Advice on being turned down by a Dominant.

Advice on being turned down by a Dominant.

KinkyKey​(sub female) • Apr 22, 2023

Hello, everyone. First and foremost, I do want to thank everyone in advance for replying to this.

I have been talking to a Dominant for the last eight months. This talking being calling every single night and talking for hours. He's an amazing guy, super sweet, so responsible, and a billion of other things that I adore about him. He is everything I could ever wish for in a Dominant. Well, things have been going really well with him. We're into a lot of the same things, have the same ideals (in and out of the community), and have told each other that our goal is to meet in person. He went on a trip so I wasn't able to talk to him as much, so I had extra time to think about him. After all of this thinking, I came to the conclusion that I was ready to start getting to know him in person. Not necessarily jump into the dynamic right away, but to start meeting him in person to gauge if we still have the same connection that we do over the phone and through text. So, I messaged him and asked if starting to move toward that direction would be something he wanted. I was TERRIFIED. Scariest feeling ever to put yourself out there and ask something like that. Well, my worst nightmare came true and he told me that he did want to, but that he couldn't do it. That he has a lot going on and with the responsibility of being a Dominant comes taking into account what time and attention he would be able to give me. That with him having to go on his trips and not knowing how long he would be gone for he didn't think he would be able to give me the time I deserve. He told me that although he doesn't know what the future will bring, so we'll have to see basically. I completely understand where's coming from.

This is the part that I need advice on. I very much adore him. He's the closest friend I've ever had, and he's been there for me through A LOT in the past eight months. I don't want to stop talking to him because I do adore him, but I also can not go another eight months of speaking to him, developing feelings for him, and pining for him and find out again that he's not able to give me more. It hurts to know that I have everything I want at my fingertips and but I CAN'T have it. I am only 23. I want to experience things. I've never really been in a relationship of any kind and I've only had sex with one person. I want to do things, be with people, experience life stuff. The problem is do I want to give up on him to experience these things. And the thing is, is that he doesn't want to hold me back, so if I were to tell him that I was thinking about this he would push for me to go experience things. HIs number one thing he cares about is my happiness and wellbeing.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice, or opinions, would be very much appreciated.

Solace​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2023

Move on. Start talking to other people. I understand you feel he is everything you feel you want, however, you have been rejected. I understand you feel there is still a slightly open door called the future. It is not actually there. You have no idea how long this phase of his life will be. You have no idea if he doesn't want any sort of relationship with you and is seeking a soft way to not damage your confidence.

Move on. When your young opportunities can feel like you can't miss this shot, but that isn't true. There are other people to devote yourself to, who are ready to devote themselves to you. I know you don't want to stop talking to this person, but you should start to limit your contact with hm. You will hold yourself back, hoping this person will accept you. You will unfairly compare others to a glorified version of him even if you don't admit it.

23 is young, but it isn't that young. The majority of men in survey's state that they want a young and pure partner which often means under 30 or less. Lets assume you want to be married. You have no relationship experience, meaning you lack the advantage of knowing what you need to hold onto and how to hold onto one. You have spent 8 months, almost a year before considering entering into one. You will likely need couple months or more before you can seriously consider another man. The argument I'm making here is from what you've told us you likely have several relationships to go before you find someone you can marry and at your pace you're going to be pushing your luck on the age thirty metric. Does it mean dating is over for you at thirty? No, but there is statistical evidence that a ladies prospects sharply decline at 30 and every person should play their cards where they have the best chance of succeeding. As a young, relatively pure girl you have a lot of advantages right now in the dating scene and you should put yourself out there quite a bit.

Something you should do, but isn't done often anymore is talk to your parents about how to find a good partner. I don't know your parents current marital status but if they're still together its a strong indicator that they either have some inkling on how to pick a partner or they know how to make it work and can provide good insight to you. Most ladies when they do this tend to speak to their mother, which is good for learning how to keep a relationship but to get one you really need to talk to your father. As a man your father can speak to you about what men want in a girl while cautioning you about the men to avoid. If your parents are not married only speak to to your father about what men want and find another couple you can trust like grandparents or any of your friends parents you get along well with. Ask them to give it to you straight and honest and these people will have a vested interest in seeing you along a straight path.

