What characteristics do you look for in a potential dom/sub?

What characteristics do you look for in a potential dom/sub?

groogle​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2022

I've seen a lot of relationship advice recently from people with very different viewpoints, and I'm curious about what other people actually care about and value in a woman/man they want to date.

Are there specific physical attributes?
Character qualities?
What makes someone attractive?

Lady Char​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2022

I look for intelligence and a quiet dominant energy bc I am quite high strung and need bringing down off the ceiling.

Experience, too. Someone who has taken the time to make themselves knowledgeable.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 5, 2022

2 way conversation
A brain
Drive

Without these nothing else matters to me.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2022

Someone who is interested in getting to know me as a person--and someone that I am interested in getting to know as a person. The sex stuff comes secondary.

We'reInthistogether​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2022

I look for a strong desire to please me, especially in the bed room. If I tell them I like being rimmed and by the second date they're on that....you've got got a girl/woman with a lot potential. I also like subs that multiple orgasm, if you play the keys correctly.

And someone who doesn't bore me. I can and will talk about anything at any time... and currently I'm with someone who loves TikTok...II can actually feel the brain cellls and ego chase..it's really the ultimate waist of time while creators and listeners get their dopamine fix and the Chinese realize just how pathetic we've become.

Estaria​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2022

I don't think the things I'm looking for have changed all that much since I began my journey in this lifestyle. Now, I'm still very new...but I guess I just added a few more check boxes to take care of the dominant side of a person. Personality always comes first for me, I need to love someone emotionally/mentally to have any kind of sexual attraction to them.

*They need to be funny, I love laughing and I love making people laugh. I'm very sarcastic and I will most likely spend 80% of my time trying to annoy my person, so they need to have an amazing sense of humor.
*Consistency consistency consistency makes me feel safe, as well as just being reliable and keeping your word.
*Honesty
*Great communication
*Patience (a lot lol)
*Loyalty
*Calm and collected
*Strict but loving
*Thoughtful spontaneous, and confident.
*Physical looks are important to a certain point, but a great personality is going to decide whether I am physically attracted to you or not.

I need someone who isn't scared of my emotions and will help me control them and overcome my obstacles with my feelings. Those are the basics! I'm kind of a chameleon in that my sub personality changes depending on my dom.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2022

And you might spend 80% of the time over his knee, as well. Haha...

Estaria​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2022

Win win situation! I will happily take my punishment with a giggle. lol

Miki • Nov 5, 2022

I keep it simple., and since I'm inactive, I'd have to call it what I'd look for in a --hypothetical-- pal.

Not necessarily a dom or even a guy although I make better friends with dudes. One might almost say "vanilla extract mixed in" and that's what works for me.

Physical attributes? Here's where I'd love to say "The second coming of John "Johnny Wadd" Holmes--- but that's bullshit.

I don't place a lot of emphasis-- within reason-- on what someone looks like. I mean I'll be friendly with anyone but for attraction, weight extremes do give me pause.. and I mean Son of Skeletor -- or the fucking Sta Puft thing from Ghostbusters (the first one) . ---That's simply nature and the hormones. Laws of attraction and all that shit.

Aside from that as long as the partner is clean I'm down.

Character qualities? Well I'm at mos at home in the company of fellow smart-asses.

Also, people who aren't thin skinned because (not that anyone would notice) my witty side is occasionally caustic.

I'll add "candid"-- Candor is a quality we don't see as much as we used to, because it seems people are too sensitive these days and being too honest can get one's ass in a sling. Candid as opposed to just plain "honest" Everyone wants that, but it comes in varying degrees.

And finally, what makes someone attractive to me-- all of the above... It also helps if someone doesn't like to talk too much.

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Side comment for the O P... The bit about "all kinds of relationship advice" from "differing viewpoints".. Therein lies the rub. I don't seek relationship advice anywhere online, or even IRL -- Advice is often opinion-driven

Relationship advice, from my perspective, is like toilet paper. There's a lot of different types out there but through it all, you have to find a balance between the cheap one-ply that's as good as newspaper on over to the too-fluffy kind that feels like you're wiping your ass with cotton balls.

eewwww!

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If none of this helped, sorry... I have never been in a committed or long term relationship so I'm sure a lot of what I just wrote isn't too helpful.

But I wrote it anyway!

niceguywithaplan​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2022

This is a great question, in fact, I will be posting a similar question here in the forum in the next day or so as I have been feeling very discouraged by the lack of responses to my ad/profile and I wish to discover if it is a problem with the wording of my posts or if my interests are so different from others here or if, in fact, it's just a lack of available partners here. That being said, I will attempt to give an honest an enlightening answer to the question of what I look for in a sub.
In my humble opinion, I belive the qualities that one looks for in a date are going to be slightly different than the qualities one looks for in a sub or dom.
Do others feel this way also? When dating, we are slowly learning about each other, keeping guarded the things that may turn off the other person, keeping things light and incorporating many aspects of our lives such as family history, work, hobbies etc. I believe when seeking a sub or dom, we are much more direct, much more honest, and we get to the deeper things much quicker, as we do not wish to waste each other's time and of course above all we wish to be safe and be in the confines of our partner's needs and limits. In the dating world, at least in my experience, it is quite a bit of time before sexual discussions including turn-ons etc are discussed for fear of driving the other person away, but in the BDSM world, it is often put right out there in order to be truthful and safe.One thing I will say, it is very rare, in my experience, to go from dating to the BDSM world, as that foundation was not begun at the beginning and if it is introduced later on can many times frighten our partner away, however, many times if we begin in the BDSM frame of mind, it most often does lead to romantic feelings as we know each other so intimately right from the start that the trust and bond are amazingly deep. Enough of my introductory thoughts, here are the things I look for.

In the dating world, I would look for a girl with a sense of humor, someone honest and fun to be around. I would look for someone who has similar interests, such as hobbies or music genre, etc.

In the BDSM world I would look for many of those things, sense of humor, similar interests, honesty, but then it would go deeper. I would look for a girl who has done research into the lifestyle, so that she understands at least in general, what she is looking for. I am looking for a girl who can express her wants/needs/and fears. I would want someone who was not ashamed to talk to me about her history and traumas as that would be very important in the training that I gave her. I would never ever wish to work with her on something that would harm her emotionally and so that is where honesty comes in. I would look for a sense of child-like innocence in her as that is where the best molding/training begins.
In the BDSM world, even more so than in the dating world, outer beauty is not very important, as that can fluctuate from day to day, rather, my choice in a sub, would come to me as a clean slate, open to my views on how I prefer she dress, amount of makeup etc. Inner beauty, that of the mind, is much more important than outer beauty.
Most importantly, what I look for in a sub is enthusiasm. If the girl I am working with is just as interested in watching the Bachelor on TV as she is on the lifestyle, I cannot work with her. I need someone who is dedicated to learning and growing her sexuality and knowledge of herself. If it isn't that important to her, she is wasting both my time and hers.

It seems there are a lot of people in the lifestyle, people who enjoy almost any type of kink, which is encouraging, it is, however, very difficult to connect, especially for males as there are not nearly enough females interested in the lifestyle. Hopefully we can all connect with the right person and have a lot of safe fun!