Exploring BDSM solo

Exploring BDSM solo

curiousxx​(sub female) • Oct 11, 2021

I have been interesting in pursuing a D/s relationship with my husband for 2 years. He has decided he is no longer interested at all, which is totally fine. But I feel like it's something I need and I feel like something is missing for me. I was hoping to receive tips/advice for getting fulfillment on my own. I have known for a while I am a sub but have discovered interest recently in being a little at times. I am unsure how to respect my husband's desire to remain out of it while still getting what I need.

Miki • Oct 11, 2021

Well, what I get from your post is your husband knows you're into BDSM but he's lost interest.

As you said, that's fine, and it is, whether everyone agrees or not--- it's not for everyone.

But respecting his desire to "stay out of it" while satisfying your desires of course means you'll have to look to another person to address this need.

If he's OK with that, you should be all set to go about finding that someone interested in forming a BDSM dynamic with a married woman--- a sticky wicket even with the "non-sexual BDSM " situations, which are not at all unusual from what I read here and there on this site.


If he's not OK with it--- after all even friends end up going beyond friendship when the mood strikes-- you'll be in for a rough go either way, either doing without a BDSM dynamic or leaving the marriage-- or sneaking around, which seldom ends well.

Sorry, I wish I had better advice/commentary than that.

Good Luck; tread wisely.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

Miki pretty much covered it all.
You don't really have many choices: find someone with your husband's blessing, find someone without his blessing, find someone without his knowledge, deal with not being fulfilled.

Does your husband know that you have been a member here for so long? If he does then maybe he has already come to terms with the fact that you need something outside of what you're getting in your marriage. In that case he may have an easier time if you choose to find someone else for those needs.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Oct 12, 2021

Self-bondage might be an option for you if you don't necessarily need the interpersonal aspect of d/s, or if you're comfortable with shifting down your expectations to that level. From personal experience, it is satisfying, though I've done without a romantic partner of any kind so far, so it might work even better for you.
I'll reserve my life advice, but nonetheless, I think it'd be best to figure out exactly what aspects of d/s you need satisfied before considering seeking extra suitors. You may find you just enjoy the tightness of leather \o/ good luck

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 12, 2021

Tread carefully would be my advice. Permission or not, acceptance or not, it is one thing to give such permissions, it is all together another world when he has to accept you being satisfied sexually and emotionally by another person. Remember, bells cannot be unrung ... what may be simple exploration today, could well undermine the foundations of your marriage tomorrow.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 12, 2021

you haven listed a lot in your profile so I'm going to have guess at a lot. sorry if not a lot resonates.

I'm not going judge you. I'll add to the question you asked and add to what
what Knightsundere​(sub male) wrote ..

What ways could your husband still be a part of solo play? Would he be open top things like BDSM porn playing in the background during sex or feeding your imagination with at least verbal chatter about BDSM during sex. Or still using pet names that might denote roles without using them? Does he have a pet name for you? something as simple as him adding "MY insert name here" can go a long way to keeping your head space and it need not imply anything BDSM to anyone else but you.
Most sexual beings often indulge in "some" kink of kinky practice. What are his kinks? Even the most vanilla of us has some kinks in the per-verbal chain, yes I know he said he doesn't want D/s but does that include all things "kinky" or BDSM related?
What are HIS kinks and interests? How can you BE OF SERVICE to him, seeing to HIS needs? or is YOUR own "sensation" satisfaction more important to you? (not wrong if it is) You need to be able to know what drives YOU, to find things that suits your situation. Then it just a matter of working, with what you have, BETWEEN you BOTH. Finding a balance that works for you BOTH. You are giving up a part of you, it is only fair he meets you somewhere in the middle ground too! This is called marriage. This is called a relationship. this is a partnership does, even the non kinked ones! If you don't find a middle ground, you will begin to resent him for it..its not a matter of "if" it is "when" Compromise needs to happen!

Would he mind if you wore a collar during sex? would he mind things like holding it by a short leash? If hes not into leather or ropes, how would he feel if the medium is different like silk scarves or ribbons? Some times changing the "look" can change the mindset with the user but keep enough meaning or implication for the receiver. Also in the same vein what about role playing? Often some people have trouble accepting the role of Dominant but the role of say "headmaster" or "lead coach to the high school hockey team" might sit better for short terms (or just every so often). A persona they can put on and take off immediately when finished can go a long way. Using role play can give a person a way out, a self justification, its a way for the brain to be accepting of the actions without guilt....kinda like saying to themselves... "it wasn't me, it was the role I was playing"

You've also haven't mentioned how he feels about having..lets call it a "sex slave" or a pleasure slave! it is your job to sexually satisfy him. No ropes or chains, no pain or correction. He might even open to you doing this while collared and leashed. He needn't even hold the leash if it is an issue, it could be placed on hook on the bedhead. Could you even sleep that way? its simple and often non threatening things that can go a long way and add up to something useful in your mind set and keep you feeling submissive, even of you aren't fully acting submissive
Also if your kink is service...this is easy to do too. What every days needs does he have, that you could use to help for-fill you? Can you make his lunch for work, clean, wash, laundry ,organize his days..what skills do you have that could better his life?
What about clothing chooses? could he direct yours? What actions/activities can you deffer to him?

Ultimately you will need to ask yourself...will this all be enough? will loving him be enough?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 12, 2021

stepped away and thought of some others.
How would he feel if you became a demonstration model for a local BDSM group, conventions or live demos? in short you play the local receiver for those without partners or the become the bondage bunny. Of course all remaining non sexual and VERY public related.
no group in your area what about modeling for the local art group. You'll get told to take poses and hold positions. Often be asked to naked to and watched and get a little extra cash all within a safe place in a non sexual environment.

another thing to ask your partner is how he feels if you had an online partner?
Often for some of us humans the dividing line on what is "cheating" is blurry or can over looked when it comes to circumstances. the "line" will be in different place for us all.
how would he feel if you where online, being submissive for payment? (against the rules of this site) in an environment where he could could always "watch" at any given moment?

Your situation isn't a bad one or doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship, you just might need to look at things in a different way.
Best of luck to you

A Cloud​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 12, 2021

This doesn't exactly answer your question, and I apologise if it's not accurate or relevant, but.... It may be a problem of insecurity for your husband. He feels confronted by this whole unknown world that appears dangerous and scary in his eyes. I would agree with Bonnie; performing acts of service for him and including small, non-intimidating aspects of BDSM during play/sex that will get him excited and wanting more.

curiousxx​(sub female) • Oct 12, 2021

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. You've all given me a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with my husband. I have no interest in sneaking around, he is informed I am on this site and has actually spoken to a Dom from here when I first signed up about information.

I know I do not have a whole lot of information on d/s and I appreciate that you all were willing to take some time to offer what advice/thoughts you had. I'm always looking for an opportunity to learn so if there were any questions for me about my relationship that could help with advice, please feel free to message me. I dont know anyone involved in BDSM so it's nice to have people to ask advice from.

Thank you again everyone!