Good luck, you have everything you need to succeed if you work for it now.

Richlydefined​(sub female){Gardener} • Apr 22, 2023

Nobody is going to be able to tell you exactly how to do this but I can tell you how I have dealt with very similar situations over the years.

First I reassess my feelings. Can I have a strictly friendship relationship with this person? Just because I WANT them to still be part of my life Can I realistically have that without hoping for more? Am I able to set aside any hopes I'd once had and just be a good quality friend back to this person without my dreams or expectatons being in the way? If the answer is no for any reason then I tell them and often have had to just let it die off. Good while it lasted but it isn't good for me to dwell on something that can never be.

In a very few cases they have given me the time I need to situate our relationship into a friendship mentality and we've been able to continue contact. Those are some good friendships too but they are rare.

The point is that now that you know where they stand what is going to be best for YOU in the long run? These are difficult things to ask yourself but I think they are important because they show us just how much we value our own well-being. Just because you want something you can't have does that mean you want it to be in the way of something else, possibly better that comes along? Can you achieve that while still having contact with this person?

You'll probably always have a thought or two that strays back to them but it will lessen over time. You hear people say "Focus on yourself for a while" but they don't really tell you what that looks like. For me it looks like going out and doing things I want to do without relaying them to anyone for a while. I decide I want to see a movie so I get up and go, or I'm driving past my favorite spot so I'm gonna go get breakfast and read a book there. Little things that I enjoy that only I need to give recognition to and maybe tell my girl-friends about because I had a really good coffee or something. Setting up a daily walk/ride/run in my favorite area of town. Volunteer some time with my Auxiliary group. Find a long show to obsess over or take up a new activity to suck up some extra time and quiet my mind. Sooner or later you realize that there are other parts of life that open to you and you can put that "coulda been" relationship into a different perspective. I find It's easier after that to come back fresh and ready to try something else and who knows along the way maybe you meet someone else.

You're entirely right that 23 is young and there is no reason to put your own self growth on the back burner for a maybe, people will constantly move in and out of your life and its ok for that to happen. This guy seems like he wants you to have all the good things but he can't give them to you so give them to yourself instead.

Bunnie • Apr 22, 2023

It kind of sounds like he’s married.

Sasa​(dom female) • Apr 23, 2023

I would say he has a family. Wife, kids all of this. Happens all the time sadly. I'm sorry you fell in love with someone who is possibly a cheater.

darlingdiana​(sub female){Protected } • Apr 24, 2023

We've all been tied this bed post...am i right ladies?

In my regretful experience, he seems to have all the time in the world for a text and phone relationship that builds his ego and adoration all for him. Men are not daft and saying he wants what's best for you and your happiness is a conflict of interest.
Any Man will tell you, when they want something it takes a moment to be sure, few seconds to stake a claim and a few minutes to go and get exactly what they want. No hesitations.
Questions 8 mons later can turn into anger, regrets and the most expensive thing in the world- years of time in the blink of an eye. It only costs you, and its the one thing you can never get back. Don't let anyone spend you.
He may seem irreplaceable, unforgettable and the only one- but any great Con Artist knows being the one thing someone loves and can never have, is the greatest pedestal and euphoria to be on and have, especially when feeling low in and living a very different life. They have all the time in the world to work on that aspiration.
You are young, wait out the pain and for someone who SHOWS you what you deserve- the best and happiest IN life, rather than "wish it" for you.
In a world full of hopeless romantics- be a wedding crasher

Brush up on the negging.

Hekate He Near​(switch female){Eros} • Apr 25, 2023

If I had advice to give my 23 y/o self, first I would tell her that any man who comes on like your dom is probably married and his "trip" came on because his wife wanted to know what was up.

Second I would say that red flags also abound in this response above here. This type of negging has been used for millennia to attract young people who may have been raised in a way that makes them vulnerable to a very controlling relationship. I personally would avoid anyone who suggests that a 23 y/o who has had one intimate relationship is "relatively" pure by today's standards. You are pure, and purely yourself, you are young, beautiful, strong, adventurous and you have your whole life ahead of you.

A mature, experienced, safe Dom does not wear his Dom McDomly pants out of the house in a non-playful way. This response is intense.

