A Master's Responsibilities

A Master's Responsibilities

JamesSeeker​(dom male) • Dec 16, 2017

I'm new to bdsm and being a dom so I'm trying to learn as much as I can.

With that said, what are a dom's responsibilities to a sub or a slave? On the surface a D/s relationship seems like a sub is used for a master's pleasure and nothing else but I think it's safe to say there's a lot more to it than that. I've heard some people talk about aftercare but I don't know what that means in detail. Do the responsibilities change based on the relationship with the sub?

And what about 24/7 relationships? I've heard these carry a lot of responsibilities on the part of the dom but I don't have any clue what they are aside from a few vague financial ones like housing and food.

Can any one help me out with this? I'm serious about being a dom and I don't want to ruin it through ignorance or lack of care on my part.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Dec 17, 2017

There's a lot in there to unpack. It's late and I'm tired but I'll give it a shot.

"what are a dom's responsibilities to a sub or a slave?"

Quite a few. You control their pleasure, and need to walk a line between pleasing them and pleasing yourself at all times.

Your are their protector and guide, and have to make sure they feel safe and secure. You have to see the moves and twists ahead, and move confidently in the right direction.

Unlike a sub, you can't just surrender and trust. You are the recipient of that trust and submission, and must treat it like the precious gift that it is.

You always need to have a rational part of your brain in reserve, watching, protecting, adjusting words and actions.

You are responsible for your sub's mental well being to some degree as well. While you can't 'fix' someone (evergrey has a great new blog entry about that) you certainly have to make sure you don't break them for your own pleasure without healing and making them better... which leads us to the next question.

"I've heard some people talk about aftercare but I don't know what that means in detail. Do the responsibilities change based on the relationship with the sub? "

Aftercare is making sure that the sub recovers fully from play or a scene. Subspace can make a sub very withdrawn, and dredge up very strong and deep emotions. While this does allow a sub a greater degree of pleasure in the moment, you can't simply abandon them in that mindset after play is done.

To use a drastically simplified metaphor, BSDM is swimming out to the deep ocean and frolicking in the waves. Aftercare is getting back to shore, even (especially) if the sub can't help themselves there.

You stay. You cuddle, you hold, you talk. All of that, or none of that. Your responsibility is to learn exactly what they need there, and make sure they get it.

Yes, responsibilities and actions there will vary with every sub. Some may be fine with a few words and short moments of intimacy, others may take hours or even days to fully unpack and feel good about the heavy emotions dredged up in play.

If you fail there, you leave another human being vulnerable and hurt due to your actions (or lack thereof). You can't take that lightly or brush that off, ever. You suck up pride, put your own feelings in the background, and sacrifice your own well being there if you have to.***

And what about 24/7 relationships? I've heard these carry a lot of responsibilities on the part of the dom.

They do. Not really my thing, so hopefully others can and will speak on that. 24/7 means controlling all aspects of a sub's life, and the responsibilities above all increase. Clothing choices, rules for your sub, meal and lifestyle choices, actions and duties all need to be carefully thought out with your sub's pleasure and engagement in mind. It's A LOT of thinking and planning, especially at first.

***You as a Dom need aftercare as well. Dom Drop is real and while a good Dom should feel good about putting their sub first there, that sort of suppression and sacrifice isn't good long term if you don't take time to care for yourself.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 17, 2017

*shuffles some papers around*

Hi there!

A bit on Aftercare:

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=12897&postid=1509

Also, a book I highly recommend to you is "The Heart of Dominance" by Anton Fulmen. You can do a search for it and find it on a popular online retail site in hardcover and e-book format. Very much worth buying. It will help you a LOT with learning how to have a healthy d/s relationship.

LordofPain56 • Dec 17, 2017

Speaking from the viewpoint of traditional, "head-of-household" or "taken-in-hand" type relationship (which had been the norm for thousands of years, at least up until about 100 yrs ago), the basics would be:
1) The man, Dominant or Master is the protector of his girl. He keeps her from physical, mental and spiritual harm (even if that means restricting some of her freedoms to prevent her from accidentally or unknowingly harm herself). Obviously the Master himself must not cause her physical, mental and spiritual harm, thus he must be intelligent, self-disciplined, attentive, understanding and compassionate among other things.
2) The Man, etc is financially responsible for her (and himself) combined as a unit. He must make certain that she has food, clothing & shelter at the very least. In todays world where both partners might each have an income, this requirement is not negated. The Man is still responsible and may need to oversee her expenditures. Typically in these types of relationships, it is understood that major financial decisions are discussed between them with the man having final authority to engage or decline a significant expenditure or loan.
3) The man acts as her guide and teacher in all matters (physical, mental and spiritual). The submissive should look up to her man, follow his knowledge and teachings and use his actions and his life as an example for her to follow, obey him at the least and adopt his attitudes toward religious & political beliefs at the very most. Nowadays, your militant liberal feminist crowd would highly disagree with this. Physically, the Master teaches her what he likes domestically/sexually, allows her time to adapt to his desires. As she gains experience, he may gradually increase intensity of playtime activities after giving her a safe-word to use.
4) On the matter of personal freedoms, this varies by couples. I don't like the idea of picking and choosing her personal friends, but if she has one who is a bad influence, or in some way dangerous, I warn her about it up to a certain point and allow her to decide if she should end the friendship. I believe that the Master should allow her outings with friends and girls night out as long as they don't get into trouble. If they do, it is Masters responsibility to curb her activities without his presence. I think we've already discussed financial freedoms.
5) The man is responsible for his girl's health. This can be in light form or taken to extremes. Master may impose diet and exercise routines, but if so, he too should participate (after all, he is supposed to be the good example, right?). In my viewpoint, health also falls under the protection category. I personally do not go in for extreme sports like hang-gliding, bungee-jumping, para-sailing or anything like that, but then, I wouldn't hook up with an adrenaline junkie in the first place (unless she happened to be a masochist who craves a brutal whipping with long stingy multi-tail floggers) Haha.

LordofPain56 • Dec 18, 2017

I went back up and read what Fudbar said about providing aftercare and agree it is essential. Back in the days when I had a girl, I used to lay with her, gently massaging and kissing her breasts, belly and ribs, whisper how much I loved and appreciated her in her ear, lighted scented candles and always kept a sippy cup of fruit juice near so I could feed it to her like a baby. You just stay there for a while with her in a soft way. It seems to give her the assurance that you are there for her and appreciate her and I think it helps to "seal" or confirm her love for you, at least with some girls.

I don't know about the need for aftercare for a Dom. I've never had it so I guess I don't need it. I have always been satisfied with fulfilling my responsibilities and don't seem to need more than that.

LordofPain56 • Dec 18, 2017

One more thing I wanted to comment about from Fudbars reply (which is excellent, BTW). In speaking of 24/7 relationships, the characteristics he mentions (clothing choices, meal choices, financial submission, lifestyle choices etc), are all related to 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) type relationships. These are IMO extreme type relationships whereby the Master controls every aspect of the subs life. Another term sometimes used is "micro-management".
While a traditional, "head-of-household" or "Taken-in-hand" type relationship may incorporate some form of some of these characteristics for fulfilling the Masters responsibilities in the realm of health or protection to a lesser degree, micro-managing is more akin to total slavery IMO.
The original poster seems to be a beginner. There are a few really good sources in the internet for learning about all this and you should take the time to educate yourself prior to getting in too deep.