BDSM, Love & Romantic Relationships

BDSM, Love & Romantic Relationships

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2023

Hi Everyone!

I'm curious how others manage BDSM dynamics and the intensity that comes with that in romantic relationships. How do you differentiate between that intensity and actual love? How do you set boundaries for the emotional stuff? What boundaries should we even be thinking of setting. What should subs expect from doms in these types of situations?

In romantic relationships with a bdsm component, it feels like sometimes you get pushed to provide that emotional high but with people who may not understand how to support you through it :/

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Aug 30, 2023

The same way you manage your feelings in a non bdsm/ds relationship.

You communicate. You share. You talk. You listen. You talk some more, etc

People fuck about with people's emotions in all kinds of relationships. Trust yourself to know whether someone is behaving in the right way FOR YOU. And communicate your feelings.

One of the issues in ds is the imbalance: sub opening up to dom, but the reverse is different. But if warning bells go off in your heart and head that you aren't being heard/met, then listen.

That power imbalance never means that you need to feel alone, unloved or cared for. If it doesn't feel right, protect yourself the same way you would in any other relationship.

I've shut down potential relationships because my head and heart told me that, though the person could say and do certain 'dom' things, they weren't demonatrating ongoing behaviours that meant I would feel emotionally safe long term.

Be yourself, and honest with yourself and the other person.

I'mME • Aug 31, 2023

Personally,

I don't have the inclination to tell someone my inner thoughts, unless I feel some reciprocation.
Its one of the reasons I don't run across that many men that I can see myself being submissive towards. Literally they don't inspire anything and that's bc someone that you give some (all, however much) of your autonomy too, in my book, needs to be isn't going to be shrouded in secrecy.

Who the hell can trust that? Nonetheless I see it, then someone is supposed when the mystery turns out to be a schmuck.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2023

I’m a little bit confused by the question. There’s no reason why “real love” has to be separate from a BDSM dynamic or a romantic relationship with a BDSM component, as long as that’s what both people desire. Many Doms and their subs fall in love. It happened with my Dom and me.

I can understand wanting to keep emotions under control if it’s a strictly play partner dynamic or similar arrangement. Is that more of what you’re talking about?

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Sep 1, 2023

Good evening. The short answer is: communication. As indicated above by I'mMe, there should be some reciprocation.

If you are in a romantic relationship with someone and you incorporate BDSM, then you should be having much deeper communications due to the nature of the beast. As such, your relationship should actually improve, and this includes the potential for love and intensity.

So, communication. Talk to your partner and manage your expectations. And if both you and your partner are starting out, learn. Read as much as you can, especially about what happens when you incorporate BDSM in your dynamic. Will you and your partner suffer from Sub and/or Dominant Drop; will you need aftercare; how do you each communicate; what sorts of BDSM do you both want to try together. Communication.

I'mME • Sep 1, 2023

B&C,

I myself, am always confused when i see this type question. Submission is something that i would do if i loved someone, Im not interested in sharing parts of myself with someone whose doesnt love/like/ me. To each their own.

I am also aware of ''Doms'' that like to call out emotions, as if a human being is not supposed to have any. I agree one needs to have emotional intelligence but far too often i see rhetoric about a sub being emotional similar to being too needy.

(Blowing rasberries)

Hope i made sense.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 2, 2023

I would prefer the bond between myself and the one I submit to, to be a romantic one. To be loved, and to love my partner, because that makes the joy in submitting to her to be more fulfilling. Even when I'm at her mercy to "Seduce, use, abuse and destroy" I would hope that when she inflicts her worst, that there would, in the end, still be that romantic bond.

BuckeyeBabyGirl​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2023

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you’re in this for the long haul then it’s like any relationship. You need balance. It can’t always be hearts and roses, that’s not real life. It’s the simple little things and details that make the romance for me.

Bringing me flowers because you wanted to see me smile, sending me a text or message because I am in your thoughts, at the end of a long day just listening because I need to decompress, giving me a hug because you want to, holding my hand when driving in the car, simple things that to me are romance.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 3, 2023

[/quote]

B&C,

I myself, am always confused when i see this type question. Submission is something that i would do if i loved someone, Im not interested in sharing parts of myself with someone whose doesnt love/like/ me. To each their own.

I am also aware of ''Doms'' that like to call out emotions, as if a human being is not supposed to have any. I agree one needs to have emotional intelligence but far too often i see rhetoric about a sub being emotional similar to being too needy.

(Blowing rasberries)

Hope i made sense.[/quote]

Yes that makes sense to me. I think too often people focus on compatible kinks and not enough on compatible personalities. Do they even like each other beyond the kinky fun stuff?

Re: BDSM, Love & Romantic Relationships

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 5, 2023

i'll try not to be redundant to some responses already written that resonate with me... if i do repeat, i guess it's just underlining?

Lots of emphasis on communication in the replies, and i agree. i think communication is central to a BDSM and/or Romantic relationship. To me, the component i find missing in a lot of relationships is 100% openness/vulnerability. Not everyone agrees with complete 100% openness, but to me, that is what distinguishes intimate from more casual connection. That to me is part of the romantic component. Like I'mME, for me, if that is not mutual and balanced, my door closes. i often go first because i want it badly enough as part of a dynamic, it's a calculated risk. If it's not reciprocated, i stop. i do not advocate wearing ones heart one their sleeve.
The word "communication" gets bandied about a lot, but i think we even need to communicate about what "communication" means to us because it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
ButterfliesAndCuffs gave me pause with their insight of "...focus on compatibility of kinks and not enough on compatibility of personalities." Eek, yes!! i often beat the drum of how important (i think) compatibility is to a successful relationship. i think compatibility is central to sustaining a relationship and is often given second consideration (if any) to the heady feelings of romance. But i think B&C is so very right that compatibility covers more than our kinks!! To me, communication is how we discover our compatibilities, and as importantly, our incompatibilities. i do not think any two people are 100% compatible, so i think we need to know and disclose who and how we are ("communication") so we can discover if there are enough compatible things in common to sustain a relationship. i can give up Taco Tuesday, i cannot change being a "total bottom," but it's probably good to discuss all that.
To me, love is a feeling, but i think it's also a practical principle that mature people are aware of and practice. To me one of the primary components of 'love' is grace. We mess up as human beings, i think part of maturity is that being part of the "communication" going into a relationship, and ongoing. Simple statement, complex practice, but i think love is too often left undefined, just left in the feeling category, and i think it can be much more than that.