Date, don't settle until you find the one you know is right by what he DOES, not just what he says.

Another red flag is that he gives advice based on ZERO evidence. Does he know your parents? In his world, you mom married your Dad "young and pure" at least 24 years ago when the world didn't immediately hunt and devour anyone with "purity" or decency on display. I'm not sure what advice he thinks she'd be able to offer in that case. And then your Dad (this is not directed at you, I'm sure your parents are lovely) BUT does he know that?! NO. For all he knows your Dad is in prison for killing your Mom. He just inhabits a fantasy world where men marry young, innocent, moldable teenagers and live happily ever after with their personal June Cleaver. That's not reality.

I would LOVE to see any surveys saying most American men want "young and pure" partners. I looked for one and found this instead:
https://www.medicaldaily.com/age-just-number-younger-men-who-now-prefer-dating-older-women-320136; and
https://assets.ctfassets.net/juauvlea4rbf/1kmtOU2RRXrAB9Jz1JRmwe/20ee3375a5ba9f2d31fcbf9fb5a2e541/191105_Ideal_partner_survey.pdf

And that 30 year old statistic? Also False according to:
https://www.businessinsider.com/average-marriage-age-united-states-2019-2#:~:text=Carl%20Court%2FGetty-,The%20average%20marriage%20age%20for%20Americans%20has%20increased%20over%20time,Insider's%20homepage%20for%20more%20stories.
https://blog.ons.gov.uk/2019/04/01/married-by-30-youre-now-in-the-minority/
Also, you are not now and will never be a statistic. Lies, dirty lies, and statistics is a saying for a reason. Whenever someone uses statistics to make a point, ask for the survey, and read it.

This lifestyle involves all levels of play and dynamics. I would not start out at 23 jumping into a dynamic. Play at it first. Flirt, talk, read, explore (there is so much to explore) but do not feel obligated to jump into a controlling relationship that YOU don't choose. Nobody that should be in your life will judge you for who you are, as long as you are not hurting yourself or others (without consent ).

Solace​(dom male) • Apr 25, 2023

My impression is you did not read or reply to my post with critical thinking. I encourage us to start again in the name of fair and civil discourse.

I've read your articles and will sum them and my counter points here as best I can with the URL's again pasted below the talking point:

1.) The first article is from medical daily written by and references other articles all written by ladies which claims that men are preferring older women using data from dating websites. It does not disclose the rate or the data used however. Its also drawing a false logical conclusion, at least from whats provided. For example its drawing its conclusion from what the average men use as their age search range. This is not a direct correlation to what men want to have a relationship with, but is indicative with what they will sleep with. A more useful statistic we could discuss would be how many men from that category led to significant long lasting relationships. Distinctly this article is a female perspective on mens desires without actually including data.

https://www.medicaldaily.com/age-just-number-younger-men-who-now-prefer-dating-older-women-320136

2.) Is a survey conducted for what an ideal partner is. It has a truly commendable data size, but only 3% of the data is male which is off putting in a survey used here to convey the male perspective. If anything it indicates a fantastically greater care and emphasis on female perspective while relatively ignoring the male. While the data is segregated by male/female perspective the talking points do not list age and I would highly argue that this article argues significantly in my favor. For example on the subject of purity and using their 0-6 scale with 0 being not important and 6 being highly important 42% of males stated that sexual experience is not important and 16% indicated that it was. The section on this is quite poor, a mere single compound sentence failing to break down what question was asked or what experience meant. It fails to address men's ideologies towards number of partners or what an acceptable/unacceptable amount of experience even is. However, if 42% say experience is unimportant, then its fair to say that with a roughly even distribution that 60-70% of men assign it some level of unimportant. While I've established this statistic is not directly relevant to my statements above that men value purity, it certainly argues more for my point that if asked men would prefer less sexual experience. A fantastic article, not just because it supports my points, but because I believe its a good read for men on this platform to examine precisely because of its emphasis on the female perspective and what women want. Thank you for referencing it.

https://assets.ctfassets.net/juauvlea4rbf/1kmtOU2RRXrAB9Jz1JRmwe/20ee3375a5ba9f2d31fcbf9fb5a2e541/191105_Ideal_partner_survey.pdf

