Making the first move

Making the first move

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • May 23, 2023

Someone had made a post about this in the bdsm club forum that I am a part of and I thought it would make for an interesting conversation on here.

When it comes to meeting people in public for bdsm or online, do you prefer to reach out to someone and state that you are interested or do you prefer that they come to you?

Steellover​(sub male) • May 23, 2023

A good question. I can answer personally, with me, if I am interested in someone, I almost never make the first move. I might look over and smile at them, subtly try to let them know I am interested without being creepy, but that's it. It is up to her to make the first move, if she does not, then I write it off as her either not being interested, or else, it was not meant to be.

Some people say that approach is too cautious. But as a guy, experience has taught me that most women do not like being approached by strangers unless introduced in the proper setting, by mutual friends. And even then, as far as taking it beyond casual friendly chit chat, I typically wait for them to ask me out, or to make the move. Because otherwise, in my experience, they think you are too aggressive, too forward, or (worse) creepy, pushy, or whatever; I have met a LOT of women who simply don't like it when men come on to them. Now, obviously, everyone is different in what they expect in these situations. My personal belief is, the aggressive, ask-first approach usually backfires, at least for us guys.

However, online it is different; I have less qualms about messaging people online who I think I might be compatible with. But even then, on BDSM sites, I am hesitant since so many women, especially dominant ones, get bombarded with requests from guys who come across as needy, that it is hard to stand out. They automatically tend to lump you in with the rest of the 20,000 guys who messaged them that day.

Miki​(masochist female) • May 23, 2023

If you are comfortable making the firt move, than it should be fine. If the one you take an interest in also prefers to make the first move-- you'll know it.

But, even though you are in a BDSM club, I wouldn't make the first move right away. Hang out, absorb the scene and if you see that person on multiple occasions, as in they're a "regular"-- go ahead and take a shot. The days when a woman is not supposed to initiate lest she be branded a "brazen hussy" are long gone.

And yes, even though your role is "sub" there's no rule or reason for you to sit on your ass and hope the night away are gone. I believe decades ago the expression was "She's a wall flower".

-------------------------------------------------

But no harm in sitting and absorbing the atmosphere, even for a while--- But if you do, skip the chair or stool... See if there's a grate you can sit on. Some dudes are into "waffles".

Good Luck!

chattel​(sub female) • May 23, 2023

I feel the dominant should be the one to make the first move.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2023

Love this question, so important i think.

This is from the perspective of a total bottom gay male with some sub thrown in.

Online, i consider profiles as a move of sorts? Idk, maybe not. But a lot can be said in a profile that might not be said irl that gives info that might not otherwise be had, or would be given post move?

That aside. Online i make the first move 49/50 times, otherwise, i end up with far fewer attempts to connect. A huge number of gay guys write no profile, many don't have a pic... or they just rely on ticking a few boxes provided by the site. No real info to respond to as far as i'm concerned. As a guy who loves the written word, it drives me crazy lol. i hate text for anything other than a "please pick up apples at the store" type messages.

Irl, i stare, smile, even wave. Hard to approach guys... gays still get beat up for being gay.

Sorry, lotta random comments, but this is a hard topic. In my fantasy life? i'd love to be approached. Oddly, i get approached by women fairly frequently and hen i tell them i'm gay, i get an "oh, i didn't know" response that tells me they wanted more than friends. Realistically, especially online, i'm the one initiating contact or it just doesn't happen very much.

Also, a lot of the sites i;m on have "winks" or "smiles" and i get those all the time, but they are often employed by scammers who are phishing. i always check the profile when i get one of those, or check to see if they have even looked at mine... if not, i don't respond. If they seem real, i will respond in kind usually and it often ends there.

Bottom line in my experience is very few guys make the effort to put their self out there. i often am very open in my profiles, and it seems few guys actually read them, let alone respond. my feel is most guys are either too afraid, don't know hoe or lazy to make the first move, or a combination of those? They don't teach communication or relationship in school, eh? i think fear of rejection is the number one inhibition, but i'm only guessing. i get rejected a lot, or experience the feeling of rejection a lot online when guys read my profile and do not react, or i send them a note, and they do not respond. It's hard to keep doing it,

i'm usually surprised when someone actually responds, and i probably overwhelm them when they do because they get all the stored up desire and energy from my wanting to connect, i can be a tsunami lol.

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 23, 2023

I do what I do and if that appeals, I am open to approaches. I very rarely approach. As long as its not pushy, pick me, pick me, or insta I am happy to talk.

I think this saves a lot of embarrassment, awkwardness when someone doesn't want, or isn't receptive, and not all profiles are clear re status, desires, wants or not so making an approach might be unwelcome. Sure I get that in some peoples minds I should be the hunter etc, but I don't buy into that whole alpha, primal hunter thing.

Foxylivy​(masochist female) • May 23, 2023

I'm more traditional in this aspect, so it's very rare that I would approach first. I'll definitely give indications of my interest, however I prefer the dominant to approach and initiate the conversation.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2023

i appreciate this. As a gay guy who wants more than a surface hook up (those are fine, but that's not all i want/need) i've experienced both sides of this (i.e. initiator/responder) and i've come to believe it's not the role or responsibility of either Top/bottom, Dom/sub, etc., to be one or the other. i have experienced that there are very few initiators... and frankly, not even half the guys i reach out to ever respond at all, not even a "thanks, but no thanks." And that makes it harder and harder to reach out. i know that can be for a whole lot of reasons, but the first that always comes to mind is i'm not desirable to them... which i don't think is just an emotional response.
i imagine i'm not the only one who experiences this? Also, i think a lot of interested people are simply afraid or do not know how to initiate.
As far as 'signals' go. From an imitating standpoint, "signals' are very safe because they almost always have plausible deniability. i think the initiators are expected to take most of the risk and bear most of the brunt of rejection, and i don't know why the expectation should be placed on a gender or role?

Sasa​(dom female) • May 23, 2023

Same as the dollmaker, I am open to approaches and very very rarely do the first step. I mean it is just looking if there is something in common we could talk about. A connection takes time for me, and often many have something interesting to share without the BDSM stuff. If people want to play casual I'm not open to that, but if I would look for something, making the first move is no problem for me

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 23, 2023

Nods I am very similar, while I have done the occasional casual thing on here, for it to have depth, there needs to be a connection of some sort, and I appreciate people who don't try to treat me as a kink vending machine. I guess I lean to being demi, but not so much that a spark can't happen without a deep connection. If I detect compatibility and interest during conversations, I will be bold, but often I feel people are looking for some sort of instant dominant energy, and I simply won't do that, because I don't want to insta, or have that done to me. Sure I hope something might happen, friendship, maybe more, but I won't perform like some sort of seal in the circus from the get go.

I have had some lovely convos here over the years, made a few good friends, had some fun times, and was very blessed to connect with a special person once, but more recently any convos have been, I think, of the give it to me now, and that has killed it for me, as I say I will not normally just jump into full dom mode after two pm exchanges.

I think my profile is pretty clear about all of this, but of course some people don't read, the thirst and desperation being too strong to treat me like a human being first.