Giving up?

Giving up?

SydJo​(sub female) • Oct 10, 2021

I guess I am lost. I have talked to many people and a lot of times it fizzles out, whether it is lack of interest on either side, red flags, or anything else that pops up. Am I being to picky? I would like to find someone to explore with but I keep coming up short. How do you just keeping looking... is it luck or persistence that helps to find someone? At this point I really don't know what to do.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

Being picky is not an negative, looking for a good match, someone who excites and complements you is better than settling for someone who isn’t a good match, and doesn’t make you smile, be happy, tingle.

My advice, is live each day for you, use the time going forwards to read and do your own knowledge quests. There are many ways of gaining head knowledge about bdsm, great books, websites and you tube channels. This information will help prepare you for in person, or online exploration or both and will also help you spot the people who talk and walk what they say more easily. With knowledge comes ability to spot the dangerous ones more easily, but it also helps you find activities or types of dynamics you might like to explore.

Don’t give up, it is a mix of being out there, active, visible and a smidge of luck, right time right place, sometimes timings can be off and another time works better. So take part on the forums, blog, use lobby and certainly that will help you to be seen and approached. Also don’t be afraid to approach, not everyone does the primal hunting thing or making the first approach.

Now I can sense the one twue way folks who hate online running to throw their two cents on here so I will say this, online is, if you find a good match, knowledgeable, safe, ethical person, a nice introduction to the headspace and some activity. However in person carries a whole different range of possible activity and sensation that online cant give you. But in person is vastly more dangerous than online as actual harm, physical harm can occur and despite what some would try to sell you, munches and events are not 100% safe, predators operate in physical world places just as much as online.

I can hear people say you can get hurt online too, and yes you can, emotionally, even physically if some idiot tells you to do something they are ignorant of the possible risks of applying some activity poorly or is simply unsafe. Thats why knowledge, yours will help you to spot ignorant, wanabes both online and in person too. In saying that exploring in person events, workshops, conferences and dungeon 101 days/nights would be worthwhile, when Covid doesn't make doing so dangerous. Things are opening up, but to my mind its still risky re Covid, but a safer time will come. Some local communities are doing online teaching and events so worth looking for those. Munches are also away of meeting people, but many use these as fresh meat hunting opportunities so be careful, trust slowly and vet people - that applies to other ways of meeting people too, not just in person situations.

So continue to maintain your standards, desires, limits and you will find a better match, having an idea of who you want, and who you don’t is not being picky in my view but being wise, and valuing your person. It can be a long journey to find these people, they find you, but you never know what tomorrow might bring. Keep the faith.

I hope you find your best possible match, keep on keeping on.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 10, 2021

You are 22 now... what is the alternative when you give up? There are men out there who are worth it, just not all those who fill your mailbox with their kink wishes.

I want to add only one little thing and I say this after an experience that I could have pretty good done without... be sure the one you pick is free and not married. I know many people wouldn't agree, but we all need people who are completely emotionally available. Nobody can serve two people in the way at least I would need it.

Believe me, there is someone out there.

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

You need to find someone that 'conpletes' you. Granted I'm sure you're quite complete on your own, but while being without someone you may feel a longing to fill a void which if kept wanting long enough will inevitably lower your standards and allow you to make relations with partners that are truly less than your basic standards and the possibility of filling that void will blind you to the truth that they don't fill the void, they're more like a temporary plug. Best I can say is stick to your basics and when anyone shows themselves to be less than your basic needs then just keep it social. Also don't forget that you have the right to chat and play with whomever you so desire which may lead to being able to find the right per a on for you a but faster.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 12, 2021

Online sites are like buffets. People descend, over-fill their plate and after a short while, it all starts to taste the same.

Another example. You go to Disney World and race around riding every ride. After a while, it's all up and down or round and round. You're lucky if you can tell which ride is which.

This is online.

To many, it is a Masquerade and they wear a mask and play a role. Some are playing normal when they are scary and that may your red flag moments.

So to assume it will be easy to navigate so many members who all have their own reasons to be here takes a lot of time and practice with many mistakes.

If you wish to meet others in the lifestyle, which should be your first step- not finding a partner, get out and meet them. Go on FetLife which has real-time groups you can feel out on their discussion boards and then meet at munches if you wish to. Once you start meeting people in real-time, you realize how most are just ordinary people.

They are not leathered up, swaggering all-powerful commanding men who have been and done things, and know who they are.
Not nubile sex machine subs and slaves floating in on gossamer wings and kneeling joyfully at some dom's feet.

Just people.

You have to have much more in common than being on this or any site to be a match. You have to share knowledge and desire and be willing to commit to building something. You have to learn about the lifestyle and how you fit in it. Not wait for someone to offer to mentor and train you which is code for enjoy you and sex you up until they get bored and leave.

So you can give up if you wish. But I suggest you give up assuming the answers here are easy.
And take up the job of learning. A simple search on amazon for BDSM will give you lots of respected resources, but please avoid the fantasy.

And meet people not to date but to discover the real world of this.

Good Luck with it.

H*

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

Relationship hunting has always been problematic. It gets worse when you start getting seriously specific. Relax, make friends in the community, sooner.. or later...you will find what you seek, and as most do, probably in the last place you would have thought to look

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Oct 12, 2021

You're not alone.. the utter joy from this side of the slash is trying to find someone who wants what you have to offer and is genuine in that. It's harder than you think.

HEAVEN'S STARCHILD​(switch female) • Oct 12, 2021

I understand how you feel of.giving up and the experiences you have dealt with.
I myself had been foolish and not see the red.flags during a conversation. Which makes me.give up as well. Know your worth, heed the advice given. Remember you're not here to stroke someone's ego either.

Simplesimon • Oct 12, 2021

I know how you feel. I think there is no one in the world that has he Sam interests that I have. I am a switch with multiple kinks and cannot find a person who can trust. Every on has an angle, money, power, mental stability, you can name them. This is something two people work together to enjoy it is simply not a power trip for one.

Redneck Kitty​(sub female){(mdlg)} • Oct 15, 2021

I know how you feel. I'm almost ready to give up my search for a mommy too but I can't cuz I need one I have a mommy shaped hole in my heart and it desperately needs to be filled.