3.) This is an article that briefly discusses the average age of marriage trending over the years. Specifically it states what percentage of population by age bracket has been married at least once. I love the data and how its presented however it really doesn't apply to my previous talking points. I said that Ladies receive less attention from men as they age, particularly after the age of 30. The data shown is a "swallow bracket" which means that statistical chance of being married by say the 50-60 range includes all of the ages past. The actual chart itself shows that 60%, the clear majority of people are married by the age of 30. Indicating that relationships started before 30, i.e a preference for younger paring. If anything, again this supports my point despite not being a direct implication of "attention" and mens preference. Finally it really should be noted that while the data is from a solid source...its for Minnesota of all places...1.7% of the United states. I love you ladies in Minnesota, but even assuming that the States were all culturally similar you don't meet the requirements of a statistically relevant sample. An interesting article but really not much of substance here, more of clickbait than anything.


https://www.businessinsider.com/average-marriage-age-united-states-2019-2#:~:text=Carl%20Court%2FGetty-,The%20average%20marriage%20age%20for%20Americans%20has%20increased%20over%20time,Insider's%20homepage%20for%20more%20stories.

4.) This article again discusses the marital age. Notably its a UK article so the numbers will be slightly different than found here in the US but generally acceptable. Here it makes two important points, one that the average age of marriage is starting to skew to after 30 and...big and...marital rates are dropping. Again...this is not directly relevant to my talking point. Relationships would likely start before 30 to hit the average of just after 30. The point about the marital rate dropping would either indicate that newer generations are not seeing value in marital status or as I did speak about people are not finding the traits they want in their prospective matches. Its a decent article from what appears to be reputable source by the name...but I found the tone and method unprofessional for something that seeks to represent a nation "Office for national statistics". If I cared to investigate the validity of sources I would try to see if this is backed by the U.K. or where it received its data from.

https://blog.ons.gov.uk/2019/04/01/married-by-30-youre-now-in-the-minority/






My turn. Thank you for your long articles, its a pleasure to speak with someone who attempts to back up their wording with information, data and statistics. You offered this: "I would LOVE to see any surveys saying most American men want "young and pure" partners"... to which I will happily and casually reply.

1.) https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/15/style/dating-apps-online-men-women-age.html
2.) https://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2015/07/03/ok-cupid-data-on-sex-desirability-and-age/
3.) https://www.appstate.edu/~steelekm/classes/psy3100/Documents/buunk2001.pdf
4.) https://www.businessinsider.com/dataclysm-shows-men-are-attracted-to-women-in-their-20s-2014-10

These were all on the first page of the search and there were many many more. My darling, it is clear that either your search was very brief, very biased or very cherry picked. Possibly all of those. Not researched, not critically reviewed. I offer you a bulk of four for this single point to show how easy it is to find this viewpoint despite your ignorance to it.

You also make a few claims here:
"he gives advice based on ZERO evidence Does he know your parents? In his world, you mom married your Dad "young and pure" at least 24 years ago when the world didn't immediately hunt and devour anyone with "purity" or decency on display."
And here:
"NO. For all he knows your Dad is in prison for killing your Mom"

My darling...this is a ridiculous and poor display of emotion over logic. I offered scenarios that were at least relatively likely. Rather than assume the extreme trauma of her father murdering her mother which is an incredible escalation of a discussion if I ever saw one...Perhaps you could see that I am urging her to seek her parents advice if she has them. This is a live discussion, she can correct me if I am wrong. Do you honestly question that there is no value in her asking her parents about this? You would seriously rather she learned hard life lessons from men and women you possibly have no care for her success or well being? Parents are in this world to teach us, yet so few of us lean on them for finding a life partner which in my experience is one of the most important things we all want. I am specifically targeting advice to offer her a man's perspective. Something a man can give. Not her mother but her father. Your escalation here is folly and derails an important point with less than a percent of a percent circumstance. If we as a people can assume nothing about the people we talk to, none of us are qualified to speak to each other.

