self we do, when in reality its the relationship we fear loosing (a VERY natural re action)..or we fear of saying and speaking our personal truths and needs because we fear the relationship we love, will change for the worse. If you 100% sure your acting on the right reasons. Your therapist can and will help you work through this with you. Your partner should also be involved in therapy for the best approach.

three months ago you posted
https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=41267&highlight=#41267

in that post: You mentioned some issues already coming to the surface (although not bad and understandable) in the three months you've been living together what has changed how you feel? often there is a trigger to how we feel. Did this need get met? Did you get your vanilla down time? Is it continuing? No need for an answer to me, only you need to answer that but if you didn't, maybe the issue is the frequency of play rather than you not feeling comfortable in the role (since you say you loved it prior to moving in with him). Maybe you just need more down time between plays? There is nothing wrong with needing time to get your ducks back into a row, so they can go back on the shooting range! We all need different amounts of time. You might just need to find yours (prior to not living with him you would of had more YOU time). Listen to you, your inner you...not what is said online on what is an appropriate time frame. Its like if you ask people how many times should a couple have sex...the answer will always be different and the numbers always fudged. What is "normal" or "acceptable" is what works for the couple.

There is no shame in needing more time between scenes or having stronger limits than what you, that suit your needs. It still surprises me to this day how many assume that if its not 24/7 its not real..... REAL is what makes you and your happy. REAL is doing what works for you BOTH. If playing less often makes you enjoy the experience of play more, then its a win win for you BOTH.

You not happy, will eventually be felt by him...if you play for peace (to keep him happy, that often turns into resentment), that is just as damaging and saying "I need to stop, I need to regroup for awhile" ..ultimately the results both end up the same, so your better off dealing with what upsets you, head first. You need to re group, re assess and stop!

Wind it back, find the middle ground and you might find things balance out for you BOTH. I say BOTH because this is his life too.
Get your head right to begin with by doing what is right for YOU, if he is the one for you, he will be right beside you all the way, no matter the outcome.
BDSM is a marathon not a sprint. You have the rest of your life to play.

I hope you do find a way to make it work for you

Bunnie • May 17, 2021

@ CatLover,

Reading this, the thing that stood out is your need to mention your childhood trauma in relation to how you’re now feeling as a sub. That suggests to me that you’ve got some big things coming to the surface that perhaps are wanting to be looked at. This may sound obvious, but have you spoken with your partner about all of this? Vulnerability has so many layers, and from my experiences, no matter how many times we delve into each layer, it never gets any easier feeling so exposed. Perhaps now is a time where you really need those big, raw talks... even during play... perhaps especially during play. It may seem like a mood killer, but perhaps that’s not what it’s about at this time. Maybe at the moment the focus needs to be on adding some touches to your foundation of trust together, and feeling safe to delve that little bit deeper emotionally.

HEAVEN'S STARCHILD​(switch female) • May 17, 2021

You may also try cbt (cognitive behavior therapy) with your therapist. It has helped me in alot of aspects of my life after dealing with trauma, especially childhood trauma

Dunimos​(dom male) • May 18, 2021

Lots a great things already said... but I would add a some advice for your partner...
After care.
This is something you both need to work on and get council for... you are both in this together and they can assist you in rewiring your thoughts and feelings with solid aftercare.

CatLover​(switch female) • May 18, 2021

I have talked to him about EVERYTHING, we've done that. He shared with me me how he feels when he's sub and I asked him to maybe be a little more loving when he's dom, giving me kisses, etc.- he told me if I'm trying to control the situation instead of letting go of control, I'm not actually being submissive. He told me that we haven't really practiced too much of actual BDSM, only had some kinky sex. He's ready to take it slow with me, only problem is I want to solve the issues blocking me from enjoying the experience fully because fight now I'm not 'taking it slow', I'm just stuck in my fears and limits, never exploring anything new and I want to change that- for myself, not for him.