Day 5
Too open?
So one of my professors asked us to write an example of using repetition about someone I did a poem about my girlfriend because who wouldn't go there first when looking for quick inspiration for a writing assignment.
When I showed my girlfriend she was like it was nice are but a little inappropriate for a college assignment. I was wondering how could that be the case. Art can and should be provocative and exploit it needs to explore the depths of humanity and yeah of course, when talking about my girlfriend there will be some explicit portions.
I am in my last legs at this current job 2 more days after this one. It seems amazing but it's happening! I literally was watching the recent hell of a boss episode and it had a massive musical number where an individual who always sought approval and loved to perform finally decided to say Fuck you to their boss.
It actually caused me to cry not outta happiness but out of the sheer understanding how much and deeply I am approval seeking. I think being an orphan with no family is part of the caused It's like oh I'd do almost anything for a family, yet for the most part I barely even have solid friends. For those of you who read this, let's say I died, would you even notice? It is weird to think that my death would sort a barely get noticed. I remember when I was 16, I really wanted to have a Sweet 16 like my other female friends.
If I was forced by my body and society to start living as a female, why not have a fun party at the very least? My family was embarrassed and disgusted by me and really didn't even want people to know I existed ,because of my intersex condition they didn't want me to have any friends, or really any extended relatives celebrating me.
Well of course they wouldn't get me any gifts I was already a burden they didn't even want to be related to me.
We went to this horrible Chinese buffet that was so run down and cheap I literally found a staple in my food. When you always felt little more than the scum scraped off the bottom of a shoe, it does create an intense need to prove you're worthy of existence.
Yet the older I get, the more I have been able to say fuck that basic mentality. I just wish I was able to do it more consistently.
Yet I still want people to love and appreciate me. That's a human desire although I Sorta expect that it can't happen.