You're also unquestionably a misandrist which is damaging to say the least. Your post like others here gives the man the poor end of the stick. Assuming, something you gave me no small amount of flak for, that he was married. Quite the double standard that others are not allowed to make assumptions while having an inherently negative and unproven view towards men. More evidence is in this statement "at least 24 years ago when the world didn't immediately hunt and devour anyone with "purity" or decency on display", you have a very negative view of past men. Your ideal appears to align that we were all some sort of monster that hunted down young girls and devoured them like candy. You assume, what is to you, the worst of men instead of presuming that men were worth being in a relationship with. That they valued those aspects in a woman and thus those girls were and arguably still are highly sought after. More you say this "innocent, moldable teenagers and live happily ever after with their personal June Cleaver. That's not reality. ", another blatant negative and malicious attribute assigned to men. This is a negative bias towards men, which is the definition of misandry like having a negative bias towards women is misogyny. Its socially unacceptable for men to express misogynistic views, its also unacceptable for women. Its not a privilege you own over men to spread such hatred.

Finally we really need to talk about this part. Its truly childish and wrong. "This type of negging has been used for millennia to attract young people who may have been raised in a way that makes them vulnerable to a very controlling relationship" Ludicrous. While I would enjoy being civil with you this is anything but. What I have expressed in men's preference. Which men are allowed to have. Just like ladies have all their check boxes they check off when they try to find someone they like, men are allowed to have aspects they seek in a relationship. Just because they are not the same values as a woman, does not make them wrong. It is blatantly wrong that this is negging in any way shape or form. At least no more so than any girl who ever complains about aspects of men she does prefer. I did not say she was a bad person if she was not any of these. I did not say she was less of a lady if she was any of these things. I did not say anyone was anything bad if they were not any of these things. I did not say she or anyone had to be any of these things. The POINT, is not that anyone should make themselves into anyone. The POINT is that if a person wants the optimal chance, the very best possibilities, of attracting someone they themselves are attracted to... It helps a great deal to play the odds where they will have the most success. For example...men...get a job, better if its high paying. Its tough in the dating market without one. Ladies, the majority of men prefer a girl under a certain dress size., attend the gym. If you have trouble with these things, excuses don't protect from others preferences. You either have to work harder for them or find another way to show how valuable you are. To this end I offered my experience as a man, which is far more valid than yours as a man, and encouraged her to seek out other male perspectives that would assist her in learning what would make her more successful. That fact that you assigned a negative value to this is frankly vitriolic, your misandrist values seeks to shame men for having preferences and discourage her from seeking guidance in the journey from real people who could offer her real insight. If she or any other woman feels shame or negging for not being what some artificial majority of men desire...that is on her and other ladies. It is not a poor reflection on the men who want those things or a man for allowing her and others an honest view into mens thoughts. Stop shaming men for their preference, or have none yourself.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Apr 25, 2023

I might seriously regret wading into this discussion, but I'd like to add a few points. I think one of the most important points offered in this discussion so far is to seek information and guidance from a source that has achieved the results you seek, regardless of what that source is. For example, if your ideal relationship is male dominant/female submissive, then you should seek guidance and inspiration from people who embody that style of relationship. Obviously, it wouldn't work for someone who holds this as their ideal to use a female dominant/male submissive model as their guidance and inspiration or even an egalitarian relationship as their model.

Most of us on this site are seeking a vastly different relationship model than the one we grew up with. That's why we're here. Many of us also grew up with dysfunctional relationship modeling from our parents and the other relationships in our lives. It would therefore be foolish to use them as a model.

I think perhaps this conversation has gotten hijacked by those who neglected to see that this was precisely the point that Solace was making--that we should seek a model that most closely matches what we are ideally seeking. If your parents don't offer that, then seek the guidance and inspiration of someone who does model it--in this case, a male dominant who has displayed successful male dominant/female submissive relationships.

That's why we're here: because we all see that using failed models presented to us by society is not working for us. We're all here seeking that kind of alternate modeling and inspiration. We have all failed to fit into the socially acceptable relationship model and we're all seeking the alternative that works for us.

Hekate He Near​(switch female){Eros} • Apr 25, 2023

I stand by my post, I'm sorry it clearly triggered you. Labeling someone a misandrist based on the limited information in the post is over the top and something not even a Harvard trained psychiatrist would do.

Your preference does not extrapolate to all men. That's some serious ego driven bias delivered with an over the top degree of condescension, a defense mechanism indicative of a wounded ego.