Coping with loss of first Dom

Coping with loss of first Dom

dizzyjo • Jul 22, 2022

Hello, I am very new to this world. I've always had my kinks/fetishes as long as I can remember, before I even really knew what I was feeling..
I didn't really have a way to explore it until my now ex. She was my first Dom and I guess I am just feeling so lost. This truly feels harder than a normal breakup and i'm worried maybe I'm being ridiculous.
However I'm finding myself having a hard time cumming on my own when I masturbate.. I'm not sure if it's just a mental block due to stress or what but I hope it won't be like this forever...
I'm so scared of starting over. I don't know if anyone can help me but I was hoping maybe someone, anyone would have advice. I'm really struggling.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jul 22, 2022

Welcome to the world of intense relationships.

First, you are normal. Give yourself time to mourn the "death" of the relationship.

*Sings* Second verse, same as the first....YOU! ARE! NORMAL!

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jul 22, 2022

First of all as SBD said, give yourself some time to heal from this relationship. You’re probably feeling pretty lost right now but it’s normal. You’ve gone from devoting yourself so much to someone else and then suddenly being alone.
As for the not being able to cum, if it’s because of an issue that you don’t have permission from her, try to remind yourself that you are no longer bound by that rule anymore. Maybe meditate on that thought for a few minutes before starting.

shysweetness​(sub female) • Jul 22, 2022

Hi dizzyjo,

SBD said it very well; I just wanted to let you know I had been through something similar after my first D/s relationship ended.

The ending when it came blindsided me...it truly came out of the blue and was absolutely crushing. I had never had any trouble orgasming but I did for awhile after that relationship ended. I can't remember how long the trouble lasted but at the time I felt broken. It did eventually pass; it just took awhile.

I wish I had some profound advice for you, some magic words that would fix things but I dont.
Just don't give up, and please take especially good care of yourself. I don't think you are ridiculous.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Jul 22, 2022

Time heals all wounds, Give the time, "Some time"

Zelia • Jul 22, 2022

This, take time. Things that have helped me are
Setting my own routine and schedule to help me maintain structure
Setting expectations for nutrition, hydration and exercise and sticking to them, with the help of tracking apps if necessary
Finding a peaceful hobby that occupies the mind and hands, I like bullet journaling
Find a series to watch
Spend time outdoors, running and cycling are my ‘go to’ outdoor things, there are some good beginner programmes for running online, but everyone has their own thing
Reading

In terms of staying safe I have spent time with trusted Dom friends, they’ve checked in on me and held me accountable for my schedules and expectations and encouraged in other areas.
I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to ask them for tasks, this helps falling into dangerous situations where the need to task as a distraction from emotional upset pushes you towards the wrong people.
Many people would warn against such relationships but they can be very safe and incredibly helpful in navigating the difficult first weeks following the breakdown of a dynamic. The key is to ensure the person you engage with is a trusted friend that you know well and discuss how it will work to ensure you’re both on the same page.

Notely • Jul 23, 2022

Memories always take us back ,but hold on to those dreams to keep going forward.

Rise Above The Bullsh*t Flick your light Back On and Shine It Brighter Then Ever.
Be the King of Wishful thinking. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBZUz4C6kqk&t=3s
Live your life go on adventure and explore , love yourself and please yourself. Change mindset reserve it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXGXbcTwJpI

Sportsgirl55​(sub female) • Jul 25, 2022

You are very normal!! The D/s relationship can be more intense and intimate that a "vanilla" relationship, so often those feelings, mixed with the dependence a sub has on their Dom/me can make the ending of that relationship much more intense.

After my first Domme ghosted me after a year of us being together, I took a break from the lifestyle completely, and was filled with a lot of self-doubt about my abilities as a submissive. It took me time to heal. One thing that helped me was this community and knowing that there was a safe place here I could continue to learn and grow. In the end, the relationship taught me more about myself and my (dare I say it) needs and desires as a submissive.

As far as the trouble with achieving orgasm... First, give yourself permission to cum! Second, whatever kinks you enjoy, see if you can safely incorporate that into your alone time. I often practice self-bondage, with easy to escape cuffs, or use nipple clamps, to add the elements I need to enjoy even my own self-pleasure.

Hope this helps.

idClare • Jul 28, 2022

Hello. {{{Hugs}}}

Modified behavior only continues for so long without reinforcement. This means the orgasm control conditioning will fade because its not being reinforced.

Something to keep in mind is your emotional state can have an impact on the process of reconditioning. An example is whether or not your tightly clinging to the past relationship or whether you are in the process of acceptance and letting it go. Basically, you have to want to deprogram and let go of the conditioning. Does that make sense?

Just know that where ever you are at with the loss of this relationship, its valid. You and your heart are in the exact place you need to be at this moment.
{{{hugs}}}

One thing you might try if your heart allows, is to imagine, in detail, a past scene with your ex Dom as you stimulate yourself, and imagine them giving permission or commanding you to orgasm.

Blessing. <3

Petra​(sub female) • Jul 28, 2022

You're not being ridiculous please don't think that way. My Ex was also my first dom and he left me in January. Its earth-shattering. I felt completely lost and adrift without this person in my life who showed me love and comfort and gave me structure it was like my world came shattering down around me. And he left me in a manner that made any kind of friendship or communication impossible for me (He left me via text). The best advice I can give you is let yourself step back for a while. The grieving process sucks but eventually, it will hurt less. I relied heavily on one of my best friends who is a submissive I met here on the cage for support. Find people to talk to who will listen and you feel comfortable sharing with. A kink aware/positive therapist can be really helpful as well. And remember the pain won't last